Oh my, so much to say. So chemotherapy came and chemotherapy left. I thought the last session of chemotherapy I would be elated, I thought my room in the clinic would be decorated with balloons. If I had decorated my room it would have been with "what the f**k" balloons. I started this journey, this chemotherapy journey within absolute joyfulness, almost too much positivity. The problem is with chemotherapy, it takes away the layer of your own personality, it peels away layers of yourself and everything there is of you. Nobody tells you about the chemotherapy, nobody tells you about the mental side of this therapy, and nobody tells you of the physical side of it. The problem is with colon cancer, it is just not sexy enough. There are no pink ribbons, big pink fluffy hearts, mostly it is all about bathroom visits and shitting your pants. Who talks about that? Also, the problem with chemotherapy for colon cancer, patients is that you look okay. I had my hair, I did not lose weight, in fact I got fat! Cancer gets bald and skinny right! In reality, not my cancer, not my treatment.
So I had my last chemotherapy treatment in September & the scan then all clear results (threw myself...boobies out of dress kinda throw at my consultant & big kiss on face!!!) I went home, and life started again. apparently. Life did not start again for a while, life became more difficult, yes I got the all clear and, yes the balloons should be in my house, yes I should be partying and celebrating no cancer. The problem is with getting an all clear after the chemotherapy, is that you must remain cancer free for five years. The cancer umbrella remains. Now I am not being negative, in fact I'm being very positive, but the truth is the cancer umbrella is with me/us for another five years! Five years of scans & tests every couple of months. I have two littles that will be busy the next five years. Do we really have time for this! I became very scared to leave the house. I had been in this house for seven months, in my bedroom, in my bathroom being sick. I have forgotten how to be me! I got scared of the outside. I forgot who i was. Is there a me after all of this?
So I am now three months from my last chemotherapy treatment, my neuropathy is off the scale of hideousness, my fingers my toes, every day it is a new challenge. I am getting used to this new me. We laugh when I drop things, the knife on the cats head, poking Roxanne in the eye doing her hair for her ballet classes. Life has changed. Do I feel better that life has changed? Yes actually yes to be honest, I actually feel privileged to know how precious life is. The problem is with humans we take for granted our lives. I mean, we all know that we're going to die, the problem is for most of us, we never really have it put, smack bang in our faces do we? If we did, most of us would make some changes. For me having cancer, for having chemotherapy it has made me re-evaluate things that I find important to me. Life is more urgent now. I am finding the new me and accepting her. I will be honest, I did also morn the old me. I miss some aspects of her, but I am embracing and accepting the changes.
Christmas will be special this year. Christmas is always special in our house but I think this year the hugs will be tighter and longer. I can not wait for christmas morning...
Saturday, 5 December 2015
Friday, 21 August 2015
ROUND 10 & 11: 45 WITH FEARS & TEARS
It seems like forever ago that I updated my blog and it's not because I had nothing to say, I had plenty to say but sometimes things are best left unsaid!!! It's been a tough few weeks and to be honest, took me by surprise at how low I got in such a short space of time. Strange really as I'm at the finishing line almost, so you would think that I'd be excited like a 5 year old at Christmas, but I just fell into a massive hole. The tears were continuous on a daily basis. My littles were away and Chris went back to work and I was home alone just crying. A complete and utter sadness fell upon me that I could not shift. No sure if it is/was fear of the unknown or maybe it was the chemotherapy playing havoc with my hormones or maybe I am just so generally run down AND both mentally and physically exhausted by all of this. Number 10 was fairly kind to me and although they have now stopped the Oxaliplatin, I do have the most horrendous neuropathy in my hands and feet. I struggle to use my hands for the most simplest of tasks. My feet are the same, so I fall over a lot. A week ago I was just standing in the bathroom at the sink and suddenly fell backwards into the bath - can you just picture that...it was fairly comical!
So I had my 45th birthday. Wasn't really fussed about celebrating it to be honest. It was the first time in 15 years that I had woken up alone as littles were still away and Chris working. Empty house. I had a moment when I woke up, the old "what ifs" tried poking their way through to me again. Historically, I woke up on my birthday wishing I hadn't started my celebrations 2 weeks previously as I normally had another few nights ahead of me of drinking and socialising but this year all I could think was "how many more birthdays I have got in front of me" Thankfully a handful of my girlfriends (and token guy - thanks Karl xxxx) came and met me for brunch, showering me with gorgeous gifts. I then had a fabulous sea view late lunch with the hubby. So all in all a good day.
Littles came home on 12th August and normal chaos in the house resumed. Happy mummy...you would think but still the tears and sadness continue??? So many things are playing on my mind. I can't help thinking about the future now. All of a sudden this feels so real. Not that the past 6 months have not been real, believe me, it's been like a living nightmare but my focus before was to get to this stage and now I am at this stage I have developed a fear for the future. I started this journey so openly positive with no fear and now, although I truly believe it will be ok, I have this deep fear. Does any of that make sense? I can't sleep at night so I am utterly exhausted every day and as I mentioned above, the neuropathy is just awful and so bloody painful. The pain shoots through my bones now and I wake with terrible cramps in my feet and legs. I drop things, I can not open or do up things, I struggle with normal daily tasks that require hands and feet. I have to really concentrate when I walk or I just fall or stumble. I am covered in bruises as I bump into things. I most probably look and act permanently pissed. Could be worse I guess. I get asked a lot indoors - do you need help, to which I shout frustratedly back "No, I can do it"!!!!
I am also dealing with people (only a handful but that's enough) and their attitudes. People's inability to grasp how it is to go through chemo. How is it I can go out on some days and not others, why can I attend some social functions but not others. Why do I not return all calls and messages. How can she feel ill when she looks ok. Really? Should I have just stayed at home then in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself? Just because I have a smile on my face and my dolly on, don't underestimate the utter struggle that I am going through...or better still, just ask me what I am going through and I'll happily explain it to you.
So mini moan over. Positives: Littles are home. Hurrah. One of my birthday presents from them and the hubby was tickets for the littles and I to go and see Don Quixote by the Moscow Ballet at the Palma Auditorium. Little Roxy was so excited as it was her first trip to the ballet. We got dressed in our pretty dresses and lots of lip gloss. Another beautiful memory made. No tears just lots of smiles.
Positive: One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A new life to enjoy.
Positive: I have a new oncologist who is amazing. He has answered all of my questions and concerns which were previously answered with just a "it's normal" comment. He gives me some confidence in this revolting treatment.
Positive: I still have hair...it looks terrible but I still have it. Still none on my body which of course is a massive HURRAH :-)
Positive: My nails look bloody fabulous...strange really as I can't feel my finger tips so cutting them (they need cutting every 2/3 days..go figure!!) is interesting and challenging with a hint of danger thrown in.
