Wow look at me. My second Christmas since my colon cancer stage 3 diagnosis. Writing that feels so bloody fabulous and even saying and coming to terms finally with STAGE 3 COLON CANCER is such a massive achievement!
What a year. What a hard, uphill emotionally and more importantly, physically challenging year this has been, since my one year all clear... NED (no evidence of disease). Don't get me wrong, the chemo was tough but boy oh boy has this year recovering been the hardest challenge of my life and I thought I was a tough cookie but my willpower and core has really been tested these past 12 months.
So a particularly interesting session with my therapist a couple of months ago was enlightening and quite possibly has changed everything for me. It is no secret that I fell into a black hole for a long time after my chemo finished in September 2015 and I needed help. I could not continue to walk around crying and feeling dead inside. Even seeing and surrounding myself with the littles, even that couldn't lift the dark cloud. I felt that I had no purpose and I felt numb. Actually I felt nothing, only sadness. How could this be life, how could I have been given the all clear and still feel nothing. I told my therapist this and how empty I felt. She looked at me and said " Amanda, you are so lucky to feel this empty feeling, not many people get to feel this calm empty feeling. It is a blank canvas, you can start again". That frustration that I had felt seeing all my friends and loved ones carrying on with life was just that. They were carrying on with life and quite rightly so. My life had changed, not theirs. Everything that was me before was not anymore and this empty feeling was a chance for me to start again. I have a new beginning. Sounds all very hippy but it's actually very simple if you think about it. In those one hour sessions, it changed everything for me. I walked away and left behind 18 months of emotional agony and breathed slowly out.
I am feeling very blessed and VERY privileged that I am celebrating another Christmas with my favourite people. Anyone that has had to suffer colon cancer will know the probabilities and chances. So to be here again, healthy pretty much (let's keep it happy and ignore the side effects on this blog) is an absolute pleasure that I will not take for granted. For the first time in a very long time I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. I feel joy in the day to day things. I have embraced my new self and do you know what, I actually like her. I like the changes, and I am ready to start anew. I guess it helps that we have an new addition to the family, we have Monty a gorgeous 10 week old puppy who we adopted from a rescue centre and who has the energy of a brand new battery!!! . Any of my fellow warriors reading this blog, I can not tell you how much animals help lift your mood. So between him, Scruffy and my two littles, life is chaotic and busy which I love.
My favourite time of the year is nearly here. I thought I went all out last year but I think maybe I've outdone myself this year :-) The littles of course will reap the benefits of this and so they should. They have both excelled at school again this year, with outstanding school reports. They are beautiful, kind and courageous girls. I am totally in awe of their amazingness and so very thankful to enjoy another year with them. I gaze at them every day and just love how they are growing into fantastic little beings. They are so strong. I do not fear so much now like I did at the beginning because I think I'm / Chris and I are doing a good job at keeping them secure and confident with life. They know and we know, nothing is for granted and we all appreciate what we have right now.
Wishing you all, wherever you are, a beautiful, peaceful and healthy Christmas.
