So round 8. Nasty for 4/5 days. I've decided no more anti sickness meds as they are steroids which in turn have made me bloat up like a puffer fish and given me nasty blurred vision and upon further investigation have a whole heap of nasty side effects, which I seem to have had most of them. Soooooo, no more anti sickness meds...has been hard, thrown up a couple of times, a few dry heaves but to be honest I've done ok... maybe it's mind over vomit - sorry I mean mind over matter. I truly believe if you tell yourself you can do something your will. Don't get me wrong, I've had a few oscar worthy chuck up moments... amazing how I can dash from the kitchen through the front room into our bathroom and still hit bulls eye...anyone who knows our apartment will realise the distance from our kitchen to our bathroom is not small.... we have a very large apartment (plus side, additional exercise).
4 more to go. You would think I'd be over the moon. I am. I really am. I've done so well. A few tears along the way, no major breakdowns. Children coping, husband supporting, so why oh why did I decide that this round I would have a COMPLETE AND MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!! So got to Friday, the day I'm unhooked. Got to the clinic, saw the reception desk for Oncology and completely and unashamedly lost it. I broke down. No idea why. I didn't want to go in. Had enough of this utter cancer bullshit. Come on Amanda, Friday's are good, it means unhook day from from the chemo pack, but from nowhere, this utter heartache came. I cried. I just couldn't get it together. I stood in front of the nurses station outside of oncology and just cried and sobbed and cried. Chris went inside and waited for me to get myself together, which of course I did. Wiped my eyes, fluffed up my remaining hair (still have some) and went in. So unhooked, weekend can begin. Lets go with the side effects, I can do this. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday - sleep, sleep, vomit, eat a bit, sleep, repeat.
I spent most of the weekend being a wet fish. I sob a lot. To be honest I am not really sure what I am crying about. It's heart wrenching the sobbing. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just crying. I am a complete and utter bitch on this round. I am not so nice to the girls, snapping at Chris. I have no patience. Poor babies...of course I am not angry or upset with them, I just have this intolerance inside of me right now. Roxy climbs up into my bed on Sunday morning and strokes my head and Madi snuggles under my arm...calm is restored. We wrap ourselves around each other and just lay there. Your children have this amazing love smell about them, it's like you can always identify your child from their smell. If you haven't done this... take a minute to smell your child.
So life changes every day. I am changing every day. I can not tolerate inconsequential bullshit now. I have gained new friends along the way and lost a couple. Both are good and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and had a "life changing experience" but I have had a life enhancing experience. I truly believe that I must learn from this. Give something back. I will work that out. I'll come back to you on that. I do feel this urgency about life "stuff". I was before a full time working mum, gym bunny, social girl, mother, wife. I now feel this need/desire to be very close to home. Does that mean before all of this, I wasn't such a good mother/wife? Was I selfish. Do we as woman try and divide ourselves into so many pieces? I can not be the only person beating cancer questioning this.
Sooooo, 4 more to go. I have agreed with my doctor to have a 3 week break. The littles go away next week for 4 weeks... uff, will have another breakdown...but it does mean Chris and I can have a few days away together, albeit here as I can not really leave the island. So, looking forward to another break from Chemo me, will try and cope with the littles being away. They so need to be away from this/me and be in a 'normal' environment. They will be with nannas and grandads and aunties. Having fun. They need fun as they have been such strong little warriors. They amaze me. They need "cancer mummy" free time. You see, it's not only me beating this/travelling this. Can you imagine being a 12 or nearly 8 year old and trying to navigate this journey. I would imagine being in the UK with family will be the most fantastic release for them. Makes me smile...although I will miss them terribly.
So, round 9 is booked for 22nd July. Bring it on. So close to the end now. I previously wrote about being in a rabbit hole... I am now so far from falling, I am climbing up onto the edge of that rabbit hole...
Nearly there. Nearly there.
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