35 DAYS

Goodness me. What a total rant that last blog was. Well I was feeling pretty pissed off that I had gotten another tumor, another cancer and another load of treatment.

And breathe...

So I did my 35 days, 5 weeks. Only 5 weeks, seems so easy, not a long time but boy, does that time drag when you are having poison pumped into your body 24/7 and each morning getting up to go for a dose of radiation. As anyone that has done radiation will tell you, it's a gradual build up of nastiness. You are, let's face it, being burnt from the inside out. You can't actually feel the 10 minute treatment whilst you are having it but the effects after are bloody horrible. As soon as I got home from treatment I just collapsed onto my bed and unable as the days went on to really function at a normal pace. As well as that you have the most awful tummy (you don't really need the details), which having a colostomy bag is not fun and only having had my surgery 4 weeks before I started my treatment, caused me considerable pain. Some days I just wanted to scream as it felt like someone was pouring acid directly onto my stoma and surrounding skin and as for my lady garden... poor girl, I think if she could have screamed STOP she would have !!!  Charley the chemo pack was welcomed like a long lost enemy, I had never forgotten that hideous camera lens shutter sound. Bleugh. Attached to him continuously 24/7 was just awkward and uncomfortable. Unable to shower properly, sleeping with the pack hanging off the bed and hearing that noise every time it shot a dose of the crap into you.  To be honest though this time round, very little sickness, nausea yes and a continuous headache but only a handful of mad dash bathroom upchucks. Result!

So, three weeks ago today I was disconnected from the chemo and radiation stopped. Took until now really to feel human. It's also taken until now (3 months later) to be able to sit down without yelping like an injured animal. Never take your backside for granted again. Didn't help that they forgot to remove 2 stitches... 3 months I was walking around with those 2 remaining bad boys and having them finally removed involved a lot of teeth clenching and the F word being repeated over and over in my head, mind you, when I had the first 7 removed after surgery I was actually biting down on the bed and on my hands and knees so at least this time I was fairly dignified!

So here we are again in recovery mode. Not being 100% from the first round of cancer, surgery and chemo, I went into this latest episode with probably about 70% in my tank. It's been hard. Physically and emotionally. I raged for about a day and now it's just utter sadness that I feel. As always, I went through the treatment with determination and a fixed smile. I slept away the days (good old cannabis oil) and did what I needed to do to reach the finish line. Once I got to the finish line I just collapsed and the tears started. Again this cancer was aggressive and we know there is a possibility of it returning. I have got my head around this but I feel grief. Please don't get me wrong, my glass is most definitely half full, maybe even 3/4 full but this time I feel panic that I need to get back to me again quickly. I dislike the days that I am tired and have to sleep as I feel that I am missing out on days doing things that matter to me. We all feel it. Time is precious now. No regrets, making every day count.

The littles are being their amazing selves as usual but I know that they are really feeling it too. Roxy is glued to me at every given opportunity, she is constantly grabbing my face, kissing me and asking me if I am ok. I'm honest with her now. I tell her when days are bad and I tell her when I'm feeling sad. She looks at me with those massive brown almond eyes and tells me it will be ok. We have a lot of extended bed time cuddles which I love. The teenage little turned 14 last month and she's going through her own hormonal emotional roller-coaster of growing up excitement but she also knows only too well how serious this all is. Whilst I'm going through this, she is studying hard for exams and laying down her own foundations for her future.  I am in constant awe of their strength and empathy of our situation. I find myself looking at them and the tears start...I just can't imagine not seeing every aspect of their life and if I think too long and hard about it, I have an utter breakdown. When I go now I just go. The tears are heavy and hot and at times I can't quite catch my breathe. Thankfully, I have a therapist that is helping me through this grieving process, which she says it is. Not grief from death but grief and letting go of the old me. Again.

The good days far outweigh the bad days though. I have without doubt the best circle of friends. My support group. These beautiful souls have got both myself and Chris through the dark days of the surgery, intensive care and the recover thereafter. They have dog walked, cooked, had food delivered, flowers sent and every day messages of love and laughter. We message most days, we laugh at our dark humour and probably very inappropriate things but without these souls my journey would have been so much harder.

