I truly believe that all woman care about their appearance regardless of what some magazine articles will lead us to believe - you know the articles, the ones that start with "I'm happy in my own body", "I don't need make-up to feel empowered" - you know, those sorts of articles. Yes I know that some woman obsess/worry about their appearance more than others, but essentially I do believe that each of us girls like to try and look our best and to feel our best. Just my opinion.
I will put it out there, I have always been a worrier about my appearance, my weight, my hair...does that make me vain? Does that make me shallow? Probably in some people's eyes but for me it was more deep rooted than that. I wanted to feel accepted and thus in turn made me obsessed with how I appeared to others. I had a terrible eating disorder for many years and that only really went once I had my first child ironically during pregnancy! I spent hours in the gym and hundreds of pounds on hairdressers appointments, nails, tans, clothes. Did it make me happier...looking back now, no not really but I did it. Nowadays, I use only natural products on my skin (almond & coconut oil), hairdressers is every few months rather than weekly (yes, really I was there weekly!!) and I enjoy the freedom of living in Mallorca where I do not really worry about the most up to date fashion and revel in the fact that Havaianas, shorts and a bikini will see me through a good 6 months of the year along with my trusted Gap jeans that I purchased 10 years ago! Also being a full time working mum, I have mastered the art of 10 minute make-up!! I still like to look good but I do it on a budget now and it's less time consuming.
So when I was told I had cancer and required chemotherapy, one of my thoughts was how will this affect me not only physically & mentally but how will it change the way I look.
Chemotherapy makes you believe you look rotten. Indeed it does affect your outer appearance along with the mental & physical changes that it also afflicts on you. So far I still have my hair but then with my particular chemotherapy I was told that I would possibly not lose it, it would just thin and I might lose it towards the end of my sessions or I might not...so far it has just thinned, I have noticed this a lot after chemo number 3. A few hairs fall out on a daily basis as they do for everyone but they are not replenished. So my hair is becoming thinner and it is very dry. I love/loved my hair...I'm a Leo and our hair is supposed to be our shinning glory and although I am thankful that it is still here, I do look at it each day and notice the small changes. I thought I might completely freak out with the thought of losing my hair but I guess some things become less important...am toying with the idea of just having it cut very short to give it some strength and if it does decide to take a vacation from my head, what a perfect excuse to invest in beautiful scarves and hats! Recently my hair has started to hurt, this is a strange one. Usually directly after treatment if I touch my hair it hurts, the ends/roots hurt/tingle. Most bizarre sensation. It is almost as if I can feel my hair fighting to hang on...or maybe it is hanging on due to the amount of hairspray that I am using :-)
We all know that our skin is the largest waste removal system but it appears that the majority of my body's poisonous waste is trying to escape through my face...I have never been one to suffer with spots but am now the proud owner of pimples, spots and the occasional black head - how very delightful that I am regressing to teenage hood!! Of course being a woman, one can cover these delights with make-up, but I know they are there, lurking in the background. I also feel the need to shower A LOT! I feel dirty (and not in a Christina Aguilera sexy way!!). When I am having treatment and the days immediately after, I smell like chemicals, even my girls have mentioned that I smell strange, not the usual 'mummy' smell that they love and so I have this over whelming urge to shower and bath as much as is physically possible - which is not easy when you have an intravenous drip coming out of your chest into a bag that you are carrying around!! Really not looking forward to the hot summer months, can only imagine how the combination of unbelievable heat and chemicals will make me feel and bearing in mind, because of the neuropathy I will not be able to have cool showers or baths...the joy.
I have mentioned before my little old lady hands. Not only because of the neuropathy but the skin has become very thin, a little baggy and they have wrinkled slightly plus my nails are paper thin and although they grow they tear off very easily. I cut them ever other day very short to give them strength and paint them to try and make them look pretty but my hands have aged over night. When I look at them I imagine how my face would look if it aged as quickly. A scary thought. Thankfully I seem to have only spots no wrinkles yet...small mercies.
Of course, all of these things are so insignificant compared to the overall picture. I know this. I am not obsessing about these minor issues merely observing the daily changes to my appearance and how my body is reacting to trying to rid me of the chemotherapy drugs. People when I meet them always comment on 'how well I look' which is great as it means I do not look sick or even as though I am having chemotherapy, but, I know myself and I see the changes little by little. I have to accept these changes for now but I do look forward to my hair growing big and strong again, also for my face to be clear. Is it ok to want to look good even during chemotherapy treatment? Yes I believe it is. It does not mean that my looks are more important than my recovery, of course it doesn't, it just means I am trying to hang on to a little bit of me, a little bit of the woman I know when I look in the mirror and if by getting up every day and getting my 'dolly' on to make me feel better then so be it.
So here I sit, with my hair done and full make-up on. I am wearing my favourite perfume, the one that I used to save for special occasions but today is a special occasion as it is round 4 of 12. I'm third of the way through my treatment.
As Coco Chanel said ~ A Woman Who Doesn't Wear Perfume Has No Future. I intend on getting through a lot of perfume over the next few months...
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