Round 4 went very well, surprisingly well. I had minimal side effects apart from the bloody neuropathy and tiredness, both of which are rocketing to a new level. I seem to have no control of my hands, they do as they please on treatment days and a couple of days after. I was talking to Madi and she said "Oh Mummy look at your hands" and we both stood there and stared at how my thumb had somehow managed to get stuck over the index finger and the ring finger was over the top of my pinky and I hadn't felt a thing!! I'll be typing and all of a sudden they will just stop working and freeze into the most bizarre positions and I have to gently knock them on the table to try and get them back into a normal position, same will happen when I have a knife in my hand much to the alarm of my family... my husband often shouts out "I'll cut that"! much to the relief of the littles. I've dropped/smashed glasses, things slip from my fingers and generally it is hit and miss on them functioning properly around this time. The same for my toes, they have started acting strange, along with my calf muscles that give up at the most inopportune moment, ...like getting up to go to the toilet in the night - I end up shuffling like an old lady to the bathroom and these spasms hurt at times, BUT apart from that and the incredible tiredness, it has been ok ish.
Another interesting side effect is the chemo brain. Now the majority of chemotherapy patients will understand what this is. Basically you forget everything. You have the attention span of Dora from Finding Nemo and the inability to do anything in a logical order. For example a day last week: I started to clear the kitchen, got distracted and went to talk to Roxy in her bedroom - the au pair then found a tea strainer and spoon on Roxy's shelf. I then decided that I would clear out Roxy's wardrobe of her old clothes and sell on my chocolate crocodile facebook page - piled up the clothes on my bedroom floor - decided to go make lunch - got distracted by phone call - forgot lunch - went back to pile of clothes to take photos and upload onto FB - shit LUNCH, rush back and finish that in time for the littles to get home from school - stood in kitchen and couldn't remember what I was doing in their first thing, AH YES clearing the dishwasher. This cycle continues on a daily basis. I forget words, everyday words and replace them with quite random words MUCH to the amusement of my children. I find myself now stopping mid sentence and struggling to find the right word to use which is annoying the hell out of me. I've developed a slight stutter in these situations whilst I am frantically searching my cloudy brain for the word. I've even gone to Mercadona with Madison and stood there and asked her why I'm there! Sooooo, it should come as no surprise then that I managed to give Chris and I food poisoning on the Sunday night. Gorgeous salad with prawns, I proudly announce to him. Did I notice that the prawns required cooking, no of course not, logic in my brain did not realise that because of their slight grey opaque appearance that I should have cooked them before use. As I was eating it, I thought to myself, these prawns taste different... OMG Chris they are raw!!!!!! Panic sets in, I can't get food poisoning, my reduced colon can't cope with this, nor can my decreased platelets (yes blood platelets are down this time round). So I prepare myself for the worst. Chris on the other hand seems not too bothered by this. To be honest, that guy does have the constitution of an ox, he can eat things which would send most of us on a bathroom holiday for days! Prawns are full of bacteria and it can take 2/3 days before you feel the full effects of the poisoning but within 2 hours I am firmly in the bathroom, a few more trips in the night and by Monday morning I am feeling OKish. Chris has full blown food poisoning by Monday, poor guy both ends. He suffers for a couple of days. He groans at me that he knows now how I feel after my treatments...not a bad thing to experience it for a couple of days I guess (sniggers slightly like a wicked witch). I'm sure the only reason I got away so lightly is because I am so full of poison myself that the prawn bacteria had no chance...a bit like the mosquito that feasted on me the other night...didn't hear that f*&ker buzzing again!!! Maybe I can rent myself out as a mosquito repellent this summer.
So I manage lots of lovely things on this cycle and we have things to celebrate. My warrior child Madi got a distinction in her ballet exam even though she had full blown flu and a raging temperature and Roxy got a distinction in her exam and came joint top of her class. Super proud Mummy moment. I attend a great workshop about juicing, I meet friends for coffees, birthday lunches, shopping, lots of valuable family time, have Madi's friend stay over and even manage to help a friend move some things into her new house. I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are doing fantastic things for me. I feel very loved and looked after. So why the tears? So many tears this time. So emotional. I find myself crying in the strangest situations, for example, walking to Santa Catalina to meet my friend to go to the juicing workshop last week. OK admittedly I'd had a bad night of being up feeling sick and struggling to sleep but I was so looking forward to meeting up with some girlies and going, but on the walk over there (20 minutes from my house) I find myself suddenly welling up and a face full of hot tears?????? This happens all week. I feel completely overwhelmed with these waves of sadness. I was in Corte Ingles shopping and to be honest, I had probably over done it and been out of the house for too long, the tiredness hit me, I suddenly panicked as to how I would get home and home is only a 15 minute walk. Again the tears, but this time I know they were out of frustration at the ridiculousness of all of this and the loss of my energy. I somehow make it home but completely wiped out. I cry at home when I look at the girls. I picked up Roxy to give her a big Mummy hug and we snuggle into each others necks and as I smell her, I can feel those bloody hot tears again...I can't stop them. I have a moment with Chris this weekend (girls were in bed), we talk about what if the Trevor comes back, what if I get the all clear in September but then it comes back. What if, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF - I hate the what ifs. I am positive and I know that I'm beating this but you can't help occasionally with the what ifs because non of us know what the future has in store for us, I guess it's how we deal with these what ifs that makes the difference.