Positive: I have a great circle of friends & family who are doing their best to keep me upbeat on a daily basis. Love these fabulous souls and their little whatsapps and phone calls. Keep them coming because I do truly appreciate them. Sorry if the answer is short and to the point but I can't feel my fingers to type on an iPhone ;-)
Positive: My husband still tolerates me and continues to be a rock through all of this.
So just finishing number 11 this week and although it's been hideous so far with the sickness, it is number 11, so that means final chemo is booked for 2nd September, my scan is booked for 16th September (to see if I am clear of Trevor) and I get my results on 23rd September. In between all of that, my smallest little has an 8th birthday to celebrate on 12th September... which of course we will in style with BIG SMILES on our faces. Roller coaster of a month. I will be honest, I am petrified. I am positive. Up and down with the emotions. So much hangs in these next few weeks. Bizarre to think that my body already knows, it already has the answer inside but I have to wait just a little bit longer.
As always we will deal with whatever is thrown our way. I'm hoping it's a lot smaller than what it threw us in January.
So I had my 45th birthday. Wasn't really fussed about celebrating it to be honest. It was the first time in 15 years that I had woken up alone as littles were still away and Chris working. Empty house. I had a moment when I woke up, the old "what ifs" tried poking their way through to me again. Historically, I woke up on my birthday wishing I hadn't started my celebrations 2 weeks previously as I normally had another few nights ahead of me of drinking and socialising but this year all I could think was "how many more birthdays I have got in front of me" Thankfully a handful of my girlfriends (and token guy - thanks Karl xxxx) came and met me for brunch, showering me with gorgeous gifts. I then had a fabulous sea view late lunch with the hubby. So all in all a good day.
Littles came home on 12th August and normal chaos in the house resumed. Happy mummy...you would think but still the tears and sadness continue??? So many things are playing on my mind. I can't help thinking about the future now. All of a sudden this feels so real. Not that the past 6 months have not been real, believe me, it's been like a living nightmare but my focus before was to get to this stage and now I am at this stage I have developed a fear for the future. I started this journey so openly positive with no fear and now, although I truly believe it will be ok, I have this deep fear. Does any of that make sense? I can't sleep at night so I am utterly exhausted every day and as I mentioned above, the neuropathy is just awful and so bloody painful. The pain shoots through my bones now and I wake with terrible cramps in my feet and legs. I drop things, I can not open or do up things, I struggle with normal daily tasks that require hands and feet. I have to really concentrate when I walk or I just fall or stumble. I am covered in bruises as I bump into things. I most probably look and act permanently pissed. Could be worse I guess. I get asked a lot indoors - do you need help, to which I shout frustratedly back "No, I can do it"!!!!
I am also dealing with people (only a handful but that's enough) and their attitudes. People's inability to grasp how it is to go through chemo. How is it I can go out on some days and not others, why can I attend some social functions but not others. Why do I not return all calls and messages. How can she feel ill when she looks ok. Really? Should I have just stayed at home then in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself? Just because I have a smile on my face and my dolly on, don't underestimate the utter struggle that I am going through...or better still, just ask me what I am going through and I'll happily explain it to you.
So mini moan over. Positives: Littles are home. Hurrah. One of my birthday presents from them and the hubby was tickets for the littles and I to go and see Don Quixote by the Moscow Ballet at the Palma Auditorium. Little Roxy was so excited as it was her first trip to the ballet. We got dressed in our pretty dresses and lots of lip gloss. Another beautiful memory made. No tears just lots of smiles.
Positive: One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A new life to enjoy.
Positive: I have a new oncologist who is amazing. He has answered all of my questions and concerns which were previously answered with just a "it's normal" comment. He gives me some confidence in this revolting treatment.
Positive: I still have hair...it looks terrible but I still have it. Still none on my body which of course is a massive HURRAH :-)
Positive: My nails look bloody fabulous...strange really as I can't feel my finger tips so cutting them (they need cutting every 2/3 days..go figure!!) is interesting and challenging with a hint of danger thrown in.
Positive: I have a great circle of friends & family who are doing their best to keep me upbeat on a daily basis. Love these fabulous souls and their little whatsapps and phone calls. Keep them coming because I do truly appreciate them. Sorry if the answer is short and to the point but I can't feel my fingers to type on an iPhone ;-)
Positive: My husband still tolerates me and continues to be a rock through all of this.
So just finishing number 11 this week and although it's been hideous so far with the sickness, it is number 11, so that means final chemo is booked for 2nd September, my scan is booked for 16th September (to see if I am clear of Trevor) and I get my results on 23rd September. In between all of that, my smallest little has an 8th birthday to celebrate on 12th September... which of course we will in style with BIG SMILES on our faces. Roller coaster of a month. I will be honest, I am petrified. I am positive. Up and down with the emotions. So much hangs in these next few weeks. Bizarre to think that my body already knows, it already has the answer inside but I have to wait just a little bit longer.
As always we will deal with whatever is thrown our way. I'm hoping it's a lot smaller than what it threw us in January.
Thursday, 23 July 2015
ROUND 9: FEELING HAPPY, RELAXED AND OPTIMISTIC
Wow what a 3 week break that was. My mum came over for a couple of days, was great to have a couple of days with her again and then she and Grampy took the girls back to the UK to start their 4 week break. I am so used to Madi being away now, she has travelled a lot for a girl of 12 and although it is always hard to say goodbye to her or take her to the airport, I've accepted that at this young age she already has the travel bug, however, saying goodbye to my Roxy was horrendous. This was the first time my baby girl had been away, on a plane without me. I knew she was beginning to struggle with the thought of going, although overly excited, because she kept climbing up onto my lap and holding my hand a lot. On the morning of 16th she didn't say too much and then it was time to go, they left very early around 7am...uff thought my chest would explode with the pain of saying goodbye, especially right now after all we have been through. I couldn't go to the airport as not enough room in the car. Apparently she cried as soon as she got to the street and then all the way to the airport, my heart sank when I heard that. When they landed Madi sent me photos of a very happy Roxy with her inflight food pack, laughing her head off. Food seems to cure all it seems.
So kids away, off Chris and I went for our 5 days away to stunning Pollensa. Hotel was simply gorgeous, with friendly happy staff and although we were restricted by my ridiculous side effects (no beach as too hot, limited pool time as too hot and not able to be in the sun without hat and factor 50, not being able to walk far as too hot and I am completely exhausted right now) we did manage to have a good time. Very relaxed, lots of sight seeing and exploring parts that we hadn't been to before (such a beautiful island we live on) a lot of "mindfulness" moments and feel good factors seeing such beautiful things and just being in the now moment. We also had a LOT of good food - good for the soul, albeit maybe not the waist !! The whole no sun thing is strange. I am beginning to feel like an extra from Twilight. I used to be a sun goddess and now I am wearing long sleeves, factor 50 which leaves my legs with a thick white waxy covering, big hats and Jackie O shades. The chemo makes your skin super sensitive, just another side effect to deal with. Thankfully I have some great fake tan...thanks Mum.
