ROUND 9: FEELING HAPPY, RELAXED AND OPTIMISTIC

Wow what a 3 week break that was. My mum came over for a couple of days, was great to have a couple of days with her again and then she and Grampy took the girls back to the UK to start their 4 week break. I am so used to Madi being away now, she has travelled a lot for a girl of 12 and although it is always hard to say goodbye to her or take her to the airport, I've accepted that at this young age she already has the travel bug, however, saying goodbye to my Roxy was horrendous. This was the first time my baby girl had been away, on a plane without me. I knew she was beginning to struggle with the thought of going, although overly excited, because she kept climbing up onto my lap and holding my hand a lot. On the morning of 16th she didn't say too much and then it was time to go, they left very early around 7am...uff thought my chest would explode with the pain of saying goodbye, especially right now after all we have been through. I couldn't go to the airport as not enough room in the car. Apparently she cried as soon as she got to the street and then all the way to the airport, my heart sank when I heard that. When they landed Madi sent me photos of a very happy Roxy with her inflight food pack, laughing her head off. Food seems to cure all it seems.

So kids away, off Chris and I went for our 5 days away to stunning Pollensa. Hotel was simply gorgeous, with friendly happy staff  and although we were restricted by my ridiculous side effects (no beach as too hot, limited pool time as too hot and not able to be in the sun without hat and factor 50, not being able to walk far as too hot and I am completely exhausted right now) we did manage to have a good time. Very relaxed, lots of sight seeing and exploring parts that we hadn't been to before (such a beautiful island we live on) a lot of "mindfulness" moments and feel good factors seeing such beautiful things and just being in the now moment. We also had a LOT of good food - good for the soul, albeit maybe not the waist !! The whole no sun thing is strange. I am beginning to feel like an extra from Twilight. I used to be a sun goddess and now I am wearing long sleeves, factor 50 which leaves my legs with a thick white waxy covering, big hats and Jackie O shades. The chemo makes your skin super sensitive, just another side effect to deal with. Thankfully I have some great fake tan...thanks Mum.

So all in all I am feeling ok in myself. Even though I went 3 weeks with no treatment, I still have awful side effects which seem to be staying now. My neuropathy is rotten. My hands hurt, find it hard to do up buttons and pick up small things or open things, so I'm pretty much just walking around the house naked now (not a good look after 5 days of eating), but it's just too much energy to try and do clothes up!!!  It has also gone to my teeth, very strange feeling there and now full time into my legs. I get every 10 minutes these bizarre mild electricity flashes up the front of my calves. I still have hair on my head albeit very thin and limp, so just tied back each day now, no hair on my body - bonus! Nails growing like crazy but eyelashes are a fond memory...will get some extensions as soon as I have finished my last chemo, you know some bad ass massive lashes, just to make a point !!   The biggest problem for me which I know increases as the treatments continue is the utter exhaustion. I am not able to walk for long and this frustrates me, really frustrates me. In this heat, I struggle more. We really do take our bodies for granted. Actually we take most things for granted and do not truly appreciate everything we have. I was amazed at how many miserable people go on holiday, how many couples just sit there and look in the opposite direction. Did they not see what I could see? How could they not take in the beauty of their surroundings and be thankful they were able to get away from it all for a couple of weeks. I live here but just seeing the mountains and the sea made me smile.

So only had one major breakdown in 3 weeks (apart from the heartache of saying goodbye to the littles) and it was on our first night there whilst out for dinner -  in public of all places !!! As you know, I've had tears and mini breakdowns but this one, oh hello...it just came like a tidal wave, all the things I had obviously been feeling but not vocalised enough just poured out of me. What if I die, what if it comes back, we've sorted my life insurance yes Chris? Will you make sure you don't let the girls forget me. Should I write them letters just in case? Can't believe this happened to us, it will be over us forever. What if I die whilst they are away. You know, I guess all the usual things. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed into my dinner. I didn't care there were other dinners, I just needed to get it all out. I must have looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it all as I had put on so much mascara to try and have some eyelashes. Oh what a mess. Next day woke up and felt like a great weight had been lifted from me. Although I am happy and optimistic, I think I needed to get some of that emotional baggage out of me.

