Sorry for blog silence. I've been very down. Cancer is a complete bastard and I've grown to realise that although you go through chemo quite triumphantly, nothing really prepares you for the massive down that you have from it. If you were a 1990s party person then you might understand a little of the down feeling from a heavy weekend and that awful Monday morning fear. If you have always been straight and not had that "party hangover" ... firstly, well done you (you were never on my friends list back then LOL) and secondly, I can only describe it as a form of SAD or slight depression. Yes, it was a depression. How on earth can I be alive but still feel so dead inside. Yes. Dead. No purpose. Terrible to say that out loud, but that is how I felt. Uff. I struggled so badly this year with post chemo stress if you can call it that. How can I be cancer free, yet feel so completely broken inside!!!
ANYWAY. Let us not dwell on that. I had depression. I didn't shout that from the roof tops, but I did seek some professional help. I felt on the edge. Not really sure what I was supposed to be doing. It was horrendous, I got through it with the love and support of my husband, knowing my children needed me and from friends. I thank you special people.
So here we are, one year on. So much to say yet I do not want to bore you. Renovating our house, first holiday in 14 years without the children (Vietnam which was spectacular and a little trip to Hong Kong to see my bestie), health scares which have kept us awake (lung & bone issues) and the fear of the dreaded C coming back. I will be honest, I really thought the cancer had come back and this time to my lungs. Thankfully, the problem with my lungs is that I have developed asthma and nothing more sinister.
So one year on. Where am I? Well, I'm happier than I was at the start of the year, actually much happier than I was even a couple of months ago, but there are these constant reminders of the C and the these reminders totally overwhelm me. For example. Chris and I decided to go for a lunch along the coast, a little village we had visited during my chemo treatment. We parked up and walked the path with the sea on one side and the cafes & restaurants on the other. We walked for 15 minutes and he says to me lets turn and find somewhere to eat, I replied that I wanted to continue the walk as I really enjoy the fact that I can now (remember my little old lady feet that would trip me up during treatment!), anyway he informs me that it's the end of the path. I just stood there and I felt this wave of grief. This time last year that 15 minute walk had taken me 45 minutes! The tears poured as I remembered how I struggled last year in the heat to do that small walk, how my feet shuffled and how out of breathe I was. Then last week we took the girls shopping and stopped off for drinks. I turn and notice on the table next to me a bald woman nursing a drink and her partner rubbing her back. I turn to look at Chris and he nods and says yes, "I can see her port". Another cancer warrior. She looked so grey, so exhausted. It wasn't her actually that made me cry but her partner. I remember Chris looking at me like that and rubbing my back to soothe and comfort me when we were out. Just the sheer effort of being out but feeling absolutely awful. I wanted to go to them and hug them. Wish I had now. Then the scan appointments which I have every 6 months, these give me mini breakdowns. I go on my own now to these as I find it mentally easier not having to make conversation with anyone. As soon as I see the chairs outside the scan room, the tears start. Two weeks ago, I was there talking to myself, telling myself to calm down. I couldn't catch my breath. Then of course, this week collecting my results...which were clear, just the absolute relief of that prompted the tears. I guess this is just the way it's going to be. Little triggers...that make me realise how lucky I am.
So one year on. After receiving the all clear for a second time, I am feeling so very thankful. I think mentally, I needed to get to 12 months and I do feel that now I can move forward a little more, cliché I know but I kept telling myself, that if I could get to 12 months cancer free then I'd have a fantastic chance going forward. I was beginning to feel like I was living in limbo. Now I feel my purpose is back. I had cancer and I survived the chemotherapy. Yes it has changed me but I am getting stronger physically. Yes, some days are terribly tough on me and yes, some days my body hurts still so much that even getting up out of bed can be painful, but, the very big but is that I am still here and I am cancer free. I do find myself stopping a lot now when I am out for walks with my Scuffy and just taking in my surroundings. I was always in such a rush before and now I notice everything. I just stand and take it all in. Life is really very beautiful.
So, we are nearing the end of the summer holidays. Smallest little's 9th birthday coming up at the beginning of September, actually she starts at her new school on her birthday. Busy planning her party and surprises. I do love a birthday :-) The teenage little is growing up too quickly but it's fascinating watching her become a lovely young lady. These heartbeats are what I live for and what I will continue to fight for and for my husband who has been my lobster throughout.
I think the next 12 months will be easier and I'm excited for the first time in a very long time. I'm determined and with determination you can pretty much do anything.
Marci Simmons...forever in my thoughts.
