ROUND 10 & 11: 45 WITH FEARS & TEARS

It seems like forever ago that I updated my blog and it's not because I had nothing to say, I had plenty to say but sometimes things are best left unsaid!!!  It's been a tough few weeks and to be honest, took me by surprise at how low I got in such a short space of time. Strange really as I'm at the finishing line almost, so you would think that I'd be excited like a 5 year old at Christmas,  but I just fell into a massive hole. The tears were continuous on a daily basis. My littles were away and Chris went back to work and I was home alone just crying. A complete and utter sadness fell upon me that I could not shift. No sure if it is/was fear of the unknown or maybe it was the chemotherapy playing havoc with my hormones or maybe I am just so generally run down AND both mentally and physically exhausted by all of this. Number 10 was fairly kind to me and although they have now stopped the Oxaliplatin, I do have the most horrendous neuropathy in my hands and feet. I struggle to use my hands for the most simplest of tasks. My feet are the same, so I fall over a lot. A week ago I was just standing in the bathroom at the sink and suddenly fell backwards into the bath - can you just picture that...it was fairly comical!

So I had my 45th birthday. Wasn't really fussed about celebrating it to be honest. It was the first time in 15 years that I had woken up alone as littles were still away and Chris working. Empty house. I had a moment when I woke up, the old "what ifs" tried poking their way through to me again. Historically, I woke up on my birthday wishing I hadn't started my celebrations 2 weeks previously as I normally had another few nights ahead of me of drinking and socialising but this year all I could think was "how many more birthdays I have got in front of me" Thankfully a handful of my girlfriends (and token guy - thanks Karl xxxx) came and met me for brunch, showering me with gorgeous gifts. I then had a fabulous sea view late lunch with the hubby. So all in all a good day.

Littles came home on 12th August and normal chaos in the house resumed. Happy mummy...you would think but still the tears and sadness continue??? So many things are playing on my mind. I can't help thinking about the future now. All of a sudden this feels so real. Not that the past 6 months have not been real, believe me, it's been like a living nightmare but my focus before was to get to this stage and now I am at this stage I have developed a fear for the future. I started this journey so openly positive with no fear and now, although I truly believe it will be ok, I have this deep fear. Does any of that make sense? I can't sleep at night so I am utterly exhausted every day and as I mentioned above, the neuropathy is just awful and so bloody painful. The pain shoots through my bones now and I wake with terrible cramps in my feet and legs. I drop things, I can not open or do up things, I struggle with normal daily tasks that require hands and feet. I have to really concentrate when I walk or I just fall or stumble. I am covered in bruises as I bump into things. I most probably look and act permanently pissed. Could be worse I guess. I get asked a lot indoors - do you need help, to which I shout frustratedly back "No, I can do it"!!!!

I am also dealing with people (only a handful but that's enough) and their attitudes. People's inability to grasp how it is to go through chemo. How is it I can go out on some days and not others, why can I attend some social functions but not others. Why do I not return all calls and messages. How can she feel ill when she looks ok. Really?  Should I have just stayed at home then in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself? Just because I have a smile on my face and my dolly on, don't underestimate the utter struggle that I am going through...or better still, just ask me what I am going through and I'll happily explain it to you.

So mini moan over. Positives: Littles are home. Hurrah. One of my birthday presents from them and the hubby was tickets for the littles and I to go and see Don Quixote by the Moscow Ballet at the Palma Auditorium.  Little Roxy was so excited as it was her first trip to the ballet. We got dressed in our pretty dresses and lots of lip gloss. Another beautiful memory made. No tears just lots of smiles.

Positive: One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A new life to enjoy.

Positive:  I have a new oncologist who is amazing. He has answered all of my questions and concerns which were previously answered with just a "it's normal" comment. He gives me some confidence in this revolting treatment.

Positive: I still have hair...it looks terrible but I still have it. Still none on my body which of course is a massive HURRAH :-)

Positive: My nails look bloody fabulous...strange really as I can't feel my finger tips so cutting them (they need cutting every 2/3 days..go figure!!) is interesting and challenging with a hint of danger thrown in.

Positive: I have a great circle of friends & family who are doing their best to keep me upbeat on a daily basis. Love these fabulous souls and their little whatsapps and phone calls. Keep them coming because I do truly appreciate them. Sorry if the answer is short and to the point but I can't feel my fingers to type on an iPhone  ;-)

Positive: My husband still tolerates me and continues to be a rock through all of this.

So just finishing number 11 this week and although it's been hideous so far with the sickness, it is number 11, so that means final chemo is booked for 2nd September, my scan is booked for 16th September (to see if I am clear of Trevor) and I get my results on 23rd September. In between all of that, my smallest little has an 8th birthday to celebrate on 12th September... which of course we will in style with BIG SMILES on our faces. Roller coaster of a month. I will be honest, I am petrified. I am positive. Up and down with the emotions. So much hangs in these next few weeks. Bizarre to think that my body already knows, it already has the answer inside but I have to wait just a little bit longer.

As always we will deal with whatever is thrown our way. I'm hoping it's a lot smaller than what it threw us in January.