LIFE AFTER CHEMO - WHO AM I NOW?

Oh my, so much to say. So chemotherapy came and chemotherapy left. I thought the last session of chemotherapy I would be elated, I thought my room in the clinic would be decorated with balloons. If I had decorated my room it would have been with "what the f**k" balloons. I started this journey, this chemotherapy journey within absolute joyfulness, almost too much positivity. The problem is with chemotherapy, it takes away the layer of your own personality, it peels away layers of yourself and everything there is of you. Nobody tells you about the chemotherapy, nobody tells you about the mental side of this therapy, and nobody tells you of the physical side of it. The problem is with colon cancer, it is just not sexy enough. There are no pink ribbons, big pink fluffy hearts, mostly it is all about bathroom visits and shitting your pants. Who talks about that? Also, the problem with chemotherapy for colon cancer, patients is that you look okay. I had my hair, I did not lose weight, in fact I got fat! Cancer gets bald and skinny right! In reality, not my cancer, not my treatment.

So I had my last chemotherapy treatment  in September & the scan then all clear results (threw myself...boobies out of dress kinda throw at my consultant & big kiss on face!!!) I went home, and life started again. apparently. Life did not start again for a while, life became more difficult, yes I got the all clear and, yes the balloons should be in my house, yes I should be partying and celebrating no cancer. The problem is with getting an all clear after the chemotherapy, is that you must remain cancer free for five years. The cancer umbrella remains. Now I am not being negative, in fact I'm being very positive, but the truth is the cancer umbrella is with me/us for another five years! Five years of scans & tests every couple of months. I have two littles that will be busy the next five years. Do we really have time for this! I became very scared to leave the house. I had been in this house for seven months, in my bedroom, in my bathroom being sick. I have forgotten how to be me! I got scared of the outside. I forgot who i was. Is there a me after all of this?

So I am now three months from my last chemotherapy treatment, my neuropathy is off the scale of hideousness, my fingers my toes, every day it is a new challenge. I am getting used to this new me. We laugh when I drop things, the knife on the cats head, poking Roxanne in the eye doing her hair for her ballet classes. Life has changed. Do I feel better that life has changed? Yes actually yes to be honest, I actually feel privileged to know how precious life is. The problem is with humans we take for granted our lives. I mean, we all know that we're going to die, the problem is for most of us, we never really have it put, smack bang in our faces do we? If we did, most of us would make some changes. For me having cancer, for having chemotherapy it has made me re-evaluate things that I find important to me. Life is more urgent now. I am finding the new me and accepting her. I will be honest, I did also morn the old me. I miss some aspects of her, but I am embracing and accepting the changes.

Christmas will be special this year. Christmas is always special in our house but I think this year the hugs will be tighter and longer. I can not wait for christmas morning...

ROUND 10 & 11: 45 WITH FEARS & TEARS

It seems like forever ago that I updated my blog and it's not because I had nothing to say, I had plenty to say but sometimes things are best left unsaid!!!  It's been a tough few weeks and to be honest, took me by surprise at how low I got in such a short space of time. Strange really as I'm at the finishing line almost, so you would think that I'd be excited like a 5 year old at Christmas,  but I just fell into a massive hole. The tears were continuous on a daily basis. My littles were away and Chris went back to work and I was home alone just crying. A complete and utter sadness fell upon me that I could not shift. No sure if it is/was fear of the unknown or maybe it was the chemotherapy playing havoc with my hormones or maybe I am just so generally run down AND both mentally and physically exhausted by all of this. Number 10 was fairly kind to me and although they have now stopped the Oxaliplatin, I do have the most horrendous neuropathy in my hands and feet. I struggle to use my hands for the most simplest of tasks. My feet are the same, so I fall over a lot. A week ago I was just standing in the bathroom at the sink and suddenly fell backwards into the bath - can you just picture that...it was fairly comical!

So I had my 45th birthday. Wasn't really fussed about celebrating it to be honest. It was the first time in 15 years that I had woken up alone as littles were still away and Chris working. Empty house. I had a moment when I woke up, the old "what ifs" tried poking their way through to me again. Historically, I woke up on my birthday wishing I hadn't started my celebrations 2 weeks previously as I normally had another few nights ahead of me of drinking and socialising but this year all I could think was "how many more birthdays I have got in front of me" Thankfully a handful of my girlfriends (and token guy - thanks Karl xxxx) came and met me for brunch, showering me with gorgeous gifts. I then had a fabulous sea view late lunch with the hubby. So all in all a good day.

Littles came home on 12th August and normal chaos in the house resumed. Happy mummy...you would think but still the tears and sadness continue??? So many things are playing on my mind. I can't help thinking about the future now. All of a sudden this feels so real. Not that the past 6 months have not been real, believe me, it's been like a living nightmare but my focus before was to get to this stage and now I am at this stage I have developed a fear for the future. I started this journey so openly positive with no fear and now, although I truly believe it will be ok, I have this deep fear. Does any of that make sense? I can't sleep at night so I am utterly exhausted every day and as I mentioned above, the neuropathy is just awful and so bloody painful. The pain shoots through my bones now and I wake with terrible cramps in my feet and legs. I drop things, I can not open or do up things, I struggle with normal daily tasks that require hands and feet. I have to really concentrate when I walk or I just fall or stumble. I am covered in bruises as I bump into things. I most probably look and act permanently pissed. Could be worse I guess. I get asked a lot indoors - do you need help, to which I shout frustratedly back "No, I can do it"!!!!

I am also dealing with people (only a handful but that's enough) and their attitudes. People's inability to grasp how it is to go through chemo. How is it I can go out on some days and not others, why can I attend some social functions but not others. Why do I not return all calls and messages. How can she feel ill when she looks ok. Really?  Should I have just stayed at home then in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself? Just because I have a smile on my face and my dolly on, don't underestimate the utter struggle that I am going through...or better still, just ask me what I am going through and I'll happily explain it to you.

So mini moan over. Positives: Littles are home. Hurrah. One of my birthday presents from them and the hubby was tickets for the littles and I to go and see Don Quixote by the Moscow Ballet at the Palma Auditorium.  Little Roxy was so excited as it was her first trip to the ballet. We got dressed in our pretty dresses and lots of lip gloss. Another beautiful memory made. No tears just lots of smiles.

Positive: One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A new life to enjoy.

Positive:  I have a new oncologist who is amazing. He has answered all of my questions and concerns which were previously answered with just a "it's normal" comment. He gives me some confidence in this revolting treatment.

Positive: I still have hair...it looks terrible but I still have it. Still none on my body which of course is a massive HURRAH :-)

Positive: My nails look bloody fabulous...strange really as I can't feel my finger tips so cutting them (they need cutting every 2/3 days..go figure!!) is interesting and challenging with a hint of danger thrown in.

Positive: I have a great circle of friends & family who are doing their best to keep me upbeat on a daily basis. Love these fabulous souls and their little whatsapps and phone calls. Keep them coming because I do truly appreciate them. Sorry if the answer is short and to the point but I can't feel my fingers to type on an iPhone  ;-)

Positive: My husband still tolerates me and continues to be a rock through all of this.

So just finishing number 11 this week and although it's been hideous so far with the sickness, it is number 11, so that means final chemo is booked for 2nd September, my scan is booked for 16th September (to see if I am clear of Trevor) and I get my results on 23rd September. In between all of that, my smallest little has an 8th birthday to celebrate on 12th September... which of course we will in style with BIG SMILES on our faces. Roller coaster of a month. I will be honest, I am petrified. I am positive. Up and down with the emotions. So much hangs in these next few weeks. Bizarre to think that my body already knows, it already has the answer inside but I have to wait just a little bit longer.

As always we will deal with whatever is thrown our way. I'm hoping it's a lot smaller than what it threw us in January.

ROUND 9: FEELING HAPPY, RELAXED AND OPTIMISTIC

Wow what a 3 week break that was. My mum came over for a couple of days, was great to have a couple of days with her again and then she and Grampy took the girls back to the UK to start their 4 week break. I am so used to Madi being away now, she has travelled a lot for a girl of 12 and although it is always hard to say goodbye to her or take her to the airport, I've accepted that at this young age she already has the travel bug, however, saying goodbye to my Roxy was horrendous. This was the first time my baby girl had been away, on a plane without me. I knew she was beginning to struggle with the thought of going, although overly excited, because she kept climbing up onto my lap and holding my hand a lot. On the morning of 16th she didn't say too much and then it was time to go, they left very early around 7am...uff thought my chest would explode with the pain of saying goodbye, especially right now after all we have been through. I couldn't go to the airport as not enough room in the car. Apparently she cried as soon as she got to the street and then all the way to the airport, my heart sank when I heard that. When they landed Madi sent me photos of a very happy Roxy with her inflight food pack, laughing her head off. Food seems to cure all it seems.

So kids away, off Chris and I went for our 5 days away to stunning Pollensa. Hotel was simply gorgeous, with friendly happy staff  and although we were restricted by my ridiculous side effects (no beach as too hot, limited pool time as too hot and not able to be in the sun without hat and factor 50, not being able to walk far as too hot and I am completely exhausted right now) we did manage to have a good time. Very relaxed, lots of sight seeing and exploring parts that we hadn't been to before (such a beautiful island we live on) a lot of "mindfulness" moments and feel good factors seeing such beautiful things and just being in the now moment. We also had a LOT of good food - good for the soul, albeit maybe not the waist !! The whole no sun thing is strange. I am beginning to feel like an extra from Twilight. I used to be a sun goddess and now I am wearing long sleeves, factor 50 which leaves my legs with a thick white waxy covering, big hats and Jackie O shades. The chemo makes your skin super sensitive, just another side effect to deal with. Thankfully I have some great fake tan...thanks Mum.