So all in all I am feeling ok in myself. Even though I went 3 weeks with no treatment, I still have awful side effects which seem to be staying now. My neuropathy is rotten. My hands hurt, find it hard to do up buttons and pick up small things or open things, so I'm pretty much just walking around the house naked now (not a good look after 5 days of eating), but it's just too much energy to try and do clothes up!!! It has also gone to my teeth, very strange feeling there and now full time into my legs. I get every 10 minutes these bizarre mild electricity flashes up the front of my calves. I still have hair on my head albeit very thin and limp, so just tied back each day now, no hair on my body - bonus! Nails growing like crazy but eyelashes are a fond memory...will get some extensions as soon as I have finished my last chemo, you know some bad ass massive lashes, just to make a point !! The biggest problem for me which I know increases as the treatments continue is the utter exhaustion. I am not able to walk for long and this frustrates me, really frustrates me. In this heat, I struggle more. We really do take our bodies for granted. Actually we take most things for granted and do not truly appreciate everything we have. I was amazed at how many miserable people go on holiday, how many couples just sit there and look in the opposite direction. Did they not see what I could see? How could they not take in the beauty of their surroundings and be thankful they were able to get away from it all for a couple of weeks. I live here but just seeing the mountains and the sea made me smile.
So only had one major breakdown in 3 weeks (apart from the heartache of saying goodbye to the littles) and it was on our first night there whilst out for dinner - in public of all places !!! As you know, I've had tears and mini breakdowns but this one, oh hello...it just came like a tidal wave, all the things I had obviously been feeling but not vocalised enough just poured out of me. What if I die, what if it comes back, we've sorted my life insurance yes Chris? Will you make sure you don't let the girls forget me. Should I write them letters just in case? Can't believe this happened to us, it will be over us forever. What if I die whilst they are away. You know, I guess all the usual things. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed into my dinner. I didn't care there were other dinners, I just needed to get it all out. I must have looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it all as I had put on so much mascara to try and have some eyelashes. Oh what a mess. Next day woke up and felt like a great weight had been lifted from me. Although I am happy and optimistic, I think I needed to get some of that emotional baggage out of me.
So am now attached to number 9. Number 9 - only 3 more to go...how bloody fantastic is that! So far, I am feeling ok. Very tired as usual but no dry heaving and only slightly nauseous. Still have the 'wind' problem, but have a feeling that is for life. I am still off the anti sickness meds and feeling very proud of myself for that. Apart from the chemo mix, I am taking no other medication. Obviously this all could change after tomorrow afternoon when I get unhooked from Charley the chemo pack as this is normally when all the side effects kick in, but I feel determined now. To be honest, I really do not care how I feel for the next 3 treatments. Throw your worst at me because I am on the home track...I am nearly done. I am impatient now, I want this over. I want me back and to start building my life again. Very much looking forward to writing about ROUND 12. I've put my big girl pants away for the time being as I feel I do not need them now. I've can see a light a very big bright light at the end of this life changing tunnel and that is called my happy healthy future.
So kids away, off Chris and I went for our 5 days away to stunning Pollensa. Hotel was simply gorgeous, with friendly happy staff and although we were restricted by my ridiculous side effects (no beach as too hot, limited pool time as too hot and not able to be in the sun without hat and factor 50, not being able to walk far as too hot and I am completely exhausted right now) we did manage to have a good time. Very relaxed, lots of sight seeing and exploring parts that we hadn't been to before (such a beautiful island we live on) a lot of "mindfulness" moments and feel good factors seeing such beautiful things and just being in the now moment. We also had a LOT of good food - good for the soul, albeit maybe not the waist !! The whole no sun thing is strange. I am beginning to feel like an extra from Twilight. I used to be a sun goddess and now I am wearing long sleeves, factor 50 which leaves my legs with a thick white waxy covering, big hats and Jackie O shades. The chemo makes your skin super sensitive, just another side effect to deal with. Thankfully I have some great fake tan...thanks Mum.
So all in all I am feeling ok in myself. Even though I went 3 weeks with no treatment, I still have awful side effects which seem to be staying now. My neuropathy is rotten. My hands hurt, find it hard to do up buttons and pick up small things or open things, so I'm pretty much just walking around the house naked now (not a good look after 5 days of eating), but it's just too much energy to try and do clothes up!!! It has also gone to my teeth, very strange feeling there and now full time into my legs. I get every 10 minutes these bizarre mild electricity flashes up the front of my calves. I still have hair on my head albeit very thin and limp, so just tied back each day now, no hair on my body - bonus! Nails growing like crazy but eyelashes are a fond memory...will get some extensions as soon as I have finished my last chemo, you know some bad ass massive lashes, just to make a point !! The biggest problem for me which I know increases as the treatments continue is the utter exhaustion. I am not able to walk for long and this frustrates me, really frustrates me. In this heat, I struggle more. We really do take our bodies for granted. Actually we take most things for granted and do not truly appreciate everything we have. I was amazed at how many miserable people go on holiday, how many couples just sit there and look in the opposite direction. Did they not see what I could see? How could they not take in the beauty of their surroundings and be thankful they were able to get away from it all for a couple of weeks. I live here but just seeing the mountains and the sea made me smile.
So only had one major breakdown in 3 weeks (apart from the heartache of saying goodbye to the littles) and it was on our first night there whilst out for dinner - in public of all places !!! As you know, I've had tears and mini breakdowns but this one, oh hello...it just came like a tidal wave, all the things I had obviously been feeling but not vocalised enough just poured out of me. What if I die, what if it comes back, we've sorted my life insurance yes Chris? Will you make sure you don't let the girls forget me. Should I write them letters just in case? Can't believe this happened to us, it will be over us forever. What if I die whilst they are away. You know, I guess all the usual things. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed into my dinner. I didn't care there were other dinners, I just needed to get it all out. I must have looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it all as I had put on so much mascara to try and have some eyelashes. Oh what a mess. Next day woke up and felt like a great weight had been lifted from me. Although I am happy and optimistic, I think I needed to get some of that emotional baggage out of me.
