No contest. Chemotherapy was easier!!! There I've said it.
Recovery is a dark lonely place. The phone calls and messages stop (apart from very close friends and family)...well after all, you've beaten cancer, you are alive and on your way to feeling 'normal' again are you not! Be thankful, you are one of the lucky ones. How happy you must be. How lucky you are that you are not at work. Must be so nice to be at home every day. Then come the messages from people who feel guilty for not being part of your journey, so they push their feelings onto you..."I've not heard from you, I feel that our friendship has changed, I'm not sure how to process all of this".
I thought back in February that I was doing ok. I started back at the gym finally, ok very gradually but I built it up to three times a week. I went out on my own in the evening for the second time since my treatment finished and I thought things would improve mentally for me. Not at all. I think it was around treatment 7 in June last year I wrote about treading water. I feel like I am treading water again, frantically treading water. I just can't find the joy in this new life that I have. I used to be a dreamer. I would dream of things, plan things, look forward and be so excited about most things in life. I feel empty. I have become this fabulous actress. I get up and put that Mummy smile on. I get joy from my girls but I feel as though I'm just gliding through their lives. They are so used to me being at the hospital now for check ups, blood tests, being asleep because 'Mummy is tired (STILL...6 MONTHS AFTER CHEMO HAS FINISHED!!!!). I often wonder if they remember the Mummy that I was... I find myself smiling and saying "yes I feel great" to anyone who asks how I am. Much easier than saying, well to be honest I still often shit myself, I feel tired every 4th to 5th day of the week, I often just want to hide under the duvet because it is easier than dealing with simple day to day tasks and I really can not focus on the future anymore, oh and I will sometimes just spontaneously burst into uncontrollable tears. Thanks for asking though.
Cancer awareness, how fabulous is that. Yes, we must raise awareness of cancer, I appreciate that and I do and will continue to try and educate people about my cancer, colon cancer but, how about raising awareness for the cancer treatment and it's aftermath !! Why are there no leaflets to help explain these horrific side effects, how cancer and the treatment will change you. My particular chemo has left me with permanent neuropathy and although I have learnt to live with this, I wish I had known that I would need to learn to walk again, teach myself how to use my hands again and that I would be in constant pain daily, which will then wake me each night with the shooting pains through my bones...but at least I am able to use a knife and fork as that was embarrassing for a while!
I know that every cancer is different, each treatment is different as are the people who have to suffer this disgusting illness. I know that each sufferer deals with this in their own unique manner BUT I do know that I am not the only one who feels this way. The problem is that after treatment has finished, everyone assumes the journey is over. It is only the beginning. I feel joy for those who just pick up where they left off. Not everyone can do that. I obviously can't seem to do that. Nobody wants to admit that they are not happy after treatment has finished and they have been told that they have the all clear for now. We have to reach 5 more years of all clears and this involves a lot of hospital visits, a lot of blood tests, scans and with colon cancer, a colonoscopy each year. Everyone expects you to be back to normal. We are not. Normal will never be the same again. It is a new 'normal' which it seems takes time to adjust to.
Although feeling a bit low and lost, there are a lot of good things going right now. Our home is being totally renovated, my port was removed this week and my little family continue to be absolutely amazing. I can see that I am blessed, I am just struggling with my new me at the moment. Nobody wants to be the new girl in the class do they and that is how I feel at the moment. I think it will take a while to like this new girl. I do tell myself on a day to day basis to 'buck up', 'get a grip' but as with being a parent (why is there no handbook for being a parent?), nobody gives you a handbook on how to deal with cancer and the months after it. I am sure I will get there...albeit slowly.