So all in all I am feeling ok in myself. Even though I went 3 weeks with no treatment, I still have awful side effects which seem to be staying now. My neuropathy is rotten. My hands hurt, find it hard to do up buttons and pick up small things or open things, so I'm pretty much just walking around the house naked now (not a good look after 5 days of eating), but it's just too much energy to try and do clothes up!!!  It has also gone to my teeth, very strange feeling there and now full time into my legs. I get every 10 minutes these bizarre mild electricity flashes up the front of my calves. I still have hair on my head albeit very thin and limp, so just tied back each day now, no hair on my body - bonus! Nails growing like crazy but eyelashes are a fond memory...will get some extensions as soon as I have finished my last chemo, you know some bad ass massive lashes, just to make a point !!   The biggest problem for me which I know increases as the treatments continue is the utter exhaustion. I am not able to walk for long and this frustrates me, really frustrates me. In this heat, I struggle more. We really do take our bodies for granted. Actually we take most things for granted and do not truly appreciate everything we have. I was amazed at how many miserable people go on holiday, how many couples just sit there and look in the opposite direction. Did they not see what I could see? How could they not take in the beauty of their surroundings and be thankful they were able to get away from it all for a couple of weeks. I live here but just seeing the mountains and the sea made me smile.

So only had one major breakdown in 3 weeks (apart from the heartache of saying goodbye to the littles) and it was on our first night there whilst out for dinner -  in public of all places !!! As you know, I've had tears and mini breakdowns but this one, oh hello...it just came like a tidal wave, all the things I had obviously been feeling but not vocalised enough just poured out of me. What if I die, what if it comes back, we've sorted my life insurance yes Chris? Will you make sure you don't let the girls forget me. Should I write them letters just in case? Can't believe this happened to us, it will be over us forever. What if I die whilst they are away. You know, I guess all the usual things. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed into my dinner. I didn't care there were other dinners, I just needed to get it all out. I must have looked like Alice Cooper by the end of it all as I had put on so much mascara to try and have some eyelashes. Oh what a mess. Next day woke up and felt like a great weight had been lifted from me. Although I am happy and optimistic, I think I needed to get some of that emotional baggage out of me.

So am now attached to number 9. Number 9 - only 3 more to go...how bloody fantastic is that! So far, I am feeling ok. Very tired as usual but no dry heaving and only slightly nauseous. Still have the 'wind' problem, but have a feeling that is for life. I am still off the anti sickness meds and feeling very proud of myself for that. Apart from the chemo mix, I am taking no other medication. Obviously this all could change after tomorrow afternoon when I get unhooked from Charley the chemo pack as this is normally when all the side effects kick in, but I feel determined now. To be honest, I really do not care how I feel for the next 3 treatments. Throw your worst at me because I am on the home track...I am nearly done. I am impatient now, I want this over. I want me back and to start building my life again. Very much looking forward to writing about ROUND 12. I've put my big girl pants away for the time being as I feel I do not need them now. I've can see a light a very big bright light at the end of this life changing tunnel and that is called my happy healthy future.

ROUND 8: MINI MELTS AND LIFE CLARIFICATION

So round 8. Nasty for 4/5 days.  I've decided no more anti sickness meds as they are steroids which in turn have made me bloat up like a puffer fish and given me nasty blurred vision and upon further investigation have a whole heap of nasty side effects, which I seem to have had most of them. Soooooo, no more anti sickness meds...has been hard, thrown up a couple of times, a few dry heaves but to be honest I've done ok... maybe it's mind over vomit - sorry I mean mind over matter. I truly believe if you tell yourself you can do something your will. Don't get me wrong, I've had a few oscar worthy chuck up moments... amazing how I can dash from the kitchen through the front room into our bathroom and still hit bulls eye...anyone who knows our apartment will realise the distance from our kitchen to our bathroom is not small.... we have a very large apartment (plus side, additional exercise).  

4 more to go. You would think I'd be over the moon. I am. I really am. I've done so well. A few tears along the way, no major breakdowns. Children coping, husband supporting, so why oh why did I decide that this round I would have a COMPLETE AND MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!! So got to Friday, the day I'm unhooked. Got to the clinic, saw the reception desk for Oncology and completely and unashamedly lost it. I broke down. No idea why. I didn't want to go in. Had enough of this utter cancer bullshit. Come on Amanda, Friday's are good, it means unhook day from from the chemo pack, but from nowhere, this utter heartache came. I cried.  I just couldn't get it together. I stood in front of the nurses station outside of oncology and just cried and sobbed and cried. Chris went inside and waited for me to get myself together, which of course I did. Wiped my eyes, fluffed up my remaining hair (still have some) and went in.  So unhooked, weekend can begin. Lets go with the side effects, I can do this. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday - sleep, sleep, vomit, eat a bit, sleep, repeat.

I spent most of the weekend being a wet fish. I sob a lot. To be honest I am not really sure what I am crying about. It's heart wrenching the sobbing. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just crying. I am a complete and utter bitch on this round. I am not so nice to the girls, snapping at Chris. I have no patience. Poor babies...of course I am not angry or upset with them, I just have this intolerance inside of me right now. Roxy climbs up into my bed on Sunday morning and strokes my head and Madi snuggles under my arm...calm is restored. We wrap ourselves around each other and just lay there. Your children have this amazing love smell about them, it's like you can always identify your child from their smell. If you haven't done this... take a minute to smell your child.

So life changes every day. I am changing every day. I can not tolerate inconsequential bullshit now. I have gained new friends along the way and lost a couple. Both are good and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and had a "life changing experience" but I have had a life enhancing experience. I truly believe that I must learn from this. Give something back. I will work that out. I'll come back to you on that.  I do feel this urgency about life "stuff". I was before a full time working mum, gym bunny, social girl, mother, wife. I now feel this need/desire to be very close to home. Does that mean before all of this, I wasn't such a good mother/wife? Was I selfish. Do we as woman try and divide ourselves into so many pieces? I can not be the only person beating cancer questioning this.

Sooooo, 4 more to go. I have agreed with my doctor to have a 3 week break. The littles go away next week for 4 weeks... uff, will have another breakdown...but it does mean Chris and I can have a few days away together, albeit here as I can not really leave the island. So, looking forward to another break from Chemo me, will try and cope with the littles being away. They so need to be away from this/me and be in a 'normal' environment. They will be with nannas and grandads and aunties. Having fun. They need fun as they have been such strong little warriors. They amaze me. They need "cancer mummy" free time. You see, it's not only me beating this/travelling this. Can you imagine being a 12 or nearly 8 year old and trying to navigate this journey. I would imagine being in the UK with family will be the most fantastic release for them. Makes me smile...although I will miss them terribly.

So, round 9 is booked for 22nd July. Bring it on. So close to the end now. I previously wrote about being in a rabbit hole... I am now so far from falling, I am climbing up onto the edge of that rabbit hole...

Nearly there. Nearly there.

ROUND 7: LIFT HYSTERIA

So I missed my number 7 treatment on 10th June as platelets were too low again, down to 86 (previously down to 74), minimum they have to be 100 to have chemo, normal range for a 'healthy' person is 150-450...just so you can get an idea. To be honest, it was a much needed and welcome break, albeit only a week but boy, what a difference those extra 7 days made to me physically and mentally. I had been struggling the past couple of weeks, it was all becoming too much, too many things floating around in my head, too many thoughts and although not necessarily negative thoughts, just to much to deal with. The further along this journey I travel the more questions I have. The problem here is that you are just not told anything. Nothing is explained. I didn't know cancer and now I do, so I have questions and they are coming thick and fast. All of which were answered on Wednesday last week when I went in for number 7. I am feeling more relaxed and calm about things now.  I mean I know that I will get the all clear in September but I just needed some reassurance that things were going in the right direction.

So, my mini break from the chemo allowed me to find myself again. It was amazing. I woke up feeling good, no headaches, no sickness, a little tiredness but I can deal with that. NO TEARS THIS ROUND :-)  I managed to go for walks (ok 2 hours still seems to be my limit but hey!). I met friends for coffee and lunches...these are my soul times, I need them. Laugher really is the best tonic and I am so very fortunate to have such amazing friends here. I miss my friends around the world terribly but they keep in contact with me through messages and whatsapps which I love. I feel more equipped now to go into the next 5 rounds, because that is all it is, just 5 more rounds!!!!!!!