So am now attached to number 9. Number 9 - only 3 more to go...how bloody fantastic is that! So far, I am feeling ok. Very tired as usual but no dry heaving and only slightly nauseous. Still have the 'wind' problem, but have a feeling that is for life. I am still off the anti sickness meds and feeling very proud of myself for that. Apart from the chemo mix, I am taking no other medication. Obviously this all could change after tomorrow afternoon when I get unhooked from Charley the chemo pack as this is normally when all the side effects kick in, but I feel determined now. To be honest, I really do not care how I feel for the next 3 treatments. Throw your worst at me because I am on the home track...I am nearly done. I am impatient now, I want this over. I want me back and to start building my life again. Very much looking forward to writing about ROUND 12. I've put my big girl pants away for the time being as I feel I do not need them now. I've can see a light a very big bright light at the end of this life changing tunnel and that is called my happy healthy future.
Monday, 6 July 2015
ROUND 8: MINI MELTS AND LIFE CLARIFICATION
So round 8. Nasty for 4/5 days. I've decided no more anti sickness meds as they are steroids which in turn have made me bloat up like a puffer fish and given me nasty blurred vision and upon further investigation have a whole heap of nasty side effects, which I seem to have had most of them. Soooooo, no more anti sickness meds...has been hard, thrown up a couple of times, a few dry heaves but to be honest I've done ok... maybe it's mind over vomit - sorry I mean mind over matter. I truly believe if you tell yourself you can do something your will. Don't get me wrong, I've had a few oscar worthy chuck up moments... amazing how I can dash from the kitchen through the front room into our bathroom and still hit bulls eye...anyone who knows our apartment will realise the distance from our kitchen to our bathroom is not small.... we have a very large apartment (plus side, additional exercise).
4 more to go. You would think I'd be over the moon. I am. I really am. I've done so well. A few tears along the way, no major breakdowns. Children coping, husband supporting, so why oh why did I decide that this round I would have a COMPLETE AND MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!! So got to Friday, the day I'm unhooked. Got to the clinic, saw the reception desk for Oncology and completely and unashamedly lost it. I broke down. No idea why. I didn't want to go in. Had enough of this utter cancer bullshit. Come on Amanda, Friday's are good, it means unhook day from from the chemo pack, but from nowhere, this utter heartache came. I cried. I just couldn't get it together. I stood in front of the nurses station outside of oncology and just cried and sobbed and cried. Chris went inside and waited for me to get myself together, which of course I did. Wiped my eyes, fluffed up my remaining hair (still have some) and went in. So unhooked, weekend can begin. Lets go with the side effects, I can do this. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday - sleep, sleep, vomit, eat a bit, sleep, repeat.
I spent most of the weekend being a wet fish. I sob a lot. To be honest I am not really sure what I am crying about. It's heart wrenching the sobbing. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just crying. I am a complete and utter bitch on this round. I am not so nice to the girls, snapping at Chris. I have no patience. Poor babies...of course I am not angry or upset with them, I just have this intolerance inside of me right now. Roxy climbs up into my bed on Sunday morning and strokes my head and Madi snuggles under my arm...calm is restored. We wrap ourselves around each other and just lay there. Your children have this amazing love smell about them, it's like you can always identify your child from their smell. If you haven't done this... take a minute to smell your child.
So life changes every day. I am changing every day. I can not tolerate inconsequential bullshit now. I have gained new friends along the way and lost a couple. Both are good and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and had a "life changing experience" but I have had a life enhancing experience. I truly believe that I must learn from this. Give something back. I will work that out. I'll come back to you on that. I do feel this urgency about life "stuff". I was before a full time working mum, gym bunny, social girl, mother, wife. I now feel this need/desire to be very close to home. Does that mean before all of this, I wasn't such a good mother/wife? Was I selfish. Do we as woman try and divide ourselves into so many pieces? I can not be the only person beating cancer questioning this.
Sooooo, 4 more to go. I have agreed with my doctor to have a 3 week break. The littles go away next week for 4 weeks... uff, will have another breakdown...but it does mean Chris and I can have a few days away together, albeit here as I can not really leave the island. So, looking forward to another break from Chemo me, will try and cope with the littles being away. They so need to be away from this/me and be in a 'normal' environment. They will be with nannas and grandads and aunties. Having fun. They need fun as they have been such strong little warriors. They amaze me. They need "cancer mummy" free time. You see, it's not only me beating this/travelling this. Can you imagine being a 12 or nearly 8 year old and trying to navigate this journey. I would imagine being in the UK with family will be the most fantastic release for them. Makes me smile...although I will miss them terribly.
So, round 9 is booked for 22nd July. Bring it on. So close to the end now. I previously wrote about being in a rabbit hole... I am now so far from falling, I am climbing up onto the edge of that rabbit hole...
Nearly there. Nearly there.
4 more to go. You would think I'd be over the moon. I am. I really am. I've done so well. A few tears along the way, no major breakdowns. Children coping, husband supporting, so why oh why did I decide that this round I would have a COMPLETE AND MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!! So got to Friday, the day I'm unhooked. Got to the clinic, saw the reception desk for Oncology and completely and unashamedly lost it. I broke down. No idea why. I didn't want to go in. Had enough of this utter cancer bullshit. Come on Amanda, Friday's are good, it means unhook day from from the chemo pack, but from nowhere, this utter heartache came. I cried. I just couldn't get it together. I stood in front of the nurses station outside of oncology and just cried and sobbed and cried. Chris went inside and waited for me to get myself together, which of course I did. Wiped my eyes, fluffed up my remaining hair (still have some) and went in. So unhooked, weekend can begin. Lets go with the side effects, I can do this. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday - sleep, sleep, vomit, eat a bit, sleep, repeat.
I spent most of the weekend being a wet fish. I sob a lot. To be honest I am not really sure what I am crying about. It's heart wrenching the sobbing. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just crying. I am a complete and utter bitch on this round. I am not so nice to the girls, snapping at Chris. I have no patience. Poor babies...of course I am not angry or upset with them, I just have this intolerance inside of me right now. Roxy climbs up into my bed on Sunday morning and strokes my head and Madi snuggles under my arm...calm is restored. We wrap ourselves around each other and just lay there. Your children have this amazing love smell about them, it's like you can always identify your child from their smell. If you haven't done this... take a minute to smell your child.
So life changes every day. I am changing every day. I can not tolerate inconsequential bullshit now. I have gained new friends along the way and lost a couple. Both are good and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and had a "life changing experience" but I have had a life enhancing experience. I truly believe that I must learn from this. Give something back. I will work that out. I'll come back to you on that. I do feel this urgency about life "stuff". I was before a full time working mum, gym bunny, social girl, mother, wife. I now feel this need/desire to be very close to home. Does that mean before all of this, I wasn't such a good mother/wife? Was I selfish. Do we as woman try and divide ourselves into so many pieces? I can not be the only person beating cancer questioning this.
