DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

9 weeks ago I fell down a rabbit hole. Only 9 weeks ago. How can life change so dramatically in 9 weeks? In that time I've had surgery, found out I have stage IIIb colon cancer and finished 3 rounds of chemotherapy. 

The impact that this has on your life, your family & your friends is phenomenal. Everything changes...everything changes.

I started this journey a little blasé if I were to be completely honest. I didn't  know cancer, I knew it can kill, I knew that you can survive it. I had only known one other person to have it. I didn't know anything about staging, that it can travel/spread, secondary cancers. I knew nothing of chemotherapy that there are even different types of it. I knew nothing! I have now read, joined groups and become a statistic. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH how can this of happened to me...us!!!!!! I am not saying that my life is now engulfed with cancer, but as the weeks go on, it is more and more in my/our life. Everyday it is present there is now no escaping it. The chemotherapy is becoming harder, the side effects are getting a little stronger each time. I fight them but can feel them raging through my body. I feel like there are days that I lose touch with reality. I miss getting up and going to work. I miss that routine of taking the girls to school, gossipping with them on the way and then going to work. I miss complaining about emptying the dishwasher at work and I miss the normalness of being with other people everyday. I miss being busy. I miss the gym, rushing from work to the supermarket, then home to make dinner. I miss the spontaneous meetings of friends for a drink after work, I miss the trips with hubby to take the girls to ballet and stop off for a glass of vino and catch up after a long week. This has all been replaced with fortnightly trips to the oncology department, fortnightly trips to the government doctor so I can be signed off sick, lazy days after chemo and afternoon siestas. Plans are made, plans are cancelled. Everything relies on how well I am feeling. I miss ME.

Round III of chemo last week was going so well. I felt a little sick, a little tired but overall really good considering and by Friday I was almost bragging at how well I felt. You see that is the problem with bragging, it bites your arse...Friday afternoon at the clinic to be 'unhooked' and found out that there was still half a bag of treatment left...NO NO NO, I could not face having to go home and still be attached to that bloody bag/pump with that WHOOSHING noise which actually makes me feel sick now...I know it is only a mental thing but still, the sound now revolts me and I still have 9 rounds to go.  They tell me that I can be 'speed' pumped in about 2 hours, so there I stay to finish it off. I feel terrible by the time I get home, spaced out and a little incoherent by the time I go to bed. The weekend is utterly disgusting. I feel terrible. Chris works all of Saturday and I have both girls with me. It is a struggle. They are not a struggle, they are never a struggle,  it is me... I feel so sick, so useless, so exhausted but I cook and I bake buns for them. Keeping busy, letting them see me busy, being 'normal' is important BUT I am not being normal am I? It is just an act this weekend. Chris hugs me when he is home. I cry, I really cry not as in wailing out loud cry but buckets of big hot tears and these tears hurt my eyes because the neuropathy has gone through the roof and is now affecting my eyes and mouth as well as my fingers. We have a group hug. I feel pain/guilt because I cry so openly in front of them but they seem unfazed by it, maybe because we are coping so well and they only see strength normally they are not scared that Mummy might need to have a cry because she feels unwell and trying to get better. Chris reassures me it is ok for them to see and we return to our weekend. I hold it all in, I keep it together. 

If you were to ask me how I am feeling right now, I would say distant. I feel removed from me. If I stand over the rabbit hole entrance I can see me falling there...I am still nearer the top of the hole than the bottom but, nevertheless, I am in the hole. Am I scared? No I am not scared, not once since this all started have I been scared but I am bored with it...already, I am so bored with it all. Mentally I think I have it under control most of the time but this weekend I just wanted it to be done, to be over with. I am in pain, I feel sick, I feel exhausted and I guess maybe feeling a little sorry for myself and that annoys me. Self pity gets your nowhere, but I feel very emotional right now. I know that everything is going to be ok but I want that ok to be now. I feel like I am standing on the outside of my life looking in, watching it, it is very surreal. I feel like I am in limbo. I want to do normal everyday things but normal everyday things after the chemo sessions are totally debilitating at times. A simple walk out to the shops is exhausting. Getting up to have breakfast or to be with the girls before school at times is hard...my need to be with them far outweighs any desire to just stay in bed but it's tough. I feel guilty that I am putting my family through this. I feel embarrassed  that that I rely on my au pair to help me so much during these difficult days (I am eternally grateful that I have her in our life right now). Some days I feel like I am a prisoner in myself. Some days it is SUCH an effort to put a smile on my face and sometimes I wonder if you can see I am faking it. If I push myself then I just end up feeling terrible the next day and I am supposed to be making myself better and resting so that I build my strength for the next chemo session. I feel useless. I feel a little broken. I don't want to be a broken mummy or wife, I want me back and to do this I have to go through this whole bitter process. Yes I know I need to take myself off and have a word...get a grip Amanda you can do this. Yes I know all this but right now, here right now, I am having a momentary wobble. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a better day and my big girl pants will be back on and I will be back on track to climbing out of that rabbit hole...