So number 7 done and when we got home, Chris dropped me off and he went to park the car. I normally take the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment even with shopping bags or attached to my chemo pack  (I need this small amount of exercise), but this time I was feeling sick and tired so decided to take the lift. Our lift has been playing up recently and people have been getting stuck in it...yep you guessed it, it was my turn!  Unfortunately for me, I manage to get myself stuck in the lift with a someone who obviously suffers from claustrophobia ...FFS!!! I felt rotten, I had just been sick at the clinic and it was very hot still. All I wanted to do was to get indoors and lay down but no, I'm stuck in a lift with an hysterical woman and I mean HYSTERICAL!!!!! So the lift stops at floor 2 and the hysteria begins. She frantically starts pushing the alarm button and shouting out. The lift is not a big space and when there are arms flying around (and she is not a small lady) it becomes increasingly cramped and uncomfortable. I tell her to call the emergency number for the engineers and we then call the president of the building - neither are available. By now my husband is walking up the stairs and I call out to him to let him know I'm ok and he goes off to find the president. Meanwhile hysteria woman is now hyperventilating...shouting in Spanish and completely oblivious that I am attached to my chemo pump. She is talking to me at a thousand words a minute...I just nod "si si" and I'm doing deep breathing because all I want to do is vomit but there really isn't enough space to do this. It's actually quite funny the things that go through your mind when you are confined in a small space without knowing how long you will be there. I had figured out that I could be sick into my rather large handbag as long as I remembered to take out my MAC and hospital notes but there was no room to pee, which I was desperate to do ! Hysteria woman now had taken a break to breathe and looked at the wire which attaches to my port (just beneath my collar bone) into my pump...I explain it's my chemotherapy for my cancer...hysteria returns and she starts frantically making phone calls and shouting out to the neighbours who are now gathering at floor 2. She manages to rip open the lift door but of course, we are only faced with the brick wall and are still trapped. I ask her if she is ok, tell her to calm down and offer her my carton of pineapple juice which I was given at the hospital and I then sit on the lift floor wondering if I would get jail time for battering her across the head with my MAC...diminished responsibility and all that!! Anyway, 25 minutes later, engineers arrive to save us and we climb out of the lift and I continue the 4 floors by foot...leaving the gaggle of hysteria behind me.

So number 7 has been ok ish. I mean, I've felt sick, very sick and extremely tired and suffering with strange bouts of dizziness this time and keep falling over...previously known for falling over but this was due to alcohol....now it's my little old lady legs that give way. Had a bit of a trip up in Mercadonna this week, but thankfully I go when it's just full of old people...so I fit right in! Emotionally I feel that I am in a better place. However, I do feel that I'm changing. I am looking at things in a completely different way. Life is different now and I do feel that it has changed forever. Things that were important in my mind are not now and other things are more urgent. I feel overwhelming calm about everything which is out of character for me as I used to be such a stress head! Because of this calmness though, I am enjoying my life. I do not have the daily anxieties that I suffered before.  Does any of that make sense? No not really but I've given up trying to make any sense of this situation.

So it is now 1 week post treatment and I'm hoping that my body behaves and gives me a few good days so that number 8 can go ahead next Wednesday. Littles are officially on 13 weeks summer holidays and we have lots to look forward to. I have a LOT to look forward to...

A SHORT ENTRY: TREADING WATER

Nobody talks about the mental anguish of cancer and chemotherapy. Why is that? Does it mean you are weak if you announce your fears and anxiety, because people (they mean well) keep telling you "keep you chin up",  "you can do this", "nearly there", "you are so strong/so brave". Well the past few days I have not felt brave, I do not want to keep my head up and although I am half way and number 7 is planned for today, all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and have a complete and utter breakdown. You know the type, the ones that 2 years olds do....Roxy mastered them down to a fine art! I really do not want number 7 today because I know that this time tomorrow I will be retching, crying and holding onto the toilet. My head will feel as though it might explode. I will be unable to touch anything cold, drink only room temperature liquid for 3/4 days in this heat, wont be able to sleep because of the nausea at night then want to sleep all day. I will struggle to walk. I know that I will not get ME back until at least 8/9 days later and even then it is a poor excuse for me!  I want to cry all the time at the moment but I can't. I think right now that if I were to cry, really cry it would not stop. I feel full of tears, full of hurt from this disgusting illness and it's violently invasive treatment. It's invaded my life and I now know that cancer will be part of mine and my family's life forever. I can't accept that right now, it makes me angry. 6 more treatments then wait to see if chemo has got all the cancer, hope it hasn't travelled ...wait to see if I have to do this all over again. Then it's check ups every 3 months...to see if the bastard has stayed away...then 6 monthly...then then then...it goes on and on and on. There will always be a cancer umbrella over me. My girls will always know that there is a possibility that Mummy's cancer might return or it might not have gone...who knows. Nothing to do with positivity it's to do with being realistic. I am being positive and I do think that I'll get the best news in September but I'm also realistic in terms of how unpredictable cancer is. It hurts my heart knowing the littles have this bullshit in their lives. They make little comments like "when you are better Mummy we can do this or that", "next summer Mummy when you are better we can go to the beach, don't worry". Roxy told me the other day that it was ok to die and go to heaven if you are very very old because you have had a good long life... she then looked at me and gave me a hug. Not that they think I'm going to die, but they have their own thoughts and worries going through their little minds. How can a nearly 8 year old process this...why should a 12 year old have this fear when she is already going through her own changes. Growing up should be exciting not feeling fear that your Mummy has cancer. They are too young to have these worries and this makes me angry. How dare cancer come into our lives.

I am treading water on my own life right now. I am trying to keep my head above the waves of the cancer and chemotherapy. Nobody really wants to know the dark side of your mind, the fears you have...the sometimes morbid fears that you face going through this. So, I keep my brave face on and I'm strong for my little family. I keep my chin up and smile most days and find humour even in the dark days. I turn up for my treatments with my full dolly on smiling. I turn up for lunch on my few good days with my friends and I tell them, I'm fine, struggling on, I'll be ok. I don't want to open my flood gates as there is no return from that...right now I feel that I would drown in my own sorrow from all of this. Please don't get me wrong, it is not self pity it is just complete and utter exhaustion from the treatment and the hurt seeing my family going through this journey too.

So number 7 today and I was met with a "happy chemo day Mummy" cheer from Madison this morning. She makes me smile. So that is why, although I want to scream and shout and cry, I wont. If I am strong they feel secure, they see me smile they smile, if I cry they are scared and sad and I don't want that. So off I'll go with my lipgloss on again, see the lovely team at Juaneda and get it done...just get it done Amanda.

LONLEY DAYS AND TRIPPING

So number 6 done and I'm half way. Feel shitty again on this one. Shitty is becoming the norm. The recovery days are becoming longer apart...and although I knew it was accumulative, the side effects, it's taken me by surprise at how unwell I feel at times. To be honest it's the sickness and complete exhaustion which is wearing thin with me. We are now on Thursday and treatment was last Wednesday and today's challenge is to actually leave the house.  I have had a headache which I just can't shift this time and suffered with bad dizziness. I want my energy back. Especially when you have houseguests... my mum and stepfather were here from the UK and I do feel guilty for not getting up and doing much with them, although of course, I know nobody expects anything from me, but I still expect me to be able to do simple tasks, like going for a walk!!! It was good to have my Mum here (she left yesterday), the girls needed some extended family time and they always adore Nanna and Grampy time. Of course they get totally spoilt and rightly so, especially at the moment. Roxy proudly announced the other night that she had, since Friday (Mum's arrival) 9 ice creams!!!!! I might add though, that these are small scoops in a paper cup, so I'm not panicking too much...although she did then announce that she hadn't pooped either !!

Saturday was a write off for me. My mum and stepfather took the littles out shopping and lunch and I spent the day on the bed feeling horrific. The tears came again on Saturday. I just couldn't make myself feel better no matter what I tried. The heat is also not helping and it's only going to get hotter over the next few weeks. The chemo side effects are so overwhelming at times, they rage through your body with an anger. They are angrily attacking my body and I can feel each attack. Walking was not easy again because of the bloody neuropathy and the nausea was just vile. All in all Saturday was shit but I did manage to prepare a good evening meal for us and it was nice to have a houseful of family.  Sunday I still feel rotten but I get myself together so we can enjoy a gorgeous family lunch in the sunshine next to the sea. It's nice to be out. A little wobbly on my old lady legs but I manage it. Of course, Monday is another write off because I spent too long out on the Sunday but it was worth it. Since the weekend all I have done really is sleep. Lots of sleeping. Such a lonely existence this illness. Don't get me wrong, I am SURROUNDED by so much love, I have the best family and friends supporting me, I am totally blessed, but I am lonely. It's hard to describe really. You spend so much time on your own because you are not fully up for going out and socialising whilst the rest of the world continues. life continues as it should, the littles get up and go to school, Chris goes to work...everything continues but me.  Then there are the long nights when you can not sleep because of the anti sickness meds. What do you do in those long dark hours alone with your thoughts... well you surf the net, play Candy Crush and hope eventually that you go back to sleep. Nobody can really understand the confinement of cancer/chemotherapy until they have lived and breathed it. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's purely another observation and a fact of my life right now.

Another funny little side effect, although painful, is my lack of space awareness. The past few days I seem to be bumping into things. At the weekend I bent down in the kitchen to take something out of the cupboard and head butted the marble work surface, not sure who was more shocked, me or Scruffy as I shouted out WTF and then proceeded to tell myself off for being an idiot...and yesterday I walked fully into my bedroom doorframe and cracked my shoulder. Seriously, what is that all about then, like I need anymore side effects that can cause me harm, what with the wobbly old lady legs that give way at any given minute, cranky stiff old lady hands which drop things because of the neuropathy, chemo Dora brain which cause me to forget things in the oven, actually just forget everything AND now this...I should have a sign above my head saying "approach at your own risk"!! I feel like a 90 year old in a 44 year old's body!!

So, in true Coleman style, with the downs come the ups and funny bits. I thought long and hard about sharing this experience with you all and to be fair, I've been so honest about everything else (I refer to Johnny Fart Pants blog), so why not...

