The Chinese hold 5 as a lucky number and it is associated with the five elements Water, Fire, Earth, Wood, and Metal. For me, number 5 is purely associated with two elements - Exhaustion and Nausea!!!
Well number 5...this has been the worst one yet and I have 7 more to go!!! The nausea has been horrific, never known anything like it. The violence of the dry retching can only be likened to a scene out of The Exorcist!!! Even the anti nausea tablets didn't really help this time round. Then the vomiting started...power eating my way through this round of chemo has not been an option. I want to eat all my healthy powerful foods but when I do, I feel terrible after 20 minutes of finishing and then have to rush to the bathroom. I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth, my head has hurt every day since the chemo (which is now 9 days ago) and I feel dizzy and exhausted. Strange things have also been happening with my legs...some days they just don't work as they should and I end up shuffling like a little old lady or they just give way completely. Great, wobbly legs to go with my little old lady hands!!!! I'm finding baths are my best friend (very similar to when I was pregnant and full of morning sickness with Madi) and being in water seems to soothe my body and helps with the nausea. Admittedly I end up staying in there for too long, have it way too hot, which in turn then zaps my energy and I struggle to get out of the damn thing....also doesn't help that my 10 kilo kitten insists on trying to share my baths and then lays on the bathmat which I then have to navigate stepping over on my way out because of course, fat cat doesn't move and often swipes at my ankles just to make the exit even more interesting !
Soooooo, I finally succumbed and had my hair cut to chin length, I like it, although I do prefer my lovely long hair but to be honest, it had gotten thin and ragged looking and now it looks way healthier than it did. Don't get me wrong, my hair like me, still struggles on a daily basis but it remains there and I respect it for staying with me along this ridiculous journey. I'm not sure how I made it to the salon last Saturday if I am honest. I woke up feeling HORRENDOUS, but I had to get there as Madi had been gifted 2 tickets to see Swan Lake at the Palma Auditorium for her birthday by my friend Lucy. Such a beautiful and thoughtful gift from her for my girl and I wanted to look great on Saturday night and feel 'normal' for a few hours. Madi was so excited, she had her outfit ready and we were going to have a Mummy/Madi night out. So the goal for Saturday was hairdressers for me, football/lunch for Chris and then home so I could sleep and feel well enough for the ballet. Roxy was out all day at her friend's house with a trip to Pirates and a sleep over - so she was covered (thank you Debbie). We managed it all. I felt terrible the whole day, but went to bed thinking a sleep will make it all better. I didn't even need the alarm that I had set for myself. It was if the nausea truck had driven straight into me - BOOOOOOOM there you go, have another round of this. You have plans to go out with your daughter HAHAHAHA, we don't think so...Chris finds me on my hands and knees in a dark bathroom over the toilet, holding onto it, sobbing into it, throwing up uncontrollably. I feel like a cancer patient for the very first time. My body is raging with pain and sickness. My legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach is on fire from the retching. Thankfully only Chris sees me as Madi is happily oblivious in her bedroom getting ready for her big night out. Chris says lovingly that he will take her. I angrily tell him that I will do this, I am not angry at him, I'm angry at the mess that I am in. He gets me water and tells me I have 45 minutes to get myself ready and that he will take Madi out for a walk and meet me downstairs.
Never underestimate the power of a mother's love, make-up & lots of hairspray! Somehow I manage to scrape myself off the bathroom floor and into a little black dress and killer heels . I meet them downstairs and Madi tells me how wonderful I look, she is non the wiser and off we go to make a beautiful memory together. It was truly a stunning performance from the Moscow Ballet Company. We sit and hold hands all the way through it, she munches on the sweets we bought, whilst I secretly do deep breathing to stop myself from being sick.
So the week pretty much repeats itself like that...exhaustion, nausea, vomit, repeat. Tomorrow is the birthday girl's big beach party and I've made the goodie bags, the games are planned and my gorgeous au pair has sat and made/decorated 50 cupcakes for her. All I need now is for my body to behave and to function normally for a few hours. Not too much to ask.
So Wednesday is round 6. Which is half way. Half way to being better. Half way to getting ME back, wife back, Mummy back. Half way is good, although if number 5 is an indicator of how tough it's going to get then I 'd better get myself some bigger Big Girl Pants!!!!!!!
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