LIFE AFTER CHEMO - WHO AM I NOW?

Oh my, so much to say. So chemotherapy came and chemotherapy left. I thought the last session of chemotherapy I would be elated, I thought my room in the clinic would be decorated with balloons. If I had decorated my room it would have been with "what the f**k" balloons. I started this journey, this chemotherapy journey within absolute joyfulness, almost too much positivity. The problem is with chemotherapy, it takes away the layer of your own personality, it peels away layers of yourself and everything there is of you. Nobody tells you about the chemotherapy, nobody tells you about the mental side of this therapy, and nobody tells you of the physical side of it. The problem is with colon cancer, it is just not sexy enough. There are no pink ribbons, big pink fluffy hearts, mostly it is all about bathroom visits and shitting your pants. Who talks about that? Also, the problem with chemotherapy for colon cancer, patients is that you look okay. I had my hair, I did not lose weight, in fact I got fat! Cancer gets bald and skinny right! In reality, not my cancer, not my treatment.

So I had my last chemotherapy treatment  in September & the scan then all clear results (threw myself...boobies out of dress kinda throw at my consultant & big kiss on face!!!) I went home, and life started again. apparently. Life did not start again for a while, life became more difficult, yes I got the all clear and, yes the balloons should be in my house, yes I should be partying and celebrating no cancer. The problem is with getting an all clear after the chemotherapy, is that you must remain cancer free for five years. The cancer umbrella remains. Now I am not being negative, in fact I'm being very positive, but the truth is the cancer umbrella is with me/us for another five years! Five years of scans & tests every couple of months. I have two littles that will be busy the next five years. Do we really have time for this! I became very scared to leave the house. I had been in this house for seven months, in my bedroom, in my bathroom being sick. I have forgotten how to be me! I got scared of the outside. I forgot who i was. Is there a me after all of this?

So I am now three months from my last chemotherapy treatment, my neuropathy is off the scale of hideousness, my fingers my toes, every day it is a new challenge. I am getting used to this new me. We laugh when I drop things, the knife on the cats head, poking Roxanne in the eye doing her hair for her ballet classes. Life has changed. Do I feel better that life has changed? Yes actually yes to be honest, I actually feel privileged to know how precious life is. The problem is with humans we take for granted our lives. I mean, we all know that we're going to die, the problem is for most of us, we never really have it put, smack bang in our faces do we? If we did, most of us would make some changes. For me having cancer, for having chemotherapy it has made me re-evaluate things that I find important to me. Life is more urgent now. I am finding the new me and accepting her. I will be honest, I did also morn the old me. I miss some aspects of her, but I am embracing and accepting the changes.

Christmas will be special this year. Christmas is always special in our house but I think this year the hugs will be tighter and longer. I can not wait for christmas morning...