So, I had read somewhere that there is this 'special oil', you know the one thats featured in tabloid front pages, all over the alternative health Facebook pages...the oil that helps cancer patients...yes that oil!!! Well, I managed to find some here and was excited to try it and hoped it would make the side effects more tolerable. Obviously, it did not come with instructions or dosage but I thought to myself, it's natural and supposed to help so I took a healthy "drop" and thought nothing of it. This was at about 4pm. At 1030pm I said to Chris, "you know, I don't feel so good". He thought maybe it was the Indian take away that I had just demolished which was very unlike me as it was the first time in days that I had felt like eating and not throwing it up afterwards. I thought nothing of it as I rammed bread into my mouth telling him how great it was. I don't eat bread!!  I felt really distant and heady. Tried to walk to my bedroom and it felt like such an effort. I was very warm and my head started to feel dizzy. I think I must have put myself into panic mode as my heart started to race and I was convinced that this was my time. OH MY GOD, this is it, I thought to myself, I am actually going to die in my bedroom. I mean you hear stories about people having a bad reaction to chemotherapy and I really thought that was it. It was the night before my biggest little's birthday beach picnic and her birthday was on the Sunday and all I could think was, fuck, I'm going to die on Madi's birthday weekend. The panic just overtook my body. I had an out of body experience and then I passed out on my bedroom floor. It was about 1130pm by now and as it was the weekend the au pair was not home, so poor Chris had to wake the littles so that we could go to the Emergency Room. He helps me to the front door as by now I am hardly able to walk, nothing is making sense in my head and I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself. I pass out again at the front door and a half asleep Roxy standing there in her pyjamas sees it. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through their little minds seeing Mummy like this. We manage to get in the car and to Clinica Juaneda where again, I slump on the floor in the admissions. This is my treatment clinic, so they have my notes on file there and I'm taken straight through. It's horrific, I feel horrific, I do not know why I am there, I feel confused and scared. I'm put in a room on a trolley bed in full view of other patients in the hallway. I start to throw up in the bin. My poor babies seeing their Mummy laying there...they don't cry now they just stare at me with their big wide eyes, trying to take it all in. Chris takes them to the waiting room so that I can have my blood tests and heart monitored. I remember laying there and feeling fear...absolute fear that I wasn't going to leave that room, fear that my girl's lasting memory would be of me on a hospital trolley in my PJ's and dying.  The doctor talks with Chris and Chris informs her of the oil. We wait for an hour for the blood results to come back. I'm convinced by now that I am falling off of the hospital trolley bed and keep asking Chris to help me. I feel like I am drifting in and out of myself, it's a very surreal experience. The results of heart and bloods are all clear...really good in fact. The doctor comes and looks at me with a smile on her face and says in a very calm, reassuring voice "Amanda, you are just stoned, very stoned. You should feel better in a few hours"!!! She then tells me to speak to my doctor about having 'the oil' on a prescription so I know the correct dosage. We have to wait at reception for my notes to be printed off and they ask "so how you feeling now Mrs Coleman" with a smile. Seriously, I'm so embarrassed. I'll be forever known as the 44 year old mother of 2 with colon cancer that got well and truly stoned. Thankfully it was only that, obviously I can't wipe away that night from the little's memory but we will when they are older explain what really happened on that night to silly old Mummy. Really, you couldn't make this stuff up...this journey although painful is also providing us with some lasting memories that also make us smile alongside the tears. All I need to do now is stop Chris from calling me Cheech all the time.


If laughter is medicine and the cure to all....I have absolutely nothing to worry about!!

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2015/04/15/the-us-finally-admits-cannabis-kills-cancer-cells

NUMBER 5: HIGH HEELS AND BATHROOM CRAWLING

The Chinese hold 5 as a lucky number and it is associated with the five elements Water, Fire, Earth, Wood, and Metal. For me, number 5 is purely associated with two elements - Exhaustion and Nausea!!!

Well number 5...this has been the worst one yet and I have 7 more to go!!! The nausea has been horrific, never known anything like it. The violence of the dry retching can only be likened to a scene out of The Exorcist!!! Even the anti nausea tablets didn't really help this time round. Then the vomiting started...power eating my way through this round of chemo has not been an option. I want to eat all my healthy powerful foods but when I do, I feel terrible after 20 minutes of finishing and then have to rush to the bathroom. I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth, my head has hurt every day since the chemo (which is now 9 days ago) and I feel dizzy and exhausted. Strange things have also been happening with my legs...some days they just don't work as they should and I end up shuffling like a little old lady or they just give way completely. Great, wobbly legs to go with my little old lady hands!!!! I'm finding baths are my best friend (very similar to when I was pregnant and full of morning sickness with Madi) and being in water seems to soothe my body and helps with the nausea. Admittedly I end up staying in there for too long, have it way too hot, which in turn then zaps my energy and I struggle to get out of the damn thing....also doesn't help that my 10 kilo kitten insists on trying to share my baths and then lays on the bathmat which I then have to navigate stepping over on my way out because of course, fat cat doesn't move and often swipes at my ankles just to make the exit even more interesting ! 

Soooooo, I finally succumbed and had my hair cut to chin length, I like it, although I do prefer my lovely long hair but to be honest, it had gotten thin and ragged looking and now it looks way healthier than it did. Don't get me wrong, my hair like me, still struggles on a daily basis but it remains there and I respect it for staying with me along this ridiculous journey. I'm not sure how I made it to the salon last Saturday if I am honest. I woke up feeling HORRENDOUS, but I had to get there as Madi had been gifted 2 tickets to see Swan Lake at the Palma Auditorium for her birthday by my friend Lucy. Such a beautiful and thoughtful gift from her for my girl and I wanted to look great on Saturday night and feel 'normal' for a few hours.  Madi was so excited, she had her outfit ready and we were going to have a Mummy/Madi night out. So the goal for Saturday was hairdressers for me, football/lunch for Chris and then home so I could sleep and feel well enough for the ballet. Roxy was out all day at her friend's house with a trip to Pirates and a sleep over - so she was covered (thank you Debbie). We managed it all. I felt terrible the whole day, but went to bed thinking a sleep will make it all better. I didn't even need the alarm that I had set for myself. It was if the nausea truck had driven straight into me - BOOOOOOOM there you go, have another round of this. You have plans to go out with your daughter HAHAHAHA, we don't think so...Chris finds me on my hands and knees in a dark bathroom over the toilet, holding onto it, sobbing into it, throwing up uncontrollably. I feel like a cancer patient for the very first time. My body is raging with pain and sickness. My legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach is on fire from the retching. Thankfully only Chris sees me as Madi is happily oblivious in her bedroom getting ready for her big night out. Chris says lovingly that he will take her. I angrily tell him that I will do this, I am not angry at him, I'm angry at the mess that I am in. He gets me water and tells me I have 45 minutes to get myself ready and that he will take Madi out for a walk and meet me downstairs. 

Never underestimate the power of a mother's love, make-up & lots of hairspray! Somehow I manage to scrape myself off the bathroom floor and into a little black dress and killer heels . I meet them downstairs and Madi tells me how wonderful I look, she is non the wiser and off we go to make a beautiful memory together. It was truly a stunning performance from the Moscow Ballet Company. We sit and hold hands all the way through it, she munches on the sweets we bought, whilst I secretly do deep breathing to stop myself from being sick. 

So the week pretty much repeats itself like that...exhaustion, nausea, vomit, repeat. Tomorrow is the birthday girl's big beach party and I've made the goodie bags, the games are planned and my gorgeous au pair has sat and made/decorated 50 cupcakes for her. All I need now is for my body to behave and to function normally for a few hours. Not too much to ask.

So Wednesday is round 6. Which is half way. Half way to being better. Half way to getting ME back, wife back, Mummy back. Half way is good, although if number 5 is an indicator of how tough it's going to get then I 'd better get myself some bigger Big Girl Pants!!!!!!!

INTERLUDE: THE SMALLEST ONE - THE CONVERSATION I DIDN'T PLAN FOR!!

So Roxy and I were in our favourite position tonight, the same position we have been in for the past 7 years of her life...her firmly attached to me. The location of this attachment doesn't really matter, if I am there, she will be firmly attached to me. She is getting better but for years she has been a terribly shy little girl and needs her Mummy at least in view, but preferably with one part of her anatomy glued to me. Roxy was born totally deaf...well she had 10% hearing in one ear we were told and we only found this out when she had started school and was just 3.5 years and suffered with awful bronchitis and then she progressed to pneumonia with hospital stays. Anyway, when we eventually found out she was deaf, they operated and thankful we are at 90% hearing now and with very occasional chest infections. We think a lot of her shyness came from the early years of not being able to hear, but she has transformed from this shy little girl to an outgoing, deeply humorous (very black humour I might add) and a truly loving little girl. She knows that I have been in hospital and she knows that Mummy had an operation and was poorly and she thinks that my chemo port on my chest is my magic button. She understands that I go in every 2 weeks and will ask "oh is it your bag day today?" We never told her the word cancer, mainly because we thought at 7 she just wouldn't understand or be able to process it all.

Tonight that all changed. So we are in our favourite position, attached to each other on the sofa, and out of the blue, she turns to me and asks "Mummy, why did you suddenly go into hospital and stay there for a few days", "well baby, you know Mummy had to have an operation to remove a lump in my tummy", "what sort of lump was it", a tumour I tell her. She does not understand what a tumour is, so I tell her it is lump that grew inside my tubes where all the food is processed and that lump grew badly and had to come out, along with some of the tube (intestines). She looks at me and I can see she is really thinking...I was not expecting this and feel a little panicked if I am honest. "Ok, so the bad lump came out and why do you have the medicine going into your magic button, what is it?" I bite the bullet. She will be 8 in September and not the baby I still hold the image of in my head - ok, she will always be my baby but she is growing up and has her own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Well the medicine is called chemotherapy and they give it to people who have something called cancer. She interrupts me "oh, but Mummy, people, well people with ....".  She doesn't finish her sentence, so I ask her what she wants to say to me, she replies "people die from cancer...are you going to die Mummy?" She buries her head into my chest and clings on to me. No tears from her, I fight back my tears. How does my little girl know about cancer and what it can mean??? I can only be honest from here, so I tell her that yes, some people do die from cancer but a lot of people get better and I had very very big plans on getting better. She doesn't talk anymore, she just holds onto me. I put her to bed and we lay together not speaking. She holds my face a lot and just looks at me with those big brown eyes of her...we've always had this kind of connection Roxy and I. We look at each other, she takes her mummy bunny (her sleep comfort that she has had from birth) and wipes it on my neck so she can smell me when she sleeps. I tell her that she must speak to me about any worries or any questions that she might have. She reassures me she will and then closes her eyes.