So here we are in June, bloody hell this year has gone quickly. That's the problem with a cancer diagnosis, the journey from diagnosis, surgery, treatment to recovery consumes a lot of time. Well I'm here and feeling human again. The littles break up for 13 weeks summer holidays this week, I can't wait. We have an abundance of fun planned, including their annual 4 weeks away without us. The routine bloods and scans start again very soon but for now I am just concentrating on LIFE and LIVING.

LIFE IS A GIFT...

... OR IS IT!

Seriously, how many times do we hear "life is a gift, go with it, there is a plan for you, there is a higher reason why these things happen".

BULLSHIT

Life is a challenge. We cope with our cards that are dealt to us. Life is a gift but come on... someone higher wouldn't let us suffer so much !!!

Backtrack. I had a new tumour. Rectal cancer they said. Big new aggressive cancerous tumour. So much pain, like I explained in my last blog. We need to remove the rectum they said. They took this tumour away along with my rectum and a little piece of my lady area,,, can you imagine

My cards 5 weeks ago were dealt. I went down to surgery at 1400 and at 2100 I was still there. Husband went to the surgical area and my amazing surgeon (he operated on me 2 years ago to the same date more or less) came out of the surgery broken... broken... his words! She needs a break and so do I were his words to my husband. They could not stop the bleeding. They finally finished my surgery, 4 blood transfusions and 27 hours later. I was on life support for 27 / 28 hours and I heard a lot of the conversations.  They start and finished surgery the following day. Maybe this should be for another blog! There is a different level of consciousness. I know this now.

... 27 hours later ...

So, I was amazing, 27 hours, broken, BUT ... she bounced back. Gorgeous girl they said. 6 days in intensive care ... then 6 days in hospital after. Wow, strong girl!

Go strong amazing brave girl. You have done this before, you can do this again. Hmmmmmmm HELLO.

Oh go me.  Had my rectum removed, along with some of my lady garden. Oh I'm so brave. Hmmmm did I have a choice. Not really. Got released from hospital along with the news that the new cancer was aggressive again and not only in my lymph nodes but in my blood vessels. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH chemo and radiation is recommended !!!!!!!!!!!!! However, I am the proud owner of a great new accessory ... oh yes, my speaking bag.  Well, nobody told me the new bag, which incidentally is my new arse, which is attached to my tummy (for those of you confused), would be so vocal. Oh, my bag talks.  Why wouldn't it!

Sooooooo.... Getting used to my bag and dealing with the fact that I have to start chemo and radiation again... hold on ... ALERT FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE ANTI CHEMO (who never had cancer or had to deal with this awful choice), got told the percentages of how awful my new cancer was and how aggressive my cancers seem to be. I took myself away for a few weeks because I felt ashamed that I agreed to chemo again after publicly telling everyone that I would never do it again. Can you imagine being a 46 year old mother of 2 beautiful girls and the wife of the best man ever and then having to make the decision when they tell you ... treatment or 40% chance of it coming back and then they tell you even after treatment it's still 20% that it will return and if it does then you have not much chance because it will be untreatable. Hmmmmmm, I really want to trust in my kale and cannabis oil and everything else organic that I'm doing but I'm SCARED because I am a Mummy and have to do everything that I can to stay alive. Easy to say go natural when you have never faced this devil! Don't be that friend that puts shame on your friend because of your own beliefs regarding chemotherapy.

When I got home from hospital, I had my teenage little collapse in my arms and she sobbed. I held her for about 10 minutes, it felt like an hour. I held her as I felt her heart banging with grief that her mummy was going through this again. I picked up my smallest little that doesn't really understand so much and we started the journey all over again. This time though we know it's more serious. Very serious.

Sooooo, treatment starts on Monday. Only for 5 weeks this time. Port a cath got put back in 2 days ago. I'll be doing radiation every day Monday to Friday for 5/6 weeks (arrrggghhhhh) and I'll be attached to a chemo bag every day Monday to Sunday for 5/6 weeks (arrrrrrgggghhhhhhh....)

Please no more private messages to me about how I'm killing myself with chemo etc. I know. This is not the road I wanted to take but I look at my girls and I am not confident to play Russian Roulette :-(

BEING BRAVE MEANS DOING WHAT YOU ARE     AFRAID TO DO 

ANOTHER LITTLE PIECE OF ME

So, another little piece of me will be removed on Tuesday afternoon. It appears that Newbie is not very nice and is in such a bad position that I will have to have my rectum removed and a permanent colostomy bag. Brings a whole new meaning to the trend #bagforlife!