Sooooo, 4 more to go. I have agreed with my doctor to have a 3 week break. The littles go away next week for 4 weeks... uff, will have another breakdown...but it does mean Chris and I can have a few days away together, albeit here as I can not really leave the island. So, looking forward to another break from Chemo me, will try and cope with the littles being away. They so need to be away from this/me and be in a 'normal' environment. They will be with nannas and grandads and aunties. Having fun. They need fun as they have been such strong little warriors. They amaze me. They need "cancer mummy" free time. You see, it's not only me beating this/travelling this. Can you imagine being a 12 or nearly 8 year old and trying to navigate this journey. I would imagine being in the UK with family will be the most fantastic release for them. Makes me smile...although I will miss them terribly.
So, round 9 is booked for 22nd July. Bring it on. So close to the end now. I previously wrote about being in a rabbit hole... I am now so far from falling, I am climbing up onto the edge of that rabbit hole...
Nearly there. Nearly there.
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
ROUND 7: LIFT HYSTERIA
So I missed my number 7 treatment on 10th June as platelets were too low again, down to 86 (previously down to 74), minimum they have to be 100 to have chemo, normal range for a 'healthy' person is 150-450...just so you can get an idea. To be honest, it was a much needed and welcome break, albeit only a week but boy, what a difference those extra 7 days made to me physically and mentally. I had been struggling the past couple of weeks, it was all becoming too much, too many things floating around in my head, too many thoughts and although not necessarily negative thoughts, just to much to deal with. The further along this journey I travel the more questions I have. The problem here is that you are just not told anything. Nothing is explained. I didn't know cancer and now I do, so I have questions and they are coming thick and fast. All of which were answered on Wednesday last week when I went in for number 7. I am feeling more relaxed and calm about things now. I mean I know that I will get the all clear in September but I just needed some reassurance that things were going in the right direction.
So, my mini break from the chemo allowed me to find myself again. It was amazing. I woke up feeling good, no headaches, no sickness, a little tiredness but I can deal with that. NO TEARS THIS ROUND :-) I managed to go for walks (ok 2 hours still seems to be my limit but hey!). I met friends for coffee and lunches...these are my soul times, I need them. Laugher really is the best tonic and I am so very fortunate to have such amazing friends here. I miss my friends around the world terribly but they keep in contact with me through messages and whatsapps which I love. I feel more equipped now to go into the next 5 rounds, because that is all it is, just 5 more rounds!!!!!!!
So number 7 done and when we got home, Chris dropped me off and he went to park the car. I normally take the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment even with shopping bags or attached to my chemo pack (I need this small amount of exercise), but this time I was feeling sick and tired so decided to take the lift. Our lift has been playing up recently and people have been getting stuck in it...yep you guessed it, it was my turn! Unfortunately for me, I manage to get myself stuck in the lift with a someone who obviously suffers from claustrophobia ...FFS!!! I felt rotten, I had just been sick at the clinic and it was very hot still. All I wanted to do was to get indoors and lay down but no, I'm stuck in a lift with an hysterical woman and I mean HYSTERICAL!!!!! So the lift stops at floor 2 and the hysteria begins. She frantically starts pushing the alarm button and shouting out. The lift is not a big space and when there are arms flying around (and she is not a small lady) it becomes increasingly cramped and uncomfortable. I tell her to call the emergency number for the engineers and we then call the president of the building - neither are available. By now my husband is walking up the stairs and I call out to him to let him know I'm ok and he goes off to find the president. Meanwhile hysteria woman is now hyperventilating...shouting in Spanish and completely oblivious that I am attached to my chemo pump. She is talking to me at a thousand words a minute...I just nod "si si" and I'm doing deep breathing because all I want to do is vomit but there really isn't enough space to do this. It's actually quite funny the things that go through your mind when you are confined in a small space without knowing how long you will be there. I had figured out that I could be sick into my rather large handbag as long as I remembered to take out my MAC and hospital notes but there was no room to pee, which I was desperate to do ! Hysteria woman now had taken a break to breathe and looked at the wire which attaches to my port (just beneath my collar bone) into my pump...I explain it's my chemotherapy for my cancer...hysteria returns and she starts frantically making phone calls and shouting out to the neighbours who are now gathering at floor 2. She manages to rip open the lift door but of course, we are only faced with the brick wall and are still trapped. I ask her if she is ok, tell her to calm down and offer her my carton of pineapple juice which I was given at the hospital and I then sit on the lift floor wondering if I would get jail time for battering her across the head with my MAC...diminished responsibility and all that!! Anyway, 25 minutes later, engineers arrive to save us and we climb out of the lift and I continue the 4 floors by foot...leaving the gaggle of hysteria behind me.
So number 7 has been ok ish. I mean, I've felt sick, very sick and extremely tired and suffering with strange bouts of dizziness this time and keep falling over...previously known for falling over but this was due to alcohol....now it's my little old lady legs that give way. Had a bit of a trip up in Mercadonna this week, but thankfully I go when it's just full of old people...so I fit right in! Emotionally I feel that I am in a better place. However, I do feel that I'm changing. I am looking at things in a completely different way. Life is different now and I do feel that it has changed forever. Things that were important in my mind are not now and other things are more urgent. I feel overwhelming calm about everything which is out of character for me as I used to be such a stress head! Because of this calmness though, I am enjoying my life. I do not have the daily anxieties that I suffered before. Does any of that make sense? No not really but I've given up trying to make any sense of this situation.
So it is now 1 week post treatment and I'm hoping that my body behaves and gives me a few good days so that number 8 can go ahead next Wednesday. Littles are officially on 13 weeks summer holidays and we have lots to look forward to. I have a LOT to look forward to...
So, my mini break from the chemo allowed me to find myself again. It was amazing. I woke up feeling good, no headaches, no sickness, a little tiredness but I can deal with that. NO TEARS THIS ROUND :-) I managed to go for walks (ok 2 hours still seems to be my limit but hey!). I met friends for coffee and lunches...these are my soul times, I need them. Laugher really is the best tonic and I am so very fortunate to have such amazing friends here. I miss my friends around the world terribly but they keep in contact with me through messages and whatsapps which I love. I feel more equipped now to go into the next 5 rounds, because that is all it is, just 5 more rounds!!!!!!!