It has been a pretty tough 48 hours in our house with the littles and conversations. Number 5 chemo is also being pretty tough on me too. We will get through it, I have no doubt about that. I can't help but worry about my littles, we all worry about our littles even during 'normal' times. For the first time, I had a little panic feeling in my stomach tonight...what if (there is the bloody what ifs again)...what if ...!!!

MY BIG LITTLE GIRL

So number 5 chemo was very important to me. You see it's my big little girl's birthday on 24th May - Madison will be 12. I have to plan everything around my chemo sessions, so because we thought number 5 would have been last week, we planned for her birthday party to be this coming Saturday ... of course, that all went tits up when last weeks chemo was cancelled due to low platelets, so we moved it forward to Saturday 23rd May and just kept our fingers crossed that the chemo went ahead today so that next week I'll feel good again for her beach picnic. So I am VERY thankful to be sat here in oncology attached to the usual two bags with the beeping machine.

Madi is a special little being. She is truly beautiful inside and out. Life didn't start too beautiful for her, she was just over two weeks late, induced and they had to use forceps and ventouse to remove her from her safe little cave, she obviously just felt very comfortable there and was in no rush to leave!! She was a funny looking baby, ok a forced delivery didn't help matters and she sported a cone shaped head for a while, along with forcep marks and being extremely long in length with no hair, she really was a bizarre looking baby. Chris said she looked like a golf club as her feet were enormous at the end of her never ending legs!  I made her wear hats for the first 12 months as there was little sign of hair and she only got her first tooth at nearly 8 months old! She was and still is an easy child. She was a very happy contented baby and showing a strong creative mind from a very young age... I would often find her with strange bags & buckets on her head, this progressed to fully designed outfits with accompanying floor show (much to the delight of many of our au pairs) to her unique taste in clothes now. She is effortlessly stylish and in my humble opinion, just stunning to watch and look at. She is kind & caring and has an amazing empathy about her.

Our relationship is being tested right now. She is going through the usual changes that most nearly 12 year olds go through and on top of that her Mummy has cancer. We have the usual ups/downs/moods that accompany most pre-teenies, we chat when she allows me about body changes and how she is turning into a young woman...these conversations are often quickly changed and we go back to talking about ballet and school. We do not talk about my cancer. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just changes the subject or gives me an awkward look. She was angry and hurt when Chris and I sat her down, told her I had it and would be having chemotherapy. I could see her safe world was momentarily destroyed. She cried so hard, that I felt my heart hurting on that night. We had another heart hurting moment last night. You see Madi hasn't told any of her friends or anyone that her Mum has cancer, this is completely her right and although we have tried to talk to her about this, the response is always the same "I don't know, I just don't want to". So occasionally, I bump into her friends parents or as in last night's case, a grandfather and we talk and it comes out that I am having chemo and I tell them why. I could see he was shocked and didn't really know what to say, this I am ok with, it's a normal reaction. I told Madi I had told him and she looked at me as though she was a bit pissed off. I ask her again, why did she not tell anyone...is she embarrassed? I want to understand how my big little girl is feeling, what is going on in her head, why wont she speak to me...to anyone! We exchange some words and both end up in floods of tears...big tears, she is sobbing, I feel awful that I have made her cry, we hold each other very tightly and I say sorry to her. I am so sorry that we are in this revolting situation, that cancer has dared to come into our family. I want her to open up to me, but I can't force this can I? I have to accept and respect that this is her way of dealing with it but I can't help but feel like I'm knocking on her door but she wont answer me, she won't let her Mummy in and this makes me so sad...I do not want her to feel alone in this journey, because we are all on this journey together, all four of us.

So in the meantime, we plan for next Saturday, we will celebrate our gorgeous girl's 12th birthday on a sunny beach here in Mallorca with all of her friends and their parents and hopefully next Saturday I'll be fully in the 'good' cycle and can at least be a normal mum on her special day and as the Urban Dictionary quite rightly quotes:

Madison ~ An amazing, beautiful, intelligent and simply perfect girl. Madisons are perfect friends. Madisons are great dancers, and can do anything they set their mind to. Madisons will do anything for their friends and will always be there for them no matter what. They are perfect in every way.

I am so very proud to be your Mummy 

INTERLUDE: THE HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH so no bloody chemo session number 5 for me today as my white blood cells are unbelievably low. I kind of knew this going in there today as I had been feeling so exhausted the past week or so. Uff. I now have to wait until next Wednesday. This is not acceptable. I have to plan my life, my family's life around this ridiculous illness anyway and it is Madion's birthday coming up and I had to bring it a week forward as it was and now the whole time plan is out of sync. I am so angry. I had a complete Verruca Salt moment at the oncology department this afternoon, eyes filled with angry tears after they told me and had to physically stop myself from stamping my feet in frustration!!!!! Is it not enough that I have to endure this shitty cancer and the treatment that goes with it. I do it without complaining and with grace most of the time, the least it can do is respect me and my family.

There is not much I can do for a low white blood count. I have to wait. Normal range is between 150-450 and mine at round 4 (2 weeks ago) was 108 and today it is 74. According to Google, when you have a low white blood count you must not do any dangerous full contact sport, so no cage fighting for me this week - although I feel as though I could go head to head with myself right now - I feel disappointed, angry and frustrated with myself, although I know it is the one thing I have no control over and that frustrates the hell out of me.

OK rant over. Come on you Whites, we need a back of the net moment next week !!!!!

ROUND 4: PRAWNS, TEARS & DORA BRAIN

Round 4 went very well, surprisingly well. I had minimal side effects apart from the bloody neuropathy and tiredness, both of which are rocketing to a new level. I seem to have no control of my hands, they do as they please on treatment days and a couple of days after. I was talking to Madi and she said "Oh Mummy look at your hands" and we both stood there and stared at how my thumb had somehow managed to get stuck over the index finger and the ring finger was over the top of my pinky and I hadn't felt a thing!!  I'll be typing and all of a sudden they will just stop working and freeze into the most bizarre positions and I have to gently knock them on the table to try and get them back into a normal position, same will happen when I have a knife in my hand much to the alarm of my family... my husband often shouts out "I'll cut that"! much to the relief of the littles. I've dropped/smashed glasses, things slip from my fingers and generally it is hit and miss on them functioning properly around this time. The same for my toes, they have started acting strange, along with my calf muscles that give up at the most inopportune moment, ...like getting up to go to the toilet in the night - I end up shuffling like an old lady to the bathroom and these spasms hurt at times, BUT apart from that and the incredible tiredness, it has been ok ish. 

Another interesting side effect is the chemo brain. Now the majority of chemotherapy patients will understand what this is. Basically you forget everything. You have the attention span of Dora from Finding Nemo and the inability to do anything in a logical order. For example a day last week: I started to clear the kitchen, got distracted and went to talk to Roxy in her bedroom - the au pair then found a tea strainer and spoon on Roxy's shelf. I then decided that I would clear out Roxy's wardrobe of her old clothes and sell on my chocolate crocodile facebook page - piled up the clothes on my bedroom floor - decided to go make lunch - got distracted by phone call - forgot lunch - went back to pile of clothes to take photos and upload onto FB - shit LUNCH, rush back and finish that in time for the littles to get home from school - stood in kitchen and couldn't remember what I was doing in their first thing, AH YES clearing the dishwasher. This cycle continues on a daily basis. I forget words, everyday words and replace them with quite random words MUCH to the amusement of my children. I find myself now stopping mid sentence and struggling to find the right word to use which is annoying the hell out of me. I've developed a slight stutter in these situations whilst I am frantically searching my cloudy brain for the word. I've even gone to Mercadona with Madison and stood there and asked her why I'm there! Sooooo, it should come as no surprise then that I managed to give Chris and I food poisoning on the Sunday night. Gorgeous salad with prawns, I proudly announce to him. Did I notice that the prawns required cooking, no of course not, logic in my brain did not realise that because of their slight grey opaque appearance that I should have cooked them before use. As I was eating it, I thought to myself, these prawns taste different... OMG Chris they are raw!!!!!! Panic sets in, I can't get food poisoning, my reduced colon can't cope with this, nor can my decreased platelets (yes blood platelets are down this time round). So I prepare myself for the worst. Chris on the other hand seems not too bothered by this. To be honest, that guy does have the constitution of an ox, he can eat things which would send most of us on a bathroom holiday for days! Prawns are full of bacteria and it can take 2/3 days before you feel the full effects of the poisoning but within 2 hours I am firmly in the bathroom,  a few more trips in the night and by Monday morning I am feeling OKish. Chris has full blown food poisoning by Monday, poor guy both ends. He suffers for a couple of days. He groans at me that he knows now how I feel after my treatments...not a bad thing to experience it for a couple of days I guess (sniggers slightly like a wicked witch). I'm sure the only reason I got away so lightly is because I am so full of poison myself that the prawn bacteria had no chance...a bit like the mosquito that feasted on me the other night...didn't hear that f*&ker buzzing again!!! Maybe I can rent myself out as a mosquito repellent this summer.

