Rollercoaster rides are terrifying for me. I always think I'm going to fall out and die. I have the anxiety of when will this bloody awful ride finish and even when I get off and know that I am on the ground and safe, I still feel sick and unsure for a while afterwards. This is what it is like after cancer and chemotherapy.
Christmas came and went. Littles back to school and Chris back to work. Me at home with me. So many hospital appointments since January...15 in total. Well at least those appointments made me leave the house. I had developed (since the chemo finished in September) this dislike in leaving the house. I can't even say it was a fear, because the thought of going out didn't scare me, and everyday when I woke up I would tell myself that today would be the day I'd go out for a long walk in the fresh air, but there was something deep inside that was stopping me, this anxiety would start up in the pit of my stomach. This in turn then angered me. "What is wrong with you Amanda" I would actually say out loud to myself. I found plenty to do indoors and I did manage get to shops to get food in for the family and take Scruffy for a small walk, but it was always local, my safe ground, not too far from home! I think at first when the chemo finished, my neuropathy was so horrific that I was anxious not to go too far (well I could hardly walk) in case I got stuck and couldn't get home, plus I still felt sick and so tired BUT we were now in January and I was getting stronger and my legs were so much better. Come on. I should be back at the gym by now shifting this extra 8 kilos, I should be out walking around the shops looking at clothes, meeting friends and being thankful for being alive. Oh I was thankful, in abundance but that just didn't make me feel any better! I just couldn't understand this feeling, such an empty feeling. Not a depression, not even a sadness, just a vacant feeling of not even really knowing what I was supposed to be doing. Why was I not living? Amanda you beat cancer for now, get out there and show the world. Easy right and makes total sense?
Apparently not.
I was/am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to my amazing therapist (she specialises in cancer and is linked to my clinic), I do not have to be so thankful, that actually it is ok to be just a tad pissed off that I got cancer and had to go through chemotherapy. As she so rightly pointed out, cancer is shit and it takes everything out of you. It is ok for me to want to be at home. It is ok to take things more slowly. I am not that woman I was before and actually that is ok. I unexpectedly cried when we discussed this. I didn't realise that I was angry at getting colon cancer and that I was indeed hurting so deeply. I worked so hard at staying positive through my treatment, obviously I had down days where the tears came but I never really felt deep anger. I did in this session. It felt good to feel it then release it. We are working together. I have my little exercises that I must do and it is such a relief to find someone that understands everything that comes out of my mouth and can make total sense of it. It would seem, I am not an emotional wreck, just a woman who got cancer and is rebuilding her life slowly. After all it can take up to two years to recover from giving birth...I just need to be a bit more patient with myself.
So, days are getting better, much better. I'm venturing out more and poor Scruffy is exhausted now after our walks. On the days I do not feel brave enough, I stay at home and I do not beat myself up about this. My neuropathy is still really bad. Just recently I had an Electromyography (EMG), and it would seem that I do have permanent toxic polyneuropathy and although my hands and feet have improved tremendously since September, I still have awful heat/cold sensitivity...even now typing my finger tips are freezing and I can not feel them, plus my fingers and toes permanently tingle, and I often have shooting pains up through my arms. The worst thing is though that I seem to have developed this inability to wear gloves, which of courser would help with the cold sensitivity, as textures on my hands give me the heebie jeebies. Our dishwasher broke recently (we are about to totally renovate our apartment, so have to wait for our new kitchen to be fitted), so thought I would wear rubber gloves to wash up. BIG MISTAKE. I was actually heaving whilst washing up, shaking my hands violently trying to get them off. So gloves are a no but socks are a BIG YES! If my feet are bare I find it difficult to walk...I live in Mallorca, what will I do come May. Socks and flipflops??
Well it's been a year since my diagnosis, a year since major surgery and nearly a year since I started my chemotherapy. Blimey. It has been a long, extremely difficult road to recovery and it certainly isn't over. Do I worry that the cancer will come back, well it does cross my mind very occasionally, I get that bloody "what iff" moment but I am not going to let that thought take over. People ask "what do you think you have learnt from this experience", for me that is too deep a question. Every step of a journey like this teaches you something, each step changes your views and opinions on so many life things. Everyones journey is so different. For me personally, I guess the biggest thing I've learnt is to live in the moment. No point in worrying about the past or the future, I am here now, right now.
This is my life and I am going to live it.