So number 7 done and when we got home, Chris dropped me off and he went to park the car. I normally take the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment even with shopping bags or attached to my chemo pack (I need this small amount of exercise), but this time I was feeling sick and tired so decided to take the lift. Our lift has been playing up recently and people have been getting stuck in it...yep you guessed it, it was my turn! Unfortunately for me, I manage to get myself stuck in the lift with a someone who obviously suffers from claustrophobia ...FFS!!! I felt rotten, I had just been sick at the clinic and it was very hot still. All I wanted to do was to get indoors and lay down but no, I'm stuck in a lift with an hysterical woman and I mean HYSTERICAL!!!!! So the lift stops at floor 2 and the hysteria begins. She frantically starts pushing the alarm button and shouting out. The lift is not a big space and when there are arms flying around (and she is not a small lady) it becomes increasingly cramped and uncomfortable. I tell her to call the emergency number for the engineers and we then call the president of the building - neither are available. By now my husband is walking up the stairs and I call out to him to let him know I'm ok and he goes off to find the president. Meanwhile hysteria woman is now hyperventilating...shouting in Spanish and completely oblivious that I am attached to my chemo pump. She is talking to me at a thousand words a minute...I just nod "si si" and I'm doing deep breathing because all I want to do is vomit but there really isn't enough space to do this. It's actually quite funny the things that go through your mind when you are confined in a small space without knowing how long you will be there. I had figured out that I could be sick into my rather large handbag as long as I remembered to take out my MAC and hospital notes but there was no room to pee, which I was desperate to do ! Hysteria woman now had taken a break to breathe and looked at the wire which attaches to my port (just beneath my collar bone) into my pump...I explain it's my chemotherapy for my cancer...hysteria returns and she starts frantically making phone calls and shouting out to the neighbours who are now gathering at floor 2. She manages to rip open the lift door but of course, we are only faced with the brick wall and are still trapped. I ask her if she is ok, tell her to calm down and offer her my carton of pineapple juice which I was given at the hospital and I then sit on the lift floor wondering if I would get jail time for battering her across the head with my MAC...diminished responsibility and all that!! Anyway, 25 minutes later, engineers arrive to save us and we climb out of the lift and I continue the 4 floors by foot...leaving the gaggle of hysteria behind me.
So number 7 has been ok ish. I mean, I've felt sick, very sick and extremely tired and suffering with strange bouts of dizziness this time and keep falling over...previously known for falling over but this was due to alcohol....now it's my little old lady legs that give way. Had a bit of a trip up in Mercadonna this week, but thankfully I go when it's just full of old people...so I fit right in! Emotionally I feel that I am in a better place. However, I do feel that I'm changing. I am looking at things in a completely different way. Life is different now and I do feel that it has changed forever. Things that were important in my mind are not now and other things are more urgent. I feel overwhelming calm about everything which is out of character for me as I used to be such a stress head! Because of this calmness though, I am enjoying my life. I do not have the daily anxieties that I suffered before. Does any of that make sense? No not really but I've given up trying to make any sense of this situation.
So it is now 1 week post treatment and I'm hoping that my body behaves and gives me a few good days so that number 8 can go ahead next Wednesday. Littles are officially on 13 weeks summer holidays and we have lots to look forward to. I have a LOT to look forward to...
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
A SHORT ENTRY: TREADING WATER
Nobody talks about the mental anguish of cancer and chemotherapy. Why is that? Does it mean you are weak if you announce your fears and anxiety, because people (they mean well) keep telling you "keep you chin up", "you can do this", "nearly there", "you are so strong/so brave". Well the past few days I have not felt brave, I do not want to keep my head up and although I am half way and number 7 is planned for today, all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and have a complete and utter breakdown. You know the type, the ones that 2 years olds do....Roxy mastered them down to a fine art! I really do not want number 7 today because I know that this time tomorrow I will be retching, crying and holding onto the toilet. My head will feel as though it might explode. I will be unable to touch anything cold, drink only room temperature liquid for 3/4 days in this heat, wont be able to sleep because of the nausea at night then want to sleep all day. I will struggle to walk. I know that I will not get ME back until at least 8/9 days later and even then it is a poor excuse for me! I want to cry all the time at the moment but I can't. I think right now that if I were to cry, really cry it would not stop. I feel full of tears, full of hurt from this disgusting illness and it's violently invasive treatment. It's invaded my life and I now know that cancer will be part of mine and my family's life forever. I can't accept that right now, it makes me angry. 6 more treatments then wait to see if chemo has got all the cancer, hope it hasn't travelled ...wait to see if I have to do this all over again. Then it's check ups every 3 months...to see if the bastard has stayed away...then 6 monthly...then then then...it goes on and on and on. There will always be a cancer umbrella over me. My girls will always know that there is a possibility that Mummy's cancer might return or it might not have gone...who knows. Nothing to do with positivity it's to do with being realistic. I am being positive and I do think that I'll get the best news in September but I'm also realistic in terms of how unpredictable cancer is. It hurts my heart knowing the littles have this bullshit in their lives. They make little comments like "when you are better Mummy we can do this or that", "next summer Mummy when you are better we can go to the beach, don't worry". Roxy told me the other day that it was ok to die and go to heaven if you are very very old because you have had a good long life... she then looked at me and gave me a hug. Not that they think I'm going to die, but they have their own thoughts and worries going through their little minds. How can a nearly 8 year old process this...why should a 12 year old have this fear when she is already going through her own changes. Growing up should be exciting not feeling fear that your Mummy has cancer. They are too young to have these worries and this makes me angry. How dare cancer come into our lives.
I am treading water on my own life right now. I am trying to keep my head above the waves of the cancer and chemotherapy. Nobody really wants to know the dark side of your mind, the fears you have...the sometimes morbid fears that you face going through this. So, I keep my brave face on and I'm strong for my little family. I keep my chin up and smile most days and find humour even in the dark days. I turn up for my treatments with my full dolly on smiling. I turn up for lunch on my few good days with my friends and I tell them, I'm fine, struggling on, I'll be ok. I don't want to open my flood gates as there is no return from that...right now I feel that I would drown in my own sorrow from all of this. Please don't get me wrong, it is not self pity it is just complete and utter exhaustion from the treatment and the hurt seeing my family going through this journey too.
So number 7 today and I was met with a "happy chemo day Mummy" cheer from Madison this morning. She makes me smile. So that is why, although I want to scream and shout and cry, I wont. If I am strong they feel secure, they see me smile they smile, if I cry they are scared and sad and I don't want that. So off I'll go with my lipgloss on again, see the lovely team at Juaneda and get it done...just get it done Amanda.
I am treading water on my own life right now. I am trying to keep my head above the waves of the cancer and chemotherapy. Nobody really wants to know the dark side of your mind, the fears you have...the sometimes morbid fears that you face going through this. So, I keep my brave face on and I'm strong for my little family. I keep my chin up and smile most days and find humour even in the dark days. I turn up for my treatments with my full dolly on smiling. I turn up for lunch on my few good days with my friends and I tell them, I'm fine, struggling on, I'll be ok. I don't want to open my flood gates as there is no return from that...right now I feel that I would drown in my own sorrow from all of this. Please don't get me wrong, it is not self pity it is just complete and utter exhaustion from the treatment and the hurt seeing my family going through this journey too.