So I manage lots of lovely things on this cycle and we have things to celebrate. My warrior child Madi got a distinction in her ballet exam even though she had full blown flu and a raging temperature and Roxy got a distinction in her exam and came joint top of her class. Super proud Mummy moment.  I attend a great workshop about juicing, I meet friends for coffees,  birthday lunches, shopping, lots of valuable family time,  have Madi's friend stay over and even manage to help a friend move some things into her new house. I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are doing fantastic things for me. I feel very loved and looked after. So why the tears? So many tears this time. So emotional. I find myself crying in the strangest situations, for example, walking to Santa Catalina to meet my friend to go to the juicing workshop last week. OK admittedly I'd had a bad night of being up feeling sick and struggling to sleep but I was so looking forward to meeting up with some girlies and going, but on the walk over there (20 minutes from my house) I find myself suddenly welling up and a face full of hot tears?????? This happens all week. I feel completely overwhelmed with these waves of sadness. I was in Corte Ingles shopping and to be honest, I had probably over done it and been out of the house for too long, the tiredness hit me, I suddenly panicked as to how I would get home and home is only a 15 minute walk. Again the tears, but this time I know they were out of frustration at the ridiculousness of all of this and the loss of my energy. I somehow make it home but completely wiped out.  I cry at home when I look at the girls. I picked up Roxy to give her a big Mummy hug and we snuggle into each others necks and as I smell her, I can feel those bloody hot tears again...I can't stop them.  I have a moment with Chris this weekend (girls were in bed), we talk about what if the Trevor comes back, what if I get the all clear in September but then it comes back. What if, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF - I hate the what ifs. I am positive and I know that I'm beating this but you can't help occasionally with the what ifs because non of us know what the future has in store for us, I guess it's how we deal with these what ifs that makes the difference. 

So, number 5 this week. I am as always ready for it. Not wanting it but ready for it. Nearing the half way mark which will require some sort of celebratory moment I feel. Well the half way mark falls on Madison's 12th birthday week. Two fantastic reasons to celebrate. So in the meantime, I shall....

CHEMO & VANITY

I truly believe that all woman care about their appearance regardless of what some magazine articles will lead us to believe - you know the articles, the ones that start with "I'm happy in my own body", "I don't need make-up to feel empowered" - you know, those sorts of articles. Yes I know that some woman obsess/worry about their appearance more than others, but essentially I do believe that each of us girls like to try and look our best and to feel our best. Just my opinion.

I will put it out there, I have always been a worrier about my appearance, my weight, my hair...does that make me vain? Does that make me shallow? Probably in some people's eyes but for me it was more deep rooted than that. I wanted to feel accepted and thus in turn made me obsessed with how I appeared to others. I had a terrible eating disorder for many years and that only really went once I had my first child ironically during pregnancy! I spent hours in the gym and hundreds of pounds on hairdressers appointments, nails, tans, clothes. Did it make me happier...looking back now, no not really but I did it. Nowadays, I use only natural products on my skin (almond & coconut oil), hairdressers is every few months rather than weekly (yes, really I was there weekly!!) and I enjoy the freedom of living in Mallorca where I do not really worry about the most up to date fashion and revel in the fact that Havaianas, shorts and a bikini will see me through a good 6 months of the year along with my trusted Gap jeans that I purchased 10 years ago! Also being a full time working mum, I have mastered the art of 10 minute make-up!! I still like to look good but I do it on a budget now and it's less time consuming.

So when I was told I had cancer and required chemotherapy, one of my thoughts was how will this affect me not only physically & mentally but how will it change the way I look.

Chemotherapy makes you believe you look rotten. Indeed it does affect your outer appearance along with the mental & physical changes that it also afflicts on you. So far I still have my hair but then with my particular chemotherapy I was told that I would possibly not lose it, it would just thin and I might lose it towards the end of my sessions or I might not...so far it has just thinned, I have noticed this a lot after chemo number 3. A few hairs fall out on a daily basis as they do for everyone but they are not replenished. So my hair is becoming thinner and it is very dry. I love/loved my hair...I'm a Leo and our hair is supposed to be our shinning glory and although I am thankful that it is still here, I do look at it each day and notice the small changes. I thought I might completely freak out with the thought of losing my hair but I guess some things become less important...am toying with the idea of just having it cut very short to give it some strength and if it does decide to take a vacation from my head, what a perfect excuse to invest in beautiful scarves and hats! Recently my hair has started to hurt, this is a strange one. Usually directly after treatment if I touch my hair it hurts, the ends/roots hurt/tingle. Most bizarre sensation. It is almost as if I can feel my hair fighting to hang on...or maybe it is hanging on due to the amount of hairspray that I am using :-)

We all know that our skin is the largest waste removal system but it appears that the majority of my body's poisonous waste is trying to escape through my face...I have never been one to suffer with spots but am now the proud owner of pimples, spots and the occasional black head - how very delightful that I am regressing to teenage hood!! Of course being a woman, one can cover these delights with make-up, but I know they are there, lurking in the background. I also feel the need to shower A LOT! I feel dirty (and not in a Christina Aguilera sexy way!!). When I am having treatment and the days immediately after, I smell like chemicals, even my girls have mentioned that I smell strange, not the usual 'mummy' smell that they love and so I have this over whelming urge to shower and bath as much as is physically possible - which is not easy when you have an intravenous drip coming out of your chest into a bag that you are carrying around!!  Really not looking forward to the hot summer months, can only imagine how the combination of unbelievable heat and chemicals will make me feel and bearing in mind, because of the neuropathy I will not be able to have cool showers or baths...the joy.

I have mentioned before my little old lady hands. Not only because of the neuropathy but the skin has become very thin, a little baggy and they have wrinkled slightly plus my nails are paper thin and although they grow they tear off very easily. I cut them ever other day very short to give them strength and paint them to try and make them look pretty but my hands have aged over night. When I look at them I imagine how my face would look if it aged as quickly. A scary thought. Thankfully I seem to have only spots no wrinkles yet...small mercies.

Of course, all of these things are so insignificant compared to the overall picture. I know this. I am not obsessing about these minor issues merely observing the daily changes to my appearance and how my body is reacting to trying to rid me of the chemotherapy drugs.  People when I meet them always comment on 'how well I look' which is great as it means I do not look sick or even as though I am having chemotherapy, but, I know myself and I see the changes little by little. I have to accept these changes for now but I do look forward to my hair growing big and strong again, also for my face to be clear. Is it ok to want to look good even during chemotherapy treatment? Yes I believe it is. It does not mean that my looks are more important than my recovery, of course it doesn't, it just means I am trying to hang on to a little bit of me, a little bit of the woman I know when I look in the mirror and if by getting up every day and getting my 'dolly' on to make me feel better then so be it.

So here I sit, with my hair done and full make-up on. I am wearing my favourite perfume, the one that I used to save for special occasions but today is a special occasion as it is round 4 of 12. I'm third of the way through my treatment.  

As Coco Chanel said ~ A Woman Who Doesn't Wear Perfume Has No Future. I intend on getting through a lot of perfume over the next few months...

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

9 weeks ago I fell down a rabbit hole. Only 9 weeks ago. How can life change so dramatically in 9 weeks? In that time I've had surgery, found out I have stage IIIb colon cancer and finished 3 rounds of chemotherapy. 

The impact that this has on your life, your family & your friends is phenomenal. Everything changes...everything changes.

I started this journey a little blasé if I were to be completely honest. I didn't  know cancer, I knew it can kill, I knew that you can survive it. I had only known one other person to have it. I didn't know anything about staging, that it can travel/spread, secondary cancers. I knew nothing of chemotherapy that there are even different types of it. I knew nothing! I have now read, joined groups and become a statistic. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH how can this of happened to me...us!!!!!! I am not saying that my life is now engulfed with cancer, but as the weeks go on, it is more and more in my/our life. Everyday it is present there is now no escaping it. The chemotherapy is becoming harder, the side effects are getting a little stronger each time. I fight them but can feel them raging through my body. I feel like there are days that I lose touch with reality. I miss getting up and going to work. I miss that routine of taking the girls to school, gossipping with them on the way and then going to work. I miss complaining about emptying the dishwasher at work and I miss the normalness of being with other people everyday. I miss being busy. I miss the gym, rushing from work to the supermarket, then home to make dinner. I miss the spontaneous meetings of friends for a drink after work, I miss the trips with hubby to take the girls to ballet and stop off for a glass of vino and catch up after a long week. This has all been replaced with fortnightly trips to the oncology department, fortnightly trips to the government doctor so I can be signed off sick, lazy days after chemo and afternoon siestas. Plans are made, plans are cancelled. Everything relies on how well I am feeling. I miss ME.

Round III of chemo last week was going so well. I felt a little sick, a little tired but overall really good considering and by Friday I was almost bragging at how well I felt. You see that is the problem with bragging, it bites your arse...Friday afternoon at the clinic to be 'unhooked' and found out that there was still half a bag of treatment left...NO NO NO, I could not face having to go home and still be attached to that bloody bag/pump with that WHOOSHING noise which actually makes me feel sick now...I know it is only a mental thing but still, the sound now revolts me and I still have 9 rounds to go.  They tell me that I can be 'speed' pumped in about 2 hours, so there I stay to finish it off. I feel terrible by the time I get home, spaced out and a little incoherent by the time I go to bed. The weekend is utterly disgusting. I feel terrible. Chris works all of Saturday and I have both girls with me. It is a struggle. They are not a struggle, they are never a struggle,  it is me... I feel so sick, so useless, so exhausted but I cook and I bake buns for them. Keeping busy, letting them see me busy, being 'normal' is important BUT I am not being normal am I? It is just an act this weekend. Chris hugs me when he is home. I cry, I really cry not as in wailing out loud cry but buckets of big hot tears and these tears hurt my eyes because the neuropathy has gone through the roof and is now affecting my eyes and mouth as well as my fingers. We have a group hug. I feel pain/guilt because I cry so openly in front of them but they seem unfazed by it, maybe because we are coping so well and they only see strength normally they are not scared that Mummy might need to have a cry because she feels unwell and trying to get better. Chris reassures me it is ok for them to see and we return to our weekend. I hold it all in, I keep it together. 

