Appointment is late afternoon. My phone is full of good luck messages. Love my family & friends. I am feeling anxious, it's the unknown isn't it? The oncology department in Juaneda is just wonderful, the staff are so attentive and caring (well guess they should be really, considering the treatment they are administering!). So I arrive, see the doctor and I am shown to box 7. Box 7 is nice. I have a big reclining chair with lots of blankets and pillows if required, 2 guest chairs, a TV with various channels including BBC 1 & 2, free wifi, on-suite bathroom and refreshments available to me. If it wasn't for the fact that I have cancer, it would be a fairly nice place to go for a couple of hours to get away from the usual hustle & bustle of being a busy working mum...
I was anxious for how they would attach the chemo line to my port a cath. They cleaned the area and I was told to take a deep breathe after the count of three and there, it is done. My nurse Laura, is amazing. We get by in English and Spanish and she explains everything so patiently. She laughs at my dark English sense of humour and I just know that we will get on famously over the next 6 months. So the line is in and I have my anti nausea medication first then followed by two bags of the chemotherapy. I'm left to relax. I feel it going into my body for the first few seconds, strange knowing you have poison pumping so freely into you. I used to suffer terribly from severe panic attacks and had a deep fear of dying, so much so that I needed professional help to overcome this fear. So, even now, anything that feels unnatural in my body can set of a panic attack, but I have learnt to stop them within the first few seconds. Well, as I felt that chemo entering into my body, I could feel myself slightly panicking, I had to tell myself it was all ok and Chris gave my feet a squeeze to tell me it was going to be ok. We get to 7.30pm and it is all done. I am then introduced to Charley the Chemo pack, it is attached to my port a cath and off we go home. I am to have another 36 hours of chemotherapy at home. Back on the Friday 13th to be disconnect from Charley and then the process starts all over again in 2 weeks time.
Thursday 12th March: I slept really well with Charley the chemo box, although he does make this strange camera zoom lens shutting noise every few minutes as it gives me another dose of the poison. I start the day with an incredible urge to throw up. Oh the nausea has set in. Surprised it had so quickly. I take my anti sickness tablet, forgetting about the cold drink thing and instantly my tongue and back of throat tingle, very strange sensation, it's almost as if your throat would close and choke you. I get up and spend some time with the littles and au pair at the breakfast table. They brighten my day, all three of them.
My au pair was supposed to go home to Italy in March but after finding out my diagnosis she decided to stay. I can not express how much this lovely soul makes a difference to our house, to my girls and how much it helps me her being here right now. We love you Alessia.
I had a few tears today. They are overwhelming when they come. It feels like a massive wave of grief, but the grief is not necessarily for me. It's just for the entire shitty situation. I want to be strong and I am strong but I can't help but feel like I have let people down by becoming sick. I am not good at letting people look after me, but I truly appreciate all the love and help that I am receiving right now. I cry in private so that the girls do not see me. Mummies are warriors right? I cry with Chris because he just holds me and knows that it just needs to come out. Madison asked Chris the other day if I will die. No baby girl I will not die. I will fight through this treatment and I will beat Cancer. I am determined to learn something from this experience and it will not become a family member.
1 DOWN... 11 TO GO !!!
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