DEJA VU ... HAVEN'T I BEEN HERE BEFORE ?

The term déjà vu is French and means, literally, "already seen." Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn't be familiar at all.


Exactly. Nobody should be familiar with cancer! Yet here I am again, facing another go at it.

2016 was a year to rebuild and to get better after the devastating effects of chemotherapy the previous year. So many positives in 2016, as a family we were closer than ever by the end of 2016, the littles were excelling at school, house was renovated and the hubby and I had the most spectacular holiday of a lifetime and we added a naughty little addition to our family...Monty the puppy.

At the end of summer 2016, that old niggling pain came back. I was at the gym working out and felt a sharp twinge as I was working on the floor doing my stomach exercises. I pushed it to the back of my mind, but it was there. By October there was no denying I was in pain. So off we went, the meetings, the appointments to see what was causing this pain to be back. My 3 monthly bloods came back and my tumour markers were through the roof. My first round of cancer never showed in my bloods, so this was a shocking blow. Nevertheless, Chris and I sat there, held hands and said well we will deal with whatever it is. TAC scan was ordered and the results came back clear. Phew. So what caused the tumour markers to be so high and just what is causing this pain. MRI scan ordered. Results came back, yep there is indeed a new tumour!  Thankfully, no signs in this scan of there being cancer anywhere else. I felt relatively relieved to be honest. My biggest fear was that my previous cancer had metastasised to my lungs or liver.  Surprisingly this time I didn't swear and I was quite calm as we decided that it best to have a PET scan to see exactly what was going on. Results came back good and not so good. Good news was there were no signs of any other cancer, no lymph nodes involved this time (YAY), not so good was the location of this newbie. It's situated between rectum and lady garden area (can't abide the V word!) so hence all of the excruciating pain and believe me the pain is worsening by the day. I switch between spending the day standing/walking (as sitting is too much to bear) or laying in a hot bath, so hot that my backside looks like a baboon by the time I get out! I said to Chris, well at least the apartment is spotless as it's easier to keep on the move during the day than to sit!

Fast forward to now. So last Friday I had my colonoscopy with ultra sound brought forward and they took a few cell samples from the newbie and I see my surgeon tomorrow night for the results and hopefully we can cut this little bugger out.

So here we are again. On the cancer merry-go-round. Most bizarre that the dates are pretty much identical to that of 2 years ago. It was 2 years ago this week that I had finished my surgery and been dealt with the news that I needed chemotherapy because the cancer had travelled to my lymph nodes. Here we are again with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Being forearmed from previous experience of this disgusting disease has somewhat strengthened us as a family. Don't get me wrong, the littles were devastated. We are two years down the line and they are two years wiser. They know what this can mean. We told them as soon as we knew, like last time. They cried and they looked scared. Little wide eyes just looking at us, but, we reassured them and told them I will do everything I can to beat it again, just like last time. Chris and I have to be strong, I have to be determined as that is where the littles get their strength and comfort from. Am I scared? I'm not sure really to be honest. I am still fairly nonchalant about having had cancer the first time. The pain and the tiredness this time tell me that something is wrong, but again, I do not feel like a 'cancer patient'. I did have a complete and utter breakdown at the clinic last week though as I waited to have my colonoscopy but I think this was because my insurance company had been very slow in issuing my authorisation number (3 hours before the procedure!!), hubby was away all week and not back until the weekend and so I was alone, the teenage little had been very unwell but had gone to school that morning so she could take her little sister as I couldn't (been prepping since 0600 and was very much in contact with the bathroom!!!) and I was worried about her. I just couldn't stop the tears and I didn't actually care who was there and saw. I couldn't control the tears, just wave upon waves of them. Wish I had taken my make-up bag with me as I looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it. 

So, we wait and we will see what happens next. The only problem being is that I have still not lost all of my chemo weight from before, so my big girl knickers are VERY BIG now... but pull them on I must and I will power on. Not my time yet...not my time.