I/we have had a couple of weeks facing this and to come to terms with this.  It is not something that I have decided on, it is something that needs to be done to save my life.  Initially, I thought that if I could control the pain then maybe I could buy some time and try and shrink this new tumour naturally with alternative therapies and nutrition but unfortunately, Newbie is very aggressive and because of the location, the surgeon is unable to remove it and leave clear margins. I am also in excruciating pain now as it is pressing on the lady garden area and if left, I could lose her too. So, Tuesday 14th March I will check into the clinic for an 8 day minimum stay.

How do I feel about this? Well to be honest, I have to put things into perspective. Yes, I was devastated when they broke the news to me. I cried of course.  Life with a bag, in Mallorca, on the beach, can I go to the gym, will I smell??? So many fears at first. Then I look at my littles and it makes total sense and I'm grateful that it is not worse. I mean, having cancer the first time and having 1/3 of my colon removed and then chemo was tough, then to be told you have cancer again and will lose your rectum was shocking BUT, it could be so much worse. This is not a new cancer but left over cancer from the first time they are telling me. I have no cancer anywhere else, so once they have removed this, I should and hope to live a long and healthy life. I look at the littles and I have to live. I want to see them go on their first date, I want to see them achieve their goals. I want to be that Mother of the Bride in a shockingly massive hat. I want to see their babies.  I look at Chris and I want to grow old with him and annoy him for as long as possible. As difficult as these next few weeks will be, if it gives me time with the people that I love, then bring it on!

As always, the littles have taken it on board. The smallest little asked if having the bag meant that I wouldn't fart so much (awful side effect of losing some of your colon!!),  or would it just go straight into the bag.  I told her everything just goes straight to the bag. Then we laughed as we imagined all of that gas making Mummy's bag expand and I float away like the old guy in Up.  Mind you, I did ask the hubby if they would sew up my bum cheeks. You can imagine the laughter.

So, I have been busy nesting today. In the kitchen making dinners to put in the freezer for them. Hubby is completely capable but this time we have no au pair and I just want to take away some of the stress from them. I know that I am the cancer sufferer but I am only too aware that they also suffer in this journey. I might feel ill and tired (which I really do this time around. The first time it was the chemo that made me feel so shit, but right now I actually do feel poorly), but they have their own symptoms of being part of a 'cancer' family. I can't imagine what goes through their heads. Hubby at work all day and often travelling, then home and takes over from me because I'm in so much pain and tired. The littles although strong must be thinking will Mummy really get better this time. So unfair that they are going through this again. Yet, every day we get up and we smile and we laugh. As I've said before, laughter is the cure for most ills. Unfortunately not for cancer, but it sure does help ease the harsh lines along the way.

All I need to do now is to work out what I'll spend that saved money on from not buying so many toilet rolls...

DEJA VU ... HAVEN'T I BEEN HERE BEFORE ?

The term déjà vu is French and means, literally, "already seen." Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn't be familiar at all.


Exactly. Nobody should be familiar with cancer! Yet here I am again, facing another go at it.

2016 was a year to rebuild and to get better after the devastating effects of chemotherapy the previous year. So many positives in 2016, as a family we were closer than ever by the end of 2016, the littles were excelling at school, house was renovated and the hubby and I had the most spectacular holiday of a lifetime and we added a naughty little addition to our family...Monty the puppy.

At the end of summer 2016, that old niggling pain came back. I was at the gym working out and felt a sharp twinge as I was working on the floor doing my stomach exercises. I pushed it to the back of my mind, but it was there. By October there was no denying I was in pain. So off we went, the meetings, the appointments to see what was causing this pain to be back. My 3 monthly bloods came back and my tumour markers were through the roof. My first round of cancer never showed in my bloods, so this was a shocking blow. Nevertheless, Chris and I sat there, held hands and said well we will deal with whatever it is. TAC scan was ordered and the results came back clear. Phew. So what caused the tumour markers to be so high and just what is causing this pain. MRI scan ordered. Results came back, yep there is indeed a new tumour!  Thankfully, no signs in this scan of there being cancer anywhere else. I felt relatively relieved to be honest. My biggest fear was that my previous cancer had metastasised to my lungs or liver.  Surprisingly this time I didn't swear and I was quite calm as we decided that it best to have a PET scan to see exactly what was going on. Results came back good and not so good. Good news was there were no signs of any other cancer, no lymph nodes involved this time (YAY), not so good was the location of this newbie. It's situated between rectum and lady garden area (can't abide the V word!) so hence all of the excruciating pain and believe me the pain is worsening by the day. I switch between spending the day standing/walking (as sitting is too much to bear) or laying in a hot bath, so hot that my backside looks like a baboon by the time I get out! I said to Chris, well at least the apartment is spotless as it's easier to keep on the move during the day than to sit!