So am now attached to number 9. Number 9 - only 3 more to go...how bloody fantastic is that! So far, I am feeling ok. Very tired as usual but no dry heaving and only slightly nauseous. Still have the 'wind' problem, but have a feeling that is for life. I am still off the anti sickness meds and feeling very proud of myself for that. Apart from the chemo mix, I am taking no other medication. Obviously this all could change after tomorrow afternoon when I get unhooked from Charley the chemo pack as this is normally when all the side effects kick in, but I feel determined now. To be honest, I really do not care how I feel for the next 3 treatments. Throw your worst at me because I am on the home track...I am nearly done. I am impatient now, I want this over. I want me back and to start building my life again. Very much looking forward to writing about ROUND 12. I've put my big girl pants away for the time being as I feel I do not need them now. I've can see a light a very big bright light at the end of this life changing tunnel and that is called my happy healthy future.

ROUND 8: MINI MELTS AND LIFE CLARIFICATION

So round 8. Nasty for 4/5 days.  I've decided no more anti sickness meds as they are steroids which in turn have made me bloat up like a puffer fish and given me nasty blurred vision and upon further investigation have a whole heap of nasty side effects, which I seem to have had most of them. Soooooo, no more anti sickness meds...has been hard, thrown up a couple of times, a few dry heaves but to be honest I've done ok... maybe it's mind over vomit - sorry I mean mind over matter. I truly believe if you tell yourself you can do something your will. Don't get me wrong, I've had a few oscar worthy chuck up moments... amazing how I can dash from the kitchen through the front room into our bathroom and still hit bulls eye...anyone who knows our apartment will realise the distance from our kitchen to our bathroom is not small.... we have a very large apartment (plus side, additional exercise).  

4 more to go. You would think I'd be over the moon. I am. I really am. I've done so well. A few tears along the way, no major breakdowns. Children coping, husband supporting, so why oh why did I decide that this round I would have a COMPLETE AND MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!! So got to Friday, the day I'm unhooked. Got to the clinic, saw the reception desk for Oncology and completely and unashamedly lost it. I broke down. No idea why. I didn't want to go in. Had enough of this utter cancer bullshit. Come on Amanda, Friday's are good, it means unhook day from from the chemo pack, but from nowhere, this utter heartache came. I cried.  I just couldn't get it together. I stood in front of the nurses station outside of oncology and just cried and sobbed and cried. Chris went inside and waited for me to get myself together, which of course I did. Wiped my eyes, fluffed up my remaining hair (still have some) and went in.  So unhooked, weekend can begin. Lets go with the side effects, I can do this. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday - sleep, sleep, vomit, eat a bit, sleep, repeat.

I spent most of the weekend being a wet fish. I sob a lot. To be honest I am not really sure what I am crying about. It's heart wrenching the sobbing. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just crying. I am a complete and utter bitch on this round. I am not so nice to the girls, snapping at Chris. I have no patience. Poor babies...of course I am not angry or upset with them, I just have this intolerance inside of me right now. Roxy climbs up into my bed on Sunday morning and strokes my head and Madi snuggles under my arm...calm is restored. We wrap ourselves around each other and just lay there. Your children have this amazing love smell about them, it's like you can always identify your child from their smell. If you haven't done this... take a minute to smell your child.

So life changes every day. I am changing every day. I can not tolerate inconsequential bullshit now. I have gained new friends along the way and lost a couple. Both are good and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and had a "life changing experience" but I have had a life enhancing experience. I truly believe that I must learn from this. Give something back. I will work that out. I'll come back to you on that.  I do feel this urgency about life "stuff". I was before a full time working mum, gym bunny, social girl, mother, wife. I now feel this need/desire to be very close to home. Does that mean before all of this, I wasn't such a good mother/wife? Was I selfish. Do we as woman try and divide ourselves into so many pieces? I can not be the only person beating cancer questioning this.

Sooooo, 4 more to go. I have agreed with my doctor to have a 3 week break. The littles go away next week for 4 weeks... uff, will have another breakdown...but it does mean Chris and I can have a few days away together, albeit here as I can not really leave the island. So, looking forward to another break from Chemo me, will try and cope with the littles being away. They so need to be away from this/me and be in a 'normal' environment. They will be with nannas and grandads and aunties. Having fun. They need fun as they have been such strong little warriors. They amaze me. They need "cancer mummy" free time. You see, it's not only me beating this/travelling this. Can you imagine being a 12 or nearly 8 year old and trying to navigate this journey. I would imagine being in the UK with family will be the most fantastic release for them. Makes me smile...although I will miss them terribly.

So, round 9 is booked for 22nd July. Bring it on. So close to the end now. I previously wrote about being in a rabbit hole... I am now so far from falling, I am climbing up onto the edge of that rabbit hole...

Nearly there. Nearly there.