So number 7 today and I was met with a "happy chemo day Mummy" cheer from Madison this morning. She makes me smile. So that is why, although I want to scream and shout and cry, I wont. If I am strong they feel secure, they see me smile they smile, if I cry they are scared and sad and I don't want that. So off I'll go with my lipgloss on again, see the lovely team at Juaneda and get it done...just get it done Amanda.
Thursday, 4 June 2015
LONLEY DAYS AND TRIPPING
So number 6 done and I'm half way. Feel shitty again on this one. Shitty is becoming the norm. The recovery days are becoming longer apart...and although I knew it was accumulative, the side effects, it's taken me by surprise at how unwell I feel at times. To be honest it's the sickness and complete exhaustion which is wearing thin with me. We are now on Thursday and treatment was last Wednesday and today's challenge is to actually leave the house. I have had a headache which I just can't shift this time and suffered with bad dizziness. I want my energy back. Especially when you have houseguests... my mum and stepfather were here from the UK and I do feel guilty for not getting up and doing much with them, although of course, I know nobody expects anything from me, but I still expect me to be able to do simple tasks, like going for a walk!!! It was good to have my Mum here (she left yesterday), the girls needed some extended family time and they always adore Nanna and Grampy time. Of course they get totally spoilt and rightly so, especially at the moment. Roxy proudly announced the other night that she had, since Friday (Mum's arrival) 9 ice creams!!!!! I might add though, that these are small scoops in a paper cup, so I'm not panicking too much...although she did then announce that she hadn't pooped either !!
Saturday was a write off for me. My mum and stepfather took the littles out shopping and lunch and I spent the day on the bed feeling horrific. The tears came again on Saturday. I just couldn't make myself feel better no matter what I tried. The heat is also not helping and it's only going to get hotter over the next few weeks. The chemo side effects are so overwhelming at times, they rage through your body with an anger. They are angrily attacking my body and I can feel each attack. Walking was not easy again because of the bloody neuropathy and the nausea was just vile. All in all Saturday was shit but I did manage to prepare a good evening meal for us and it was nice to have a houseful of family. Sunday I still feel rotten but I get myself together so we can enjoy a gorgeous family lunch in the sunshine next to the sea. It's nice to be out. A little wobbly on my old lady legs but I manage it. Of course, Monday is another write off because I spent too long out on the Sunday but it was worth it. Since the weekend all I have done really is sleep. Lots of sleeping. Such a lonely existence this illness. Don't get me wrong, I am SURROUNDED by so much love, I have the best family and friends supporting me, I am totally blessed, but I am lonely. It's hard to describe really. You spend so much time on your own because you are not fully up for going out and socialising whilst the rest of the world continues. life continues as it should, the littles get up and go to school, Chris goes to work...everything continues but me. Then there are the long nights when you can not sleep because of the anti sickness meds. What do you do in those long dark hours alone with your thoughts... well you surf the net, play Candy Crush and hope eventually that you go back to sleep. Nobody can really understand the confinement of cancer/chemotherapy until they have lived and breathed it. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's purely another observation and a fact of my life right now.
Another funny little side effect, although painful, is my lack of space awareness. The past few days I seem to be bumping into things. At the weekend I bent down in the kitchen to take something out of the cupboard and head butted the marble work surface, not sure who was more shocked, me or Scruffy as I shouted out WTF and then proceeded to tell myself off for being an idiot...and yesterday I walked fully into my bedroom doorframe and cracked my shoulder. Seriously, what is that all about then, like I need anymore side effects that can cause me harm, what with the wobbly old lady legs that give way at any given minute, cranky stiff old lady hands which drop things because of the neuropathy, chemo Dora brain which cause me to forget things in the oven, actually just forget everything AND now this...I should have a sign above my head saying "approach at your own risk"!! I feel like a 90 year old in a 44 year old's body!!
So, in true Coleman style, with the downs come the ups and funny bits. I thought long and hard about sharing this experience with you all and to be fair, I've been so honest about everything else (I refer to Johnny Fart Pants blog), so why not...
So, I had read somewhere that there is this 'special oil', you know the one thats featured in tabloid front pages, all over the alternative health Facebook pages...the oil that helps cancer patients...yes that oil!!! Well, I managed to find some here and was excited to try it and hoped it would make the side effects more tolerable. Obviously, it did not come with instructions or dosage but I thought to myself, it's natural and supposed to help so I took a healthy "drop" and thought nothing of it. This was at about 4pm. At 1030pm I said to Chris, "you know, I don't feel so good". He thought maybe it was the Indian take away that I had just demolished which was very unlike me as it was the first time in days that I had felt like eating and not throwing it up afterwards. I thought nothing of it as I rammed bread into my mouth telling him how great it was. I don't eat bread!! I felt really distant and heady. Tried to walk to my bedroom and it felt like such an effort. I was very warm and my head started to feel dizzy. I think I must have put myself into panic mode as my heart started to race and I was convinced that this was my time. OH MY GOD, this is it, I thought to myself, I am actually going to die in my bedroom. I mean you hear stories about people having a bad reaction to chemotherapy and I really thought that was it. It was the night before my biggest little's birthday beach picnic and her birthday was on the Sunday and all I could think was, fuck, I'm going to die on Madi's birthday weekend. The panic just overtook my body. I had an out of body experience and then I passed out on my bedroom floor. It was about 1130pm by now and as it was the weekend the au pair was not home, so poor Chris had to wake the littles so that we could go to the Emergency Room. He helps me to the front door as by now I am hardly able to walk, nothing is making sense in my head and I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself. I pass out again at the front door and a half asleep Roxy standing there in her pyjamas sees it. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through their little minds seeing Mummy like this. We manage to get in the car and to Clinica Juaneda where again, I slump on the floor in the admissions. This is my treatment clinic, so they have my notes on file there and I'm taken straight through. It's horrific, I feel horrific, I do not know why I am there, I feel confused and scared. I'm put in a room on a trolley bed in full view of other patients in the hallway. I start to throw up in the bin. My poor babies seeing their Mummy laying there...they don't cry now they just stare at me with their big wide eyes, trying to take it all in. Chris takes them to the waiting room so that I can have my blood tests and heart monitored. I remember laying there and feeling fear...absolute fear that I wasn't going to leave that room, fear that my girl's lasting memory would be of me on a hospital trolley in my PJ's and dying. The doctor talks with Chris and Chris informs her of the oil. We wait for an hour for the blood results to come back. I'm convinced by now that I am falling off of the hospital trolley bed and keep asking Chris to help me. I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself, it's a very surreal experience. The results of heart and bloods are all clear...really good in fact. The doctor comes and looks at me with a smile on her face and says in a very calm, reassuring voice "Amanda, you are just stoned, very stoned. You should feel better in a few hours"!!! She then tells me to speak to my doctor about having 'the oil' on a prescription so I know the correct dosage. We have to wait at reception for my notes to be printed off and they ask "so how you feeling now Mrs Coleman" with a smile. Seriously, I'm so embarrassed. I'll be forever known as the 44 year old mother of 2 with colon cancer that got well and truly stoned. Thankfully it was only that, obviously I can't wipe away that night from the little's memory but we will when they are older explain what really happened on that night to silly old Mummy. Really, you couldn't make this stuff up...this journey although painful is also providing us with some lasting memories that also make us smile alongside the tears. All I need to do now is stop Chris from calling me Cheech all the time.