Fast forward to now. So last Friday I had my colonoscopy with ultra sound brought forward and they took a few cell samples from the newbie and I see my surgeon tomorrow night for the results and hopefully we can cut this little bugger out.

So here we are again. On the cancer merry-go-round. Most bizarre that the dates are pretty much identical to that of 2 years ago. It was 2 years ago this week that I had finished my surgery and been dealt with the news that I needed chemotherapy because the cancer had travelled to my lymph nodes. Here we are again with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Being forearmed from previous experience of this disgusting disease has somewhat strengthened us as a family. Don't get me wrong, the littles were devastated. We are two years down the line and they are two years wiser. They know what this can mean. We told them as soon as we knew, like last time. They cried and they looked scared. Little wide eyes just looking at us, but, we reassured them and told them I will do everything I can to beat it again, just like last time. Chris and I have to be strong, I have to be determined as that is where the littles get their strength and comfort from. Am I scared? I'm not sure really to be honest. I am still fairly nonchalant about having had cancer the first time. The pain and the tiredness this time tell me that something is wrong, but again, I do not feel like a 'cancer patient'. I did have a complete and utter breakdown at the clinic last week though as I waited to have my colonoscopy but I think this was because my insurance company had been very slow in issuing my authorisation number (3 hours before the procedure!!), hubby was away all week and not back until the weekend and so I was alone, the teenage little had been very unwell but had gone to school that morning so she could take her little sister as I couldn't (been prepping since 0600 and was very much in contact with the bathroom!!!) and I was worried about her. I just couldn't stop the tears and I didn't actually care who was there and saw. I couldn't control the tears, just wave upon waves of them. Wish I had taken my make-up bag with me as I looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it. 

So, we wait and we will see what happens next. The only problem being is that I have still not lost all of my chemo weight from before, so my big girl knickers are VERY BIG now... but pull them on I must and I will power on. Not my time yet...not my time.

CHRISTMAS AGAIN ... 2016

Wow look at me. My second Christmas since my colon cancer stage 3 diagnosis.  Writing that feels so bloody fabulous and even saying and coming to terms finally with STAGE 3 COLON CANCER is such a massive achievement!

What a year. What a hard, uphill emotionally and more importantly, physically challenging year this has been, since my one year all clear... NED (no evidence of disease). Don't get me wrong, the chemo was tough but boy oh boy has this year recovering been the hardest challenge of my life and I thought I was a tough cookie but my willpower and core has really been tested these past 12 months.

So a particularly interesting session with my therapist a couple of months ago was enlightening and quite possibly has changed everything for me. It is no secret that I fell into a black hole for a long time after my chemo finished in September 2015 and I needed help. I could not continue to walk around crying and feeling dead inside. Even seeing and surrounding myself with the littles, even that couldn't lift the dark cloud. I felt that I had no purpose and I felt numb. Actually I felt nothing, only sadness. How could this be life, how could I have been given the all clear and still feel nothing. I told my therapist this and how empty I felt. She looked at me and said " Amanda, you are so lucky to feel this empty feeling, not many people get to feel this calm empty feeling. It is a blank canvas, you can start again". That frustration that I had felt seeing all my friends and loved ones carrying on with life was just that. They were carrying on with life and quite rightly so. My life had changed, not theirs. Everything that was me before was not anymore and this empty feeling was a chance for me to start again. I have a new beginning. Sounds all very hippy but it's actually very simple if you think about it. In those one hour sessions, it changed everything for me. I walked away and left behind 18 months of emotional agony and breathed slowly out.

I am feeling very  blessed and VERY privileged that I am celebrating another Christmas with my favourite people. Anyone that has had to suffer colon cancer will know the probabilities and chances. So to be here again, healthy pretty much (let's keep it happy and ignore the side effects on this blog) is an absolute pleasure that I will not take for granted. For the first time in a very long time I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. I feel joy in the day to day things. I have embraced my new self and do you know what, I actually like her. I like the changes, and I am ready to start anew. I guess it helps that we have an new addition to the family, we have Monty a gorgeous 10 week old puppy who we adopted from a rescue centre and who has the energy of a brand new battery!!! . Any of my fellow warriors reading this blog, I can not tell you how much animals help lift your mood.  So between him, Scruffy and my two littles, life is chaotic and busy which I love.

