So, another little piece of me will be removed on Tuesday afternoon. It appears that Newbie is not very nice and is in such a bad position that I will have to have my rectum removed and a permanent colostomy bag. Brings a whole new meaning to the trend #bagforlife!
I/we have had a couple of weeks facing this and to come to terms with this. It is not something that I have decided on, it is something that needs to be done to save my life. Initially, I thought that if I could control the pain then maybe I could buy some time and try and shrink this new tumour naturally with alternative therapies and nutrition but unfortunately, Newbie is very aggressive and because of the location, the surgeon is unable to remove it and leave clear margins. I am also in excruciating pain now as it is pressing on the lady garden area and if left, I could lose her too. So, Tuesday 14th March I will check into the clinic for an 8 day minimum stay.
How do I feel about this? Well to be honest, I have to put things into perspective. Yes, I was devastated when they broke the news to me. I cried of course. Life with a bag, in Mallorca, on the beach, can I go to the gym, will I smell??? So many fears at first. Then I look at my littles and it makes total sense and I'm grateful that it is not worse. I mean, having cancer the first time and having 1/3 of my colon removed and then chemo was tough, then to be told you have cancer again and will lose your rectum was shocking BUT, it could be so much worse. This is not a new cancer but left over cancer from the first time they are telling me. I have no cancer anywhere else, so once they have removed this, I should and hope to live a long and healthy life. I look at the littles and I have to live. I want to see them go on their first date, I want to see them achieve their goals. I want to be that Mother of the Bride in a shockingly massive hat. I want to see their babies. I look at Chris and I want to grow old with him and annoy him for as long as possible. As difficult as these next few weeks will be, if it gives me time with the people that I love, then bring it on!
As always, the littles have taken it on board. The smallest little asked if having the bag meant that I wouldn't fart so much (awful side effect of losing some of your colon!!), or would it just go straight into the bag. I told her everything just goes straight to the bag. Then we laughed as we imagined all of that gas making Mummy's bag expand and I float away like the old guy in Up. Mind you, I did ask the hubby if they would sew up my bum cheeks. You can imagine the laughter.
So, I have been busy nesting today. In the kitchen making dinners to put in the freezer for them. Hubby is completely capable but this time we have no au pair and I just want to take away some of the stress from them. I know that I am the cancer sufferer but I am only too aware that they also suffer in this journey. I might feel ill and tired (which I really do this time around. The first time it was the chemo that made me feel so shit, but right now I actually do feel poorly), but they have their own symptoms of being part of a 'cancer' family. I can't imagine what goes through their heads. Hubby at work all day and often travelling, then home and takes over from me because I'm in so much pain and tired. The littles although strong must be thinking will Mummy really get better this time. So unfair that they are going through this again. Yet, every day we get up and we smile and we laugh. As I've said before, laughter is the cure for most ills. Unfortunately not for cancer, but it sure does help ease the harsh lines along the way.
All I need to do now is to work out what I'll spend that saved money on from not buying so many toilet rolls...
