ROUND 7: LIFT HYSTERIA

So I missed my number 7 treatment on 10th June as platelets were too low again, down to 86 (previously down to 74), minimum they have to be 100 to have chemo, normal range for a 'healthy' person is 150-450...just so you can get an idea. To be honest, it was a much needed and welcome break, albeit only a week but boy, what a difference those extra 7 days made to me physically and mentally. I had been struggling the past couple of weeks, it was all becoming too much, too many things floating around in my head, too many thoughts and although not necessarily negative thoughts, just to much to deal with. The further along this journey I travel the more questions I have. The problem here is that you are just not told anything. Nothing is explained. I didn't know cancer and now I do, so I have questions and they are coming thick and fast. All of which were answered on Wednesday last week when I went in for number 7. I am feeling more relaxed and calm about things now.  I mean I know that I will get the all clear in September but I just needed some reassurance that things were going in the right direction.

So, my mini break from the chemo allowed me to find myself again. It was amazing. I woke up feeling good, no headaches, no sickness, a little tiredness but I can deal with that. NO TEARS THIS ROUND :-)  I managed to go for walks (ok 2 hours still seems to be my limit but hey!). I met friends for coffee and lunches...these are my soul times, I need them. Laugher really is the best tonic and I am so very fortunate to have such amazing friends here. I miss my friends around the world terribly but they keep in contact with me through messages and whatsapps which I love. I feel more equipped now to go into the next 5 rounds, because that is all it is, just 5 more rounds!!!!!!!

So number 7 done and when we got home, Chris dropped me off and he went to park the car. I normally take the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment even with shopping bags or attached to my chemo pack  (I need this small amount of exercise), but this time I was feeling sick and tired so decided to take the lift. Our lift has been playing up recently and people have been getting stuck in it...yep you guessed it, it was my turn!  Unfortunately for me, I manage to get myself stuck in the lift with a someone who obviously suffers from claustrophobia ...FFS!!! I felt rotten, I had just been sick at the clinic and it was very hot still. All I wanted to do was to get indoors and lay down but no, I'm stuck in a lift with an hysterical woman and I mean HYSTERICAL!!!!! So the lift stops at floor 2 and the hysteria begins. She frantically starts pushing the alarm button and shouting out. The lift is not a big space and when there are arms flying around (and she is not a small lady) it becomes increasingly cramped and uncomfortable. I tell her to call the emergency number for the engineers and we then call the president of the building - neither are available. By now my husband is walking up the stairs and I call out to him to let him know I'm ok and he goes off to find the president. Meanwhile hysteria woman is now hyperventilating...shouting in Spanish and completely oblivious that I am attached to my chemo pump. She is talking to me at a thousand words a minute...I just nod "si si" and I'm doing deep breathing because all I want to do is vomit but there really isn't enough space to do this. It's actually quite funny the things that go through your mind when you are confined in a small space without knowing how long you will be there. I had figured out that I could be sick into my rather large handbag as long as I remembered to take out my MAC and hospital notes but there was no room to pee, which I was desperate to do ! Hysteria woman now had taken a break to breathe and looked at the wire which attaches to my port (just beneath my collar bone) into my pump...I explain it's my chemotherapy for my cancer...hysteria returns and she starts frantically making phone calls and shouting out to the neighbours who are now gathering at floor 2. She manages to rip open the lift door but of course, we are only faced with the brick wall and are still trapped. I ask her if she is ok, tell her to calm down and offer her my carton of pineapple juice which I was given at the hospital and I then sit on the lift floor wondering if I would get jail time for battering her across the head with my MAC...diminished responsibility and all that!! Anyway, 25 minutes later, engineers arrive to save us and we climb out of the lift and I continue the 4 floors by foot...leaving the gaggle of hysteria behind me.

So number 7 has been ok ish. I mean, I've felt sick, very sick and extremely tired and suffering with strange bouts of dizziness this time and keep falling over...previously known for falling over but this was due to alcohol....now it's my little old lady legs that give way. Had a bit of a trip up in Mercadonna this week, but thankfully I go when it's just full of old people...so I fit right in! Emotionally I feel that I am in a better place. However, I do feel that I'm changing. I am looking at things in a completely different way. Life is different now and I do feel that it has changed forever. Things that were important in my mind are not now and other things are more urgent. I feel overwhelming calm about everything which is out of character for me as I used to be such a stress head! Because of this calmness though, I am enjoying my life. I do not have the daily anxieties that I suffered before.  Does any of that make sense? No not really but I've given up trying to make any sense of this situation.

So it is now 1 week post treatment and I'm hoping that my body behaves and gives me a few good days so that number 8 can go ahead next Wednesday. Littles are officially on 13 weeks summer holidays and we have lots to look forward to. I have a LOT to look forward to...