My favourite time of the year is nearly here. I thought I went all out last year but I think maybe I've outdone myself this year :-)  The littles of course will reap the benefits of this and so they should. They have both excelled at school again this year, with outstanding school reports. They are beautiful, kind and courageous girls. I am totally in awe of their amazingness and so very thankful to enjoy another year with them. I gaze at them every day and just love how they are growing into fantastic little beings. They are so strong. I do not fear so much now like I did at the beginning because I think I'm / Chris and I are doing a good job at keeping them secure and confident with life. They know and we know, nothing is for granted and we all appreciate what we have right now.

Wishing you all, wherever you are, a beautiful, peaceful and healthy Christmas.

A LITTLE UPDATE: ONE YEAR ON...CANCER FREE

Sorry for blog silence.  I've been very down. Cancer is a complete bastard and I've grown to realise that although you go through chemo quite triumphantly, nothing really prepares you for the massive down that you have from it. If you were a 1990s party person then you might understand a little of the down feeling from a heavy weekend and that awful Monday morning fear. If you have always been straight and not had that "party hangover" ... firstly, well done you (you were never on my friends list back then LOL) and secondly, I can only describe it as a form of SAD or slight depression. Yes, it was a depression.  How on earth can I be alive but still feel so dead inside. Yes. Dead. No purpose. Terrible to say that out loud, but that is how I felt. Uff. I struggled so badly this year with post chemo stress if you can call it that. How can I be cancer free, yet feel so completely broken inside!!!

ANYWAY. Let us not dwell on that. I had depression. I didn't shout that from the roof tops, but I did seek some professional help. I felt on the edge. Not really sure what I was supposed to be doing. It was horrendous, I got through it with the love and support of my husband, knowing my children needed me and from friends. I thank you special people.

So here we are, one year on. So much to say yet I do not want to bore you. Renovating our house, first holiday in 14 years without the children (Vietnam which was spectacular and a little trip to Hong Kong to see my bestie), health scares which have kept us awake (lung & bone issues) and the fear of the dreaded C coming back. I will be honest, I really thought the cancer had come back and this time to my lungs. Thankfully, the problem with my lungs is that I have developed asthma and nothing more sinister.

So one year on. Where am I? Well, I'm happier than I was at the start of the year, actually much happier than I was even a couple of months ago, but there are these constant reminders of the C and the these reminders totally overwhelm me. For example. Chris and I decided to go for a lunch along the coast, a little village we had visited during my chemo treatment. We parked up and walked the path with the sea on one side and the cafes & restaurants on the other. We walked for 15 minutes and he says to me lets turn and find somewhere to eat, I replied that I wanted to continue the walk as I really enjoy the fact that I can now (remember my little old lady feet that would trip me up during treatment!), anyway he informs me that it's the end of the path. I just stood there and I felt this wave of grief. This time last year that 15 minute walk had taken me 45 minutes! The tears poured as I remembered how I struggled last year in the heat to do that small walk, how my feet shuffled and how out of breathe I was. Then last week we took the girls shopping and stopped off for drinks. I turn and notice on the table next to me a bald woman nursing a drink and her partner rubbing her back. I turn to look at Chris and he nods and says yes, "I can see her port". Another cancer warrior. She looked so grey, so exhausted. It wasn't her actually that made me cry but her partner. I remember Chris looking at me like that and rubbing my back to soothe and comfort me when we were out. Just the sheer effort of being out but feeling absolutely awful. I wanted to go to them and hug them. Wish I had now. Then the scan appointments which I have every 6 months, these give me mini breakdowns. I go on my own now to these as I find it mentally easier not having to make conversation with anyone. As soon as I see the chairs outside the scan room, the tears start. Two weeks ago, I was there talking to myself, telling myself to calm down. I couldn't catch my breath. Then of course, this week collecting my results...which were clear, just the absolute relief of that prompted the tears. I guess this is just the way it's going to be. Little triggers...that make me realise how lucky I am.

