Seriously, how many times do we hear "life is a gift, go with it, there is a plan for you, there is a higher reason why these things happen".
BULLSHIT
Life is a challenge. We cope with our cards that are dealt to us. Life is a gift but come on... someone higher wouldn't let us suffer so much !!!
Backtrack. I had a new tumour. Rectal cancer they said. Big new aggressive cancerous tumour. So much pain, like I explained in my last blog. We need to remove the rectum they said. They took this tumour away along with my rectum and a little piece of my lady area,,, can you imagine
... 27 hours later ...
So, I was amazing, 27 hours, broken, BUT ... she bounced back. Gorgeous girl they said. 6 days in intensive care ... then 6 days in hospital after. Wow, strong girl!
Go strong amazing brave girl. You have done this before, you can do this again. Hmmmmmmm HELLO.
Oh go me. Had my rectum removed, along with some of my lady garden. Oh I'm so brave. Hmmmm did I have a choice. Not really. Got released from hospital along with the news that the new cancer was aggressive again and not only in my lymph nodes but in my blood vessels. ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH chemo and radiation is recommended !!!!!!!!!!!!! However, I am the proud owner of a great new accessory ... oh yes, my speaking bag. Well, nobody told me the new bag, which incidentally is my new arse, which is attached to my tummy (for those of you confused), would be so vocal. Oh, my bag talks. Why wouldn't it!
Sooooooo.... Getting used to my bag and dealing with the fact that I have to start chemo and radiation again... hold on ... ALERT FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE ANTI CHEMO (who never had cancer or had to deal with this awful choice), got told the percentages of how awful my new cancer was and how aggressive my cancers seem to be. I took myself away for a few weeks because I felt ashamed that I agreed to chemo again after publicly telling everyone that I would never do it again. Can you imagine being a 46 year old mother of 2 beautiful girls and the wife of the best man ever and then having to make the decision when they tell you ... treatment or 40% chance of it coming back and then they tell you even after treatment it's still 20% that it will return and if it does then you have not much chance because it will be untreatable. Hmmmmmm, I really want to trust in my kale and cannabis oil and everything else organic that I'm doing but I'm SCARED because I am a Mummy and have to do everything that I can to stay alive. Easy to say go natural when you have never faced this devil! Don't be that friend that puts shame on your friend because of your own beliefs regarding chemotherapy.
When I got home from hospital, I had my teenage little collapse in my arms and she sobbed. I held her for about 10 minutes, it felt like an hour. I held her as I felt her heart banging with grief that her mummy was going through this again. I picked up my smallest little that doesn't really understand so much and we started the journey all over again. This time though we know it's more serious. Very serious.
Sooooo, treatment starts on Monday. Only for 5 weeks this time. Port a cath got put back in 2 days ago. I'll be doing radiation every day Monday to Friday for 5/6 weeks (arrrggghhhhh) and I'll be attached to a chemo bag every day Monday to Sunday for 5/6 weeks (arrrrrrgggghhhhhhh....)
Please no more private messages to me about how I'm killing myself with chemo etc. I know. This is not the road I wanted to take but I look at my girls and I am not confident to play Russian Roulette :-(
BEING BRAVE MEANS DOING WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID TO DO
