A SHORT ENTRY: TREADING WATER

Nobody talks about the mental anguish of cancer and chemotherapy. Why is that? Does it mean you are weak if you announce your fears and anxiety, because people (they mean well) keep telling you "keep you chin up",  "you can do this", "nearly there", "you are so strong/so brave". Well the past few days I have not felt brave, I do not want to keep my head up and although I am half way and number 7 is planned for today, all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and have a complete and utter breakdown. You know the type, the ones that 2 years olds do....Roxy mastered them down to a fine art! I really do not want number 7 today because I know that this time tomorrow I will be retching, crying and holding onto the toilet. My head will feel as though it might explode. I will be unable to touch anything cold, drink only room temperature liquid for 3/4 days in this heat, wont be able to sleep because of the nausea at night then want to sleep all day. I will struggle to walk. I know that I will not get ME back until at least 8/9 days later and even then it is a poor excuse for me!  I want to cry all the time at the moment but I can't. I think right now that if I were to cry, really cry it would not stop. I feel full of tears, full of hurt from this disgusting illness and it's violently invasive treatment. It's invaded my life and I now know that cancer will be part of mine and my family's life forever. I can't accept that right now, it makes me angry. 6 more treatments then wait to see if chemo has got all the cancer, hope it hasn't travelled ...wait to see if I have to do this all over again. Then it's check ups every 3 months...to see if the bastard has stayed away...then 6 monthly...then then then...it goes on and on and on. There will always be a cancer umbrella over me. My girls will always know that there is a possibility that Mummy's cancer might return or it might not have gone...who knows. Nothing to do with positivity it's to do with being realistic. I am being positive and I do think that I'll get the best news in September but I'm also realistic in terms of how unpredictable cancer is. It hurts my heart knowing the littles have this bullshit in their lives. They make little comments like "when you are better Mummy we can do this or that", "next summer Mummy when you are better we can go to the beach, don't worry". Roxy told me the other day that it was ok to die and go to heaven if you are very very old because you have had a good long life... she then looked at me and gave me a hug. Not that they think I'm going to die, but they have their own thoughts and worries going through their little minds. How can a nearly 8 year old process this...why should a 12 year old have this fear when she is already going through her own changes. Growing up should be exciting not feeling fear that your Mummy has cancer. They are too young to have these worries and this makes me angry. How dare cancer come into our lives.

I am treading water on my own life right now. I am trying to keep my head above the waves of the cancer and chemotherapy. Nobody really wants to know the dark side of your mind, the fears you have...the sometimes morbid fears that you face going through this. So, I keep my brave face on and I'm strong for my little family. I keep my chin up and smile most days and find humour even in the dark days. I turn up for my treatments with my full dolly on smiling. I turn up for lunch on my few good days with my friends and I tell them, I'm fine, struggling on, I'll be ok. I don't want to open my flood gates as there is no return from that...right now I feel that I would drown in my own sorrow from all of this. Please don't get me wrong, it is not self pity it is just complete and utter exhaustion from the treatment and the hurt seeing my family going through this journey too.

So number 7 today and I was met with a "happy chemo day Mummy" cheer from Madison this morning. She makes me smile. So that is why, although I want to scream and shout and cry, I wont. If I am strong they feel secure, they see me smile they smile, if I cry they are scared and sad and I don't want that. So off I'll go with my lipgloss on again, see the lovely team at Juaneda and get it done...just get it done Amanda.