So one year on. After receiving the all clear for a second time, I am feeling so very thankful. I think mentally, I needed to get to 12 months and I do feel that now I can move forward a little more, cliché I know but I kept telling myself, that if I could get to 12 months cancer free then I'd have a fantastic chance going forward. I was beginning to feel like I was living in limbo. Now I feel my purpose is back. I had cancer and I survived the chemotherapy. Yes it has changed me but I am getting stronger physically. Yes, some days are terribly tough on me and yes, some days my body hurts still so much that even getting up out of bed can be painful, but, the very big but is that I am still here and I am cancer free. I do find myself stopping a lot now when I am out for walks with my Scuffy and just taking in my surroundings. I was always in such a rush before and now I notice everything. I just stand and take it all in. Life is really very beautiful. 


So, we are nearing the end of the summer holidays. Smallest little's 9th birthday coming up at the beginning of September, actually she starts at her new school on her birthday. Busy planning her party and surprises. I do love a birthday :-)  The teenage little is growing up too quickly but it's fascinating watching her become a lovely young lady. These heartbeats are what I live for and what I will continue to fight for and for my husband who has been my lobster throughout.
I think the next 12 months will be easier and I'm excited for the first time in a very long time. I'm determined and with determination you can pretty much do anything.






Marci Simmons...forever in my thoughts.  

BRIMFUL OF HORMONES

They say that the average age to give birth is 26. Over the last three decades, women have been waiting longer to have children. In 1970 the average age of a first-time mother was 21.4  (I was born in 1970). In 2013 the average age was 26. I however, gave birth at 32 and 37. I always knew at some stage, having 2 girls, that our hormones would meet at a crossroads!!The crossroad, I had figured out in my head, would have been me just missing the biggest little's explosion into teenageDOM  and maybe just before the smallest little's adventure into madam hood. Not to be!


For all of those woman out there below the age of menopause who have gone through chemotherapy, they will completely understand this. Chemo really f*&ks with our hormones. I mean it really f*&ks with those little crazies that run around in our bodies each month! On top of the neuropathy and falling over and not being able to hold things and learning to walk again, the hair thinning, the unexpected and urgent bathroom dashes, the chemo fog brain, the lethargy - oh the list is endless... us girls also have to face the big M!!! Early M at that. Menopause. Hot flushes. Raging hot flushes. Violent raging hot flushes. Irritation. Telling yourself to Shhhhh whilst you secretly want to the tell the person who is talking at you to SHUT THE F UP! Then comes the calm. Menopause. No not me. I can see butterflies. All is good with the world.


So I am descending into the early M because of the chemo and my biggest little turned into a teenager. It wasn't an over night thing like the comedy sketches, however, it has been fairly sudden with the stereotypical UFFS and the looks. We clash at times. I find myself saying FFS in my head quite a lot when her moodiness is irrational but then I have to take myself to one side and remind me that a) she is a teenager and this is completely normal and that she is the most wonderful child, b) she has been through so much with me and shown the courage and strength of an ox, c) I am irrational because I am going through this M.  Doesn't really help the teenager that she has an 8 year old little sister that comments on the size of her boobies all the time and takes great pleasure in announcing and commenting and reporting back on everything that the teenager does! 


We are at present in the middle of a total house renovation, so have rented a small 2 bedroom apartment, to which the littles are sharing a room. Not conducive for an harmonious ride for the pair of them... 13 meets 8 = "Mummy she is reeeeeaaalllllly annooooooooying me" !!!!  They fight like racoons at times but then at bedtime, they are the best of friends. They have this most amazing private relationship, which I am in awe of. They comfort each other and at times through my journey have been the stability for each other that they both needed.


All in all though, we have this respect for each other. The girls bicker (in Spanish), I remind them in English to be kind and thoughtful to each other, the teenager gives me that look, the nearly 9 year old throws herself onto the floor with her head dramatically in her arms (oh how I miss those days, but you just can't do that at nearly 46!) and I reach for the wine. The teenage gives me another look and I remind her that I am an adult. Full circle really.So, we have a brimful of hormones in our house right now. Some of it, chemo enhanced and the rest just mother nature. 


We are about to enter 13 weeks of summer holidays here in Spain and to be honest I am super excited. This time last year I was hooked up to round 7 of chemotherapy and had no idea where I would be now. I feel blessed that I am in the crossroads of the hormones and everything that comes with it ...it means that I am living and experiencing my girls growing up ... for that I will always be grateful.