I lost three friends this earlier year. Three incredible woman who had battled cancer. One lady I had only met recently over the last couple of years on facebook in one of my cancer support groups but she became a rock of support to me and a person I turned to when days were hard. The other two I had met here in Mallorca, one when I first moved here and the other about 10 years ago. One in particular had always been a strength of support to me, helping find jobs, always full of good advice and over the past two years helped me with my own cancer journey as she too had the same cancer. When she passed away, although I was very blessed and privileged to go and say goodbye to her four days before she passed, I felt this enormous amount of grief that she had died. I just couldn't comprehend that she had gone. When my second friend passed away, she passed away on her daughters birthday who is only a year older than my smallest little, I didn't know what to do with myself. I cried for her and her unbelievable strength and humour that she had shown, I cried for her husband's loss, I cried for her daughter's loss ... I cried for me! How selfish is that but I am being honest. When each of these incredibly strong and beautiful woman died, I cried also for me and my family. I cried for my littles. How can they be without a mummy. I cried for my husband's pain of losing his best friend and lover. How can I be without them!!! I couldn't help but think, me next, when will it be me, when will my little girls lose their mummy and when will my husband have to become a single father. All I could think of was "WHEN WILL IT BE ME". It tortured me. It tortures me! We have been told that both of my cancers were very aggressive and finally I have come to realise that this is a serious journey that I am on. It consumed me this summer. I wasn't and I am not giving up but in the back of my mind, I needed to know when it would be my time, I just felt as though I was waiting. Then my six month scans in September showed something, ok it was only 7mm and they can not be sure if it is a third cancer or if it is just scar tissue but that was enough to just make me spiral into this deep dark place of just waiting. We got these results on the week the littles went back to school after summer holidays. They could tell straight away from mine and Chris's faces that it was not the best of news. The littles cried... again. Uff, the hardest part of this journey is their faces when the news is not good or positive. They just sit there and very calmly ask the questions they need to know the answers to whilst tears run down their cheeks. They don't panic, they are calm but you can see the fear and sadness in their eyes. Chris cried too. I think he is just emotionally exhausted from it all. We all are. The smallest little is still somewhat overwhelmed by it, as although she doesn't often speak about it and she never mentions the C word, I get a lot of cuddles that last forever and a lot of hand holds that cut off my blood supply. I never want these to stop.
I was treading water again and teetering on the edge of that bloody rabbit hole. My mind had been a whirlwind of ups and downs since September's oncology meeting. They requested scans again eight weeks later, that gives the 7mm mass a chance to show itself. If it has grown or changed shape then we know it's another battle we face. Scans are booked for 26th and 30th and we will get the results on 6th November.
Last week I finally went back to see my amazing therapist. I had put it off as I didn't quite know what to say to her. I am often scared to completely open up as I keep my feelings so locked down in front of others and I'm scared of the tidal wave of tears that will follow once I start to speak. I hadn't seen her since July and when we met, I just flooded her with my feelings and thoughts. She made me realise that I do not need to know when "it's my time". This does not change anything nor does it achieve anything that I can not already achieve now. We talked about the old Amanda again and who I am now. She helped me to accept that this is who I am. I am a mummy that has gone through two aggressive cancers in two years and that some days will be fantastic and some days will be tough... it is ok to have tough days. Acceptance is a hard thing to do if you do not fully agree with the reality of a situation and I think this past week I have finally accepted my situation. I do not like it however. It makes me sad and often it panics me and I find myself sometimes saying out loud "please do not take me yet, I am not ready to leave".
In the midst of all of this and as usual my beautiful little family continue to go from strength to strength in their personal lives. Achievements, careers and living life to the full. I adore them. So we wait again for scans and results to see where this journey takes us next. All I can do is hope that we are given a break from it, but as before, no matter the outcome, we will go through it together holding hands and taking each day one at a time.
For three amazing and beautiful ladies. I thank you for your friendship, wisdom, humour & love.
Sleep tight.