If you were to ask me how I am feeling right now, I would say distant. I feel removed from me. If I stand over the rabbit hole entrance I can see me falling there...I am still nearer the top of the hole than the bottom but, nevertheless, I am in the hole. Am I scared? No I am not scared, not once since this all started have I been scared but I am bored with it...already, I am so bored with it all. Mentally I think I have it under control most of the time but this weekend I just wanted it to be done, to be over with. I am in pain, I feel sick, I feel exhausted and I guess maybe feeling a little sorry for myself and that annoys me. Self pity gets your nowhere, but I feel very emotional right now. I know that everything is going to be ok but I want that ok to be now. I feel like I am standing on the outside of my life looking in, watching it, it is very surreal. I feel like I am in limbo. I want to do normal everyday things but normal everyday things after the chemo sessions are totally debilitating at times. A simple walk out to the shops is exhausting. Getting up to have breakfast or to be with the girls before school at times is hard...my need to be with them far outweighs any desire to just stay in bed but it's tough. I feel guilty that I am putting my family through this. I feel embarrassed  that that I rely on my au pair to help me so much during these difficult days (I am eternally grateful that I have her in our life right now). Some days I feel like I am a prisoner in myself. Some days it is SUCH an effort to put a smile on my face and sometimes I wonder if you can see I am faking it. If I push myself then I just end up feeling terrible the next day and I am supposed to be making myself better and resting so that I build my strength for the next chemo session. I feel useless. I feel a little broken. I don't want to be a broken mummy or wife, I want me back and to do this I have to go through this whole bitter process. Yes I know I need to take myself off and have a word...get a grip Amanda you can do this. Yes I know all this but right now, here right now, I am having a momentary wobble. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a better day and my big girl pants will be back on and I will be back on track to climbing out of that rabbit hole...

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL

Wow what an amazing 7 days. I have felt fabulous since last Wednesday. So it seems to be the pattern of 7 bad days 7 good. I can take that. Obviously chemotherapy and it's side effects are totally unpredictable and the second session's bad days did extend by a day this time but HEY I can work with 7 off 7 on!! I truly appreciate feeling well now and when this is all finished, I will not take my health for granted again, not that I really did before but I think I am more aware now of what my body requires and I have become slightly power food obsessed, although chocolate does seem to find it's way in occasionally as does the odd glass of Rose wine on my good days - well I have to live a little (well obviously I want to live a lot but you know what I mean!!). 

Girls broke up for the Easter holidays on the Wednesday and I had an invitation to go to 10 year anniversary drinks for a friends business in Santa Catalina. I knew there would be several familiar faces there and people that I had only spoken to through Facebook. Although slightly anxious as I have not been out to a gathering since being diagnosed, I knew it would be good to 'get out there' and speak to people and put some faces to names. We went as a family and to be honest, I felt slightly safer going in numbers!  I have always been anxious going out and meeting new people, even used to feel anxious going out just meeting friends in large groups, obviously not many people know this if any to be honest apart from my husband and closest friends. I was incredibly insecure and would combat this by talking too much, drinking too much and becoming a total extrovert when actually inside I just wanted to go back inside myself to my 'safe' cave. Funny really as everyone thinks I am so outgoing and confident.  ANYWAY, it was a lovely couple of hours being out, talking to friends and making new ones, feeling 'normal' ish and I even managed a glass of wine. Yay.

Cancer I have found out is either a conversation killer or that is all people want to talk about. The problem is I do not see myself as different now or even that there is anything wrong. I see myself as a chemotherapy patient if anything. So when you see someone that you have not seen for a while, they usually start the conversation with a slightly surprised "oh you are looking so well" which of course is always nice to hear but you can sense that they expected you to look terrible or at least a little unwell, however they are just generally happy to see you looking good.  With this particular chemotherapy you do not usually lose your hair, although I have had mine cut a little shorter as Folfox does cause hair thinning, I still have it all (thankfully) and normally I have made an effort and have a full face of war paint on. Then you are asked how you are...how do you answer that honestly without boring the absolute pants off them or reducing them to tears! So I have found myself saying "I am really well actually" which in essence is the truth because by the time I am out being with people, I usually am feeling really well. You then sometimes get the arm rub/stroke...very similar to when you are pregnant and people touch your bump...with cancer seems to come an arm touch and a sideways look when asked how you are. Although this is usually from people who you do not see very often. A good/close friend normally just embraces you in a massive bear hug and showers you with kisses if they have not seen you for a while then asks how you are :-) The brave and bold ask those questions that others dare not to, for example I was recently asked if it is terminal and then how do I feel about having cancer or how is it I still have my hair...these kind of people I like...straight to the point and we then move on to more interesting conversations. Some people simply do not know what to say...and why should they and to be honest I never expect anyone to say anything...I have cancer I am not cancer and am the same person I have always been so please do not worry about the 'right' words.  I do truly appreciate people's concerns and the previous comments are observations and in no way a criticism to anyone. 

Thursday 2nd & Friday 3rd was more time with friends. Thursday  was a lovely day spent in a local park in the sunshine with some friends and their littles having a picnic. The only problem is that I have become heat/sun sensitive due to the chemotherapy which is a bit of a bind seeing as I live in Mallorca and the summer months are about to hit us AND I love the sunshine, any opportunity to get naked and a tan and I'm there!  Factor 50 and BIG hats are the way forward this summer and Chris says he has a solution for the beach ...knowing my husband it will consist of poles and covers (he works in the yacht scaffolding and coverings industry). He will no doubt construct something quite remarkable and worthy of a CIBSE building award !!  Friday Madi was off out with friends as usual and Roxy and I went to the cinema to see Cinderella, to be honest I think I enjoyed it her more than her. There was only the four of us there and we decided to sit right at the back in the middle. The little girl in me loves Cinderalla, the beautiful girl, the prince charming, rags to riches and just the magic of it all.  There was a moment in the film when Cinderalla's mother dies and Roxy turned to me with those big brown eyes and said "oh her Mummy died", she gave my hand a squeeze and we continued to watch the film holding hands. Not sure what she meant by that, or even what she understands. We walk home from Ocimax to our house as it is only a 30 minute walk (little legs doesn't do quick) and talk all the way about making hot cross buns and what outfit she would wear that evening to our friends Candice & Jason's leaving do.

Bitter sweet saying goodbye to Candice. For those that know this family you will understand why and for those who don't, this gorgeous family lost their daughter to mitochondria just before her 4th birthday 4 years ago. I am so unbelievably proud of them, what they have overcome. They are moving back to the UK and have so much to look forward to. Seeing them all happy after everything that has happened makes my heart warm. Nice to see some familiar faces again, lots of laughs and a bit of a dance. Was exhausted by 11pm though...so rock n roll nowadays! We say our goodbyes, she cries and I fight back the tears.

Gorgeous Saturday with my littles. I make them breakfast in bed of warm homemade hot cross buns and fruit...I love to spoil them and will continue to do so until they leave home. We have a nice afternoon mooching around the Palma shops and a lovely evening just chilling planning our big family day out on Sunday as it will be Chris's first full day off from work, so we plan to go to Bellver Castle and then head to a beach to have a picnic. See now that is the thing about plans when you have something like this they can dramatically change without warning. I had been having a little pain in my tummy but just ignored it, however, on Sunday morning I woke up and it was bad. We continue to get ready and head off to Bellver. By the time we go there the pain was severe, we managed to walk around, take some photos but I know I need to go and get myself checked out. I can't really take the chance of having an infection so off to Juaneda we go and I am taken straight in for tests/scans and an over night stay. Uff on Easter Sunday. Get shown to my room and can't help but feel annoyed with myself. The littles come with Chris to see me later on, they sit on the floor and play cards. So much for our big Easter day out. I apologise to them all, Madi says that she's had a good day. I love this child. Thankfully all tests come back good, more than likely just inflammation on the resection scar on my colon and I am allowed home at lunchtime on Monday. So Easter Monday is spent lunching in the sunshine. All is good with the world again. 

So here we are on chemo Wednesday BLEUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH. I am dreading it. I have felt so damn good and I know that this time tomorrow I will feel terrible...maybe I wont, but chances are I will. I am an optimist but I also have to be realistic. Just think, this time next week I will feel wonderful again. I am planning on going back to the gym and swimming on my good days, so very much looking forward to that.


It is only a week Amanda, get those Super Girl pants (thanks Ali Rodd) & lip gloss on and just do it. 