So, number 5 this week. I am as always ready for it. Not wanting it but ready for it. Nearing the half way mark which will require some sort of celebratory moment I feel. Well the half way mark falls on Madison's 12th birthday week. Two fantastic reasons to celebrate. So in the meantime, I shall....
Another interesting side effect is the chemo brain. Now the majority of chemotherapy patients will understand what this is. Basically you forget everything. You have the attention span of Dora from Finding Nemo and the inability to do anything in a logical order. For example a day last week: I started to clear the kitchen, got distracted and went to talk to Roxy in her bedroom - the au pair then found a tea strainer and spoon on Roxy's shelf. I then decided that I would clear out Roxy's wardrobe of her old clothes and sell on my chocolate crocodile facebook page - piled up the clothes on my bedroom floor - decided to go make lunch - got distracted by phone call - forgot lunch - went back to pile of clothes to take photos and upload onto FB - shit LUNCH, rush back and finish that in time for the littles to get home from school - stood in kitchen and couldn't remember what I was doing in their first thing, AH YES clearing the dishwasher. This cycle continues on a daily basis. I forget words, everyday words and replace them with quite random words MUCH to the amusement of my children. I find myself now stopping mid sentence and struggling to find the right word to use which is annoying the hell out of me. I've developed a slight stutter in these situations whilst I am frantically searching my cloudy brain for the word. I've even gone to Mercadona with Madison and stood there and asked her why I'm there! Sooooo, it should come as no surprise then that I managed to give Chris and I food poisoning on the Sunday night. Gorgeous salad with prawns, I proudly announce to him. Did I notice that the prawns required cooking, no of course not, logic in my brain did not realise that because of their slight grey opaque appearance that I should have cooked them before use. As I was eating it, I thought to myself, these prawns taste different... OMG Chris they are raw!!!!!! Panic sets in, I can't get food poisoning, my reduced colon can't cope with this, nor can my decreased platelets (yes blood platelets are down this time round). So I prepare myself for the worst. Chris on the other hand seems not too bothered by this. To be honest, that guy does have the constitution of an ox, he can eat things which would send most of us on a bathroom holiday for days! Prawns are full of bacteria and it can take 2/3 days before you feel the full effects of the poisoning but within 2 hours I am firmly in the bathroom, a few more trips in the night and by Monday morning I am feeling OKish. Chris has full blown food poisoning by Monday, poor guy both ends. He suffers for a couple of days. He groans at me that he knows now how I feel after my treatments...not a bad thing to experience it for a couple of days I guess (sniggers slightly like a wicked witch). I'm sure the only reason I got away so lightly is because I am so full of poison myself that the prawn bacteria had no chance...a bit like the mosquito that feasted on me the other night...didn't hear that f*&ker buzzing again!!! Maybe I can rent myself out as a mosquito repellent this summer.
So I manage lots of lovely things on this cycle and we have things to celebrate. My warrior child Madi got a distinction in her ballet exam even though she had full blown flu and a raging temperature and Roxy got a distinction in her exam and came joint top of her class. Super proud Mummy moment. I attend a great workshop about juicing, I meet friends for coffees, birthday lunches, shopping, lots of valuable family time, have Madi's friend stay over and even manage to help a friend move some things into her new house. I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are doing fantastic things for me. I feel very loved and looked after. So why the tears? So many tears this time. So emotional. I find myself crying in the strangest situations, for example, walking to Santa Catalina to meet my friend to go to the juicing workshop last week. OK admittedly I'd had a bad night of being up feeling sick and struggling to sleep but I was so looking forward to meeting up with some girlies and going, but on the walk over there (20 minutes from my house) I find myself suddenly welling up and a face full of hot tears?????? This happens all week. I feel completely overwhelmed with these waves of sadness. I was in Corte Ingles shopping and to be honest, I had probably over done it and been out of the house for too long, the tiredness hit me, I suddenly panicked as to how I would get home and home is only a 15 minute walk. Again the tears, but this time I know they were out of frustration at the ridiculousness of all of this and the loss of my energy. I somehow make it home but completely wiped out. I cry at home when I look at the girls. I picked up Roxy to give her a big Mummy hug and we snuggle into each others necks and as I smell her, I can feel those bloody hot tears again...I can't stop them. I have a moment with Chris this weekend (girls were in bed), we talk about what if the Trevor comes back, what if I get the all clear in September but then it comes back. What if, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF - I hate the what ifs. I am positive and I know that I'm beating this but you can't help occasionally with the what ifs because non of us know what the future has in store for us, I guess it's how we deal with these what ifs that makes the difference.
So, number 5 this week. I am as always ready for it. Not wanting it but ready for it. Nearing the half way mark which will require some sort of celebratory moment I feel. Well the half way mark falls on Madison's 12th birthday week. Two fantastic reasons to celebrate. So in the meantime, I shall....
No comments:
Post a Comment