If laughter is medicine and the cure to all....I have absolutely nothing to worry about!!
http://www.collective-evolution.com/2015/04/15/the-us-finally-admits-cannabis-kills-cancer-cells
Saturday was a write off for me. My mum and stepfather took the littles out shopping and lunch and I spent the day on the bed feeling horrific. The tears came again on Saturday. I just couldn't make myself feel better no matter what I tried. The heat is also not helping and it's only going to get hotter over the next few weeks. The chemo side effects are so overwhelming at times, they rage through your body with an anger. They are angrily attacking my body and I can feel each attack. Walking was not easy again because of the bloody neuropathy and the nausea was just vile. All in all Saturday was shit but I did manage to prepare a good evening meal for us and it was nice to have a houseful of family. Sunday I still feel rotten but I get myself together so we can enjoy a gorgeous family lunch in the sunshine next to the sea. It's nice to be out. A little wobbly on my old lady legs but I manage it. Of course, Monday is another write off because I spent too long out on the Sunday but it was worth it. Since the weekend all I have done really is sleep. Lots of sleeping. Such a lonely existence this illness. Don't get me wrong, I am SURROUNDED by so much love, I have the best family and friends supporting me, I am totally blessed, but I am lonely. It's hard to describe really. You spend so much time on your own because you are not fully up for going out and socialising whilst the rest of the world continues. life continues as it should, the littles get up and go to school, Chris goes to work...everything continues but me. Then there are the long nights when you can not sleep because of the anti sickness meds. What do you do in those long dark hours alone with your thoughts... well you surf the net, play Candy Crush and hope eventually that you go back to sleep. Nobody can really understand the confinement of cancer/chemotherapy until they have lived and breathed it. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's purely another observation and a fact of my life right now.
Another funny little side effect, although painful, is my lack of space awareness. The past few days I seem to be bumping into things. At the weekend I bent down in the kitchen to take something out of the cupboard and head butted the marble work surface, not sure who was more shocked, me or Scruffy as I shouted out WTF and then proceeded to tell myself off for being an idiot...and yesterday I walked fully into my bedroom doorframe and cracked my shoulder. Seriously, what is that all about then, like I need anymore side effects that can cause me harm, what with the wobbly old lady legs that give way at any given minute, cranky stiff old lady hands which drop things because of the neuropathy, chemo Dora brain which cause me to forget things in the oven, actually just forget everything AND now this...I should have a sign above my head saying "approach at your own risk"!! I feel like a 90 year old in a 44 year old's body!!
So, in true Coleman style, with the downs come the ups and funny bits. I thought long and hard about sharing this experience with you all and to be fair, I've been so honest about everything else (I refer to Johnny Fart Pants blog), so why not...
So, I had read somewhere that there is this 'special oil', you know the one thats featured in tabloid front pages, all over the alternative health Facebook pages...the oil that helps cancer patients...yes that oil!!! Well, I managed to find some here and was excited to try it and hoped it would make the side effects more tolerable. Obviously, it did not come with instructions or dosage but I thought to myself, it's natural and supposed to help so I took a healthy "drop" and thought nothing of it. This was at about 4pm. At 1030pm I said to Chris, "you know, I don't feel so good". He thought maybe it was the Indian take away that I had just demolished which was very unlike me as it was the first time in days that I had felt like eating and not throwing it up afterwards. I thought nothing of it as I rammed bread into my mouth telling him how great it was. I don't eat bread!! I felt really distant and heady. Tried to walk to my bedroom and it felt like such an effort. I was very warm and my head started to feel dizzy. I think I must have put myself into panic mode as my heart started to race and I was convinced that this was my time. OH MY GOD, this is it, I thought to myself, I am actually going to die in my bedroom. I mean you hear stories about people having a bad reaction to chemotherapy and I really thought that was it. It was the night before my biggest little's birthday beach picnic and her birthday was on the Sunday and all I could think was, fuck, I'm going to die on Madi's birthday weekend. The panic just overtook my body. I had an out of body experience and then I passed out on my bedroom floor. It was about 1130pm by now and as it was the weekend the au pair was not home, so poor Chris had to wake the littles so that we could go to the Emergency Room. He helps me to the front door as by now I am hardly able to walk, nothing is making sense in my head and I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself. I pass out again at the front door and a half asleep Roxy standing there in her pyjamas sees it. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through their little minds seeing Mummy like this. We manage to get in the car and to Clinica Juaneda where again, I slump on the floor in the admissions. This is my treatment clinic, so they have my notes on file there and I'm taken straight through. It's horrific, I feel horrific, I do not know why I am there, I feel confused and scared. I'm put in a room on a trolley bed in full view of other patients in the hallway. I start to throw up in the bin. My poor babies seeing their Mummy laying there...they don't cry now they just stare at me with their big wide eyes, trying to take it all in. Chris takes them to the waiting room so that I can have my blood tests and heart monitored. I remember laying there and feeling fear...absolute fear that I wasn't going to leave that room, fear that my girl's lasting memory would be of me on a hospital trolley in my PJ's and dying. The doctor talks with Chris and Chris informs her of the oil. We wait for an hour for the blood results to come back. I'm convinced by now that I am falling off of the hospital trolley bed and keep asking Chris to help me. I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself, it's a very surreal experience. The results of heart and bloods are all clear...really good in fact. The doctor comes and looks at me with a smile on her face and says in a very calm, reassuring voice "Amanda, you are just stoned, very stoned. You should feel better in a few hours"!!! She then tells me to speak to my doctor about having 'the oil' on a prescription so I know the correct dosage. We have to wait at reception for my notes to be printed off and they ask "so how you feeling now Mrs Coleman" with a smile. Seriously, I'm so embarrassed. I'll be forever known as the 44 year old mother of 2 with colon cancer that got well and truly stoned. Thankfully it was only that, obviously I can't wipe away that night from the little's memory but we will when they are older explain what really happened on that night to silly old Mummy. Really, you couldn't make this stuff up...this journey although painful is also providing us with some lasting memories that also make us smile alongside the tears. All I need to do now is stop Chris from calling me Cheech all the time.
If laughter is medicine and the cure to all....I have absolutely nothing to worry about!!
http://www.collective-evolution.com/2015/04/15/the-us-finally-admits-cannabis-kills-cancer-cells
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