Madi is a special little being. She is truly beautiful inside and out. Life didn't start too beautiful for her, she was just over two weeks late, induced and they had to use forceps and ventouse to remove her from her safe little cave, she obviously just felt very comfortable there and was in no rush to leave!! She was a funny looking baby, ok a forced delivery didn't help matters and she sported a cone shaped head for a while, along with forcep marks and being extremely long in length with no hair, she really was a bizarre looking baby. Chris said she looked like a golf club as her feet were enormous at the end of her never ending legs! I made her wear hats for the first 12 months as there was little sign of hair and she only got her first tooth at nearly 8 months old! She was and still is an easy child. She was a very happy contented baby and showing a strong creative mind from a very young age... I would often find her with strange bags & buckets on her head, this progressed to fully designed outfits with accompanying floor show (much to the delight of many of our au pairs) to her unique taste in clothes now. She is effortlessly stylish and in my humble opinion, just stunning to watch and look at. She is kind & caring and has an amazing empathy about her.
Our relationship is being tested right now. She is going through the usual changes that most nearly 12 year olds go through and on top of that her Mummy has cancer. We have the usual ups/downs/moods that accompany most pre-teenies, we chat when she allows me about body changes and how she is turning into a young woman...these conversations are often quickly changed and we go back to talking about ballet and school. We do not talk about my cancer. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just changes the subject or gives me an awkward look. She was angry and hurt when Chris and I sat her down, told her I had it and would be having chemotherapy. I could see her safe world was momentarily destroyed. She cried so hard, that I felt my heart hurting on that night. We had another heart hurting moment last night. You see Madi hasn't told any of her friends or anyone that her Mum has cancer, this is completely her right and although we have tried to talk to her about this, the response is always the same "I don't know, I just don't want to". So occasionally, I bump into her friends parents or as in last night's case, a grandfather and we talk and it comes out that I am having chemo and I tell them why. I could see he was shocked and didn't really know what to say, this I am ok with, it's a normal reaction. I told Madi I had told him and she looked at me as though she was a bit pissed off. I ask her again, why did she not tell anyone...is she embarrassed? I want to understand how my big little girl is feeling, what is going on in her head, why wont she speak to me...to anyone! We exchange some words and both end up in floods of tears...big tears, she is sobbing, I feel awful that I have made her cry, we hold each other very tightly and I say sorry to her. I am so sorry that we are in this revolting situation, that cancer has dared to come into our family. I want her to open up to me, but I can't force this can I? I have to accept and respect that this is her way of dealing with it but I can't help but feel like I'm knocking on her door but she wont answer me, she won't let her Mummy in and this makes me so sad...I do not want her to feel alone in this journey, because we are all on this journey together, all four of us.
So in the meantime, we plan for next Saturday, we will celebrate our gorgeous girl's 12th birthday on a sunny beach here in Mallorca with all of her friends and their parents and hopefully next Saturday I'll be fully in the 'good' cycle and can at least be a normal mum on her special day and as the Urban Dictionary quite rightly quotes:
Madison ~ An amazing, beautiful, intelligent and simply perfect girl. Madisons are perfect friends. Madisons are great dancers, and can do anything they set their mind to. Madisons will do anything for their friends and will always be there for them no matter what. They are perfect in every way.
I am so very proud to be your Mummy
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