Wow what an amazing 7 days. I have felt fabulous since last Wednesday. So it seems to be the pattern of 7 bad days 7 good. I can take that. Obviously chemotherapy and it's side effects are totally unpredictable and the second session's bad days did extend by a day this time but HEY I can work with 7 off 7 on!! I truly appreciate feeling well now and when this is all finished, I will not take my health for granted again, not that I really did before but I think I am more aware now of what my body requires and I have become slightly power food obsessed, although chocolate does seem to find it's way in occasionally as does the odd glass of Rose wine on my good days - well I have to live a little (well obviously I want to live a lot but you know what I mean!!).
Girls broke up for the Easter holidays on the Wednesday and I had an invitation to go to 10 year anniversary drinks for a friends business in Santa Catalina. I knew there would be several familiar faces there and people that I had only spoken to through Facebook. Although slightly anxious as I have not been out to a gathering since being diagnosed, I knew it would be good to 'get out there' and speak to people and put some faces to names. We went as a family and to be honest, I felt slightly safer going in numbers! I have always been anxious going out and meeting new people, even used to feel anxious going out just meeting friends in large groups, obviously not many people know this if any to be honest apart from my husband and closest friends. I was incredibly insecure and would combat this by talking too much, drinking too much and becoming a total extrovert when actually inside I just wanted to go back inside myself to my 'safe' cave. Funny really as everyone thinks I am so outgoing and confident. ANYWAY, it was a lovely couple of hours being out, talking to friends and making new ones, feeling 'normal' ish and I even managed a glass of wine. Yay.
Cancer I have found out is either a conversation killer or that is all people want to talk about. The problem is I do not see myself as different now or even that there is anything wrong. I see myself as a chemotherapy patient if anything. So when you see someone that you have not seen for a while, they usually start the conversation with a slightly surprised "oh you are looking so well" which of course is always nice to hear but you can sense that they expected you to look terrible or at least a little unwell, however they are just generally happy to see you looking good. With this particular chemotherapy you do not usually lose your hair, although I have had mine cut a little shorter as Folfox does cause hair thinning, I still have it all (thankfully) and normally I have made an effort and have a full face of war paint on. Then you are asked how you are...how do you answer that honestly without boring the absolute pants off them or reducing them to tears! So I have found myself saying "I am really well actually" which in essence is the truth because by the time I am out being with people, I usually am feeling really well. You then sometimes get the arm rub/stroke...very similar to when you are pregnant and people touch your bump...with cancer seems to come an arm touch and a sideways look when asked how you are. Although this is usually from people who you do not see very often. A good/close friend normally just embraces you in a massive bear hug and showers you with kisses if they have not seen you for a while then asks how you are :-) The brave and bold ask those questions that others dare not to, for example I was recently asked if it is terminal and then how do I feel about having cancer or how is it I still have my hair...these kind of people I like...straight to the point and we then move on to more interesting conversations. Some people simply do not know what to say...and why should they and to be honest I never expect anyone to say anything...I have cancer I am not cancer and am the same person I have always been so please do not worry about the 'right' words. I do truly appreciate people's concerns and the previous comments are observations and in no way a criticism to anyone.
Thursday 2nd & Friday 3rd was more time with friends. Thursday was a lovely day spent in a local park in the sunshine with some friends and their littles having a picnic. The only problem is that I have become heat/sun sensitive due to the chemotherapy which is a bit of a bind seeing as I live in Mallorca and the summer months are about to hit us AND I love the sunshine, any opportunity to get naked and a tan and I'm there! Factor 50 and BIG hats are the way forward this summer and Chris says he has a solution for the beach ...knowing my husband it will consist of poles and covers (he works in the yacht scaffolding and coverings industry). He will no doubt construct something quite remarkable and worthy of a CIBSE building award !! Friday Madi was off out with friends as usual and Roxy and I went to the cinema to see Cinderella, to be honest I think I enjoyed it her more than her. There was only the four of us there and we decided to sit right at the back in the middle. The little girl in me loves Cinderalla, the beautiful girl, the prince charming, rags to riches and just the magic of it all. There was a moment in the film when Cinderalla's mother dies and Roxy turned to me with those big brown eyes and said "oh her Mummy died", she gave my hand a squeeze and we continued to watch the film holding hands. Not sure what she meant by that, or even what she understands. We walk home from Ocimax to our house as it is only a 30 minute walk (little legs doesn't do quick) and talk all the way about making hot cross buns and what outfit she would wear that evening to our friends Candice & Jason's leaving do.
Bitter sweet saying goodbye to Candice. For those that know this family you will understand why and for those who don't, this gorgeous family lost their daughter to mitochondria just before her 4th birthday 4 years ago. I am so unbelievably proud of them, what they have overcome. They are moving back to the UK and have so much to look forward to. Seeing them all happy after everything that has happened makes my heart warm. Nice to see some familiar faces again, lots of laughs and a bit of a dance. Was exhausted by 11pm though...so rock n roll nowadays! We say our goodbyes, she cries and I fight back the tears.
Gorgeous Saturday with my littles. I make them breakfast in bed of warm homemade hot cross buns and fruit...I love to spoil them and will continue to do so until they leave home. We have a nice afternoon mooching around the Palma shops and a lovely evening just chilling planning our big family day out on Sunday as it will be Chris's first full day off from work, so we plan to go to Bellver Castle and then head to a beach to have a picnic. See now that is the thing about plans when you have something like this they can dramatically change without warning. I had been having a little pain in my tummy but just ignored it, however, on Sunday morning I woke up and it was bad. We continue to get ready and head off to Bellver. By the time we go there the pain was severe, we managed to walk around, take some photos but I know I need to go and get myself checked out. I can't really take the chance of having an infection so off to Juaneda we go and I am taken straight in for tests/scans and an over night stay. Uff on Easter Sunday. Get shown to my room and can't help but feel annoyed with myself. The littles come with Chris to see me later on, they sit on the floor and play cards. So much for our big Easter day out. I apologise to them all, Madi says that she's had a good day. I love this child. Thankfully all tests come back good, more than likely just inflammation on the resection scar on my colon and I am allowed home at lunchtime on Monday. So Easter Monday is spent lunching in the sunshine. All is good with the world again.
So here we are on chemo Wednesday BLEUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH. I am dreading it. I have felt so damn good and I know that this time tomorrow I will feel terrible...maybe I wont, but chances are I will. I am an optimist but I also have to be realistic. Just think, this time next week I will feel wonderful again. I am planning on going back to the gym and swimming on my good days, so very much looking forward to that.
It is only a week Amanda, get those Super Girl pants (thanks Ali Rodd) & lip gloss on and just do it.
It is only a week Amanda, get those Super Girl pants (thanks Ali Rodd) & lip gloss on and just do it.
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