DING DING ROUND II

Wednesday 25th March: So here we are, ready for round 2 of chemo. I have to be honest, I did not wake up today full of the enthusiasm (if that is the correct word) like I did for the first one. I am not anxious and although I feel ready to go again, this time I have more information and knew what it would be like and to be honest, I really just don't want to go. As I leave at lunchtime, Roxy struggles a little, she wouldn't let go of my hand as I say goodbye. She told me she didn't want me to go to the hospital again...she looks at me with those BIG BROWN EYES of hers. She is 7, she does not fully comprehend everything that is going on, but she feels it. She is sensitive to me. Bloody cancer!  This round my best friend here, Luisa, asks to take me. Now her and I laugh a lot, we laugh too much, we laugh like teenagers at the most inappropriate things and have often gotten into a little bit of a pickle over the years...normally involving too much wine and too much laughing !!!!  We are both mothers, we both have two little girls each and she is about to become a Mum for the third time in August and I love this woman to the moon and back. I am also very blessed to be godmother to her second daughter. We decide to meet up a little earlier, have some lunch together and head to oncology.  We joke that it is our big day out. I get hooked up and we laugh and talk a lot. I worry about her sitting on a chair for two hours being 20 weeks pregnant and she worries about me using a hospital blanket without a sheet underneath (in case it is not clean)!  I will be honest, I feel it this time, almost straight away, I feel the 'plug' going in and I can feel the chemo, I can taste it again and it makes me instantly sad. Luisa tells me I am brave...I do not feel brave, I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I manage to hold back the tears whilst she is with me but when she goes to collect her daughter from school, I have a few quick tears. Chris arrives, both chemo bags & anti sickness meds finished and I get hooked up to Charley chemo pack again for our 2 day affair at home.

...second round in and already I can not bare to hear that camera lens shutting noise he makes...

So Thursday and Friday are pretty much the same as the first infusion. I feel ok ish. I have nausea again and feel tired. I stay at home. I meditate and this helps with the nausea. I try and rest but do help around the house with cooking and household chores, I need my girls to see me functioning. I get unhooked again on the Friday afternoon and the side effects arrive for the weekend...

...as does Roxanne's stomach bug!!! So here we are at 0330 on Saturday morning and the poor girl is throwing up. She is such an incredible child. She is sick on her own and then comes to tell us!! Chris the superhero, gets up and deals with it and looks after her so that I can sleep. I am unable to go back to sleep and stay awake feeling sick until around 0630 and then he goes to work at 8am. Saturday is a TOUGH day. Emotionally I am a wreck this time, I have no idea why it is hitting me so hard but I am very aware that both of my girls need to see a happy Mummy and I do hold it together. Between Madi and I, we do laundry, hang up washing, sort the animals out, tidy up and look after a vomiting Roxanne. Thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful friends that have said they will take the girls off for me on my treatment weekends, so Madi heads off for a fun afternoon/evening with her friend and Roxy stays with us. For me it is so important that both girls are not dragged down by this. Of course I can not shield them from the fact that their mother is going through this treatment, and they do see me when I return from treatment and they know I am different for a few days, so if they can escape for 24 hours over these weekends then I am very very thankful for that and eternally grateful to my wonderful friends that make this happen for them/us.  The remainder of the weekend is a roller coaster of tears, a little anger, a little fear (a new emotion for me on this journey) and a lot of frustration. I said to Chris that I can not understand how I got colon cancer (as if we ever really understand why we get cancer or any illness). I mean, I eat healthy, I worked out. Of all the cancers out there...colon cancer really would not have entered my mind to worry about!  I actually annoy myself this weekend as I had been so in control of my emotions, I was not worried about the future and almost felt as though I did not really have cancer and more that I was just going through this motion, but this weekend I feel different. I feel shit. My body aches. My head aches. I feel sick. Food does not interest me. I am bored with drinking warm liquids as the neuropathy sets my mouth, teeth & throat into spasms if I have anything other than room temperature or above. The neuropathy is actually going through the roof this time and my hands are so sensitive to anything cold. I can't hold anything and my hands start to seize up. I actually drop a knife, blade down onto ASBO's head on the Sunday (trying to cut fruit), both he and Roxy just look at me...ooops. Thankfully he lives and there is no visible sign of a wound!!

Sunday is just sleeping. Sleeping is good, there is no nausea whilst you sleep. More tears...get a grip Amanda this is not your life, this is just a hiccup you need to deal with, but I can't stop them. Chris and I sit and talk a little on Sunday evening. I get a glimpse of his fears. You see because I know that I am not going to die (well we all die, but immediately I mean), I had not once thought about his fear of me dying. It's a real fear. I am his wife and mother of his children, of course over the past few weeks this thought has entered his mind. We do not really talk about it in depth, its more of a passing comment but it has registered with me.

Monday 30th March starts promising... then just goes downhill. I manage to make lunch for 6 of us, a friend and her little girl come over and I actually manage to get out for the first time since last Wednesday, ok it was only to Mercadona food shopping, but I made it.  Totally wipes me out and I get annoyed at my lost energetic self.

Tuesday 31st March. OH HELLO !!! Yep feeling better, not 100% but better. Managed to have two breakfasts this morning and am determined to get my dolly on and get out in the sunshine for a walk. Easter present shopping for my little girls later this afternoon with the hubby, might even treat myself to a cold drink as the neuropathy seems to be passing, although still present in my hands. The sun is shinning, summer is coming, I have completed round II of chemo, I am feeling so positive today again.  I feel today should be about BIG hair (yes yes it is still intact) and LOTS of lip gloss to celebrate that there are only 10 treatments to go ...

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up 

and NEVER give up.

THE DAYS FOLLOWING CHEMO....

As I said previously, I started feeling more 'me' on Tuesday 17th but had to deal (obviously with lots of help at home) with the littles having flu. So Thursday to Sunday is filled with just looking after them, being with them, making them food, watering them, making them sleep. Madison does however, make a remarkable recovery in time to go to her friend's house for a sleepover on Saturday 21st...promptly climbs into my bed on the Sunday when she returns to sleep it off!!

I am feeling better. I can feel the difference in my body and more importantly in my mind. Not that I didn't have control of my mind (for a change!!), but I do need to tell myself daily that "I've got this and all will be ok". The overwhelming tiredness and nausea that I had the week previously after the first round of chemo has now gone. I am hungry again and have found a love for cooking...anyone that knows me well will laugh at this statement. Cookie (maiden name was Cook and I was lovingly referred to as Cookie by my friends) & cooking have never been a known partnership!!!! I have always been aware of healthy eating but now I am trying to eat super clean and really enjoying making up recipes (and very annoyingly I am posting pictures on Fannybook and Instagram).  I am completely unable and unwilling to follow a recipe, even when making cakes or biscuits previously for my children they laugh at my inability to follow simple instructions...hence the "ooooooh mummy has been cooking again...what is it"? Also, I seem to have complete 'Dora' concentration when it comes to cooking or being in the kitchen. I have destroyed endless pots/pans by putting things on to cook and walking away and starting another task, only remembering once the smoke alarms are going off or I can see/smell smoke coming from the kitchen. Most famous and common are pots of rice & pasta...I mean how can you burn rice!!! Anyway, I am enjoying having the time to explore different ideas, some are appreciated by the children, others are met with a confused look and "nope don't like that'.

I have very dry skin. This I notices straight away after the first round. My hands look like little old ladies hands already and no amount of almond oil, coconut oil or Body Shop Shea Butter is helping, plus the coldness in my fingers and toes seem to be here to stay. Having said that, I am able to eat & drink cold things, well cooler than room temperature, after about 5 days. I was amazed at how quickly the side effects kicked in and they say with this particular chemotherapy, it builds each treatment but I am determined to beat the side effects by clean eating and boosting my system where I can. I guess only time will tell how each treatment affects me personally as it is different for everyone.

One side effect is particularly disturbing for me and this paragraph comes with a TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING!!!

Gas leaves the body when people burp through the mouth or pass gas through the anus. Gas is primarily composed of carbon dioxide, oxygen, nitrogen,hydrogen, and sometimes methane. Flatus, gas passed through the anus, may also contain small amounts of gasses that contain sulfur.

You see, I had 48cm (double checked my notes this week) of my colon removed on the left hand side. Things are different now in the bum plumbing area and apparently it is completely normal and usual to now have an unbelievable amount of gas that needs to escape your body. Also chemotherapy plays havoc with your bowels too. It was kinda funny the first few times but it is unbearable now. I am constantly apologising at home much to the amusement of my husband (why do boys find farting so amusing?) and there is always the 'uncertainty' of that unexpected 'gas' as to what is actually happening down there...never assume it is only gas!!!! I feel like Johnny Fartpants from Viz.

I decided that this was the week that I would finally google my results, watch videos of my procedures (colon removal and resection and the port a cath implant) and just generally scare the shit out of myself. I guess I needed to do it. Of course, I completely freaked myself out with the survival stats:

Stage I cancers have a survival rate of 80-95 percent. Stage II tumors have survival rates ranging from 55 to 80 percent. A stage III colon cancer has about a 40 percent chance of cure and a patient with a stage IV tumor has only a 10 percent chance of a cure.

5-year Relative Survival Rate
I	92%
IIA	87%
IIB	63%*
IIIA	89%*
IIIB	69%
IIIC	53%
IV	11%

I am IIIb. Chris did remind me that these figures do not take into account age and health. A lot of colon cancer patients are older than 50 and possibly not in as good health as I was to start with. Anyway, these stats are now erased from my mind, I am not a statistic! I make my own rules.

My second round of chemo is today, Wednesday 25th March at 1500. I am going for lunch with one of my best friends and then she will come to the clinic with me. I am feeling completely relaxed about today as I now know what to expect. I am not anxious about the side effects as I know I can handle them. The only aspect which is on my mind is Charley chemo box, not that he bothers me really, it is just an inconvenience to have him attached to me for two days, a little bleeping reminder that you are being pumped full of poison. 

My gorgeous friend Lisa sent me this (she whatsapps me post cards as she is in Hong Kong) and I feel that this is very apt for me at the moment: