They say that being diagnosed with a life threatening illness can be likened to grief. I think that 'they' are right in saying this!
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance are a part of the framework which makes up our coping strategies to live with the one we lost. We in this instance is me.
When I was first diagnosed with stage IIIb colon cancer, it hardly sank in. I didn't allow it to sink in. I had my family to think about. Those who read my blog will remember me saying that I wasn't angry. I'm guessing that this was my denial stage. Anger did come but much later on, after the bargaining stage. Bargaining...I often did this silently to myself. I would ask the universe that if it would please please spare me and allow my little girls to grow up with a Mummy, that I would give something back. I still need to figure out what it is exactly that I can give back! What can I give back? Towards the end of my treatment, when my body was battered by the chemo, I again bargained with the universe and said that I would do it all over again to guarantee that my girls would NEVER have to go through what I had. I would do it over and over and OVER again to save them from it!!!!
Anger came but in waves. Not so much WHY did I get this but anger because my littles were scared that their Mummy might die. No child should go to bed at night and worry that one of their parents might not live to see them grow up. Every little girl needs and wants their Mummy for as long as possible. I asked the smallest little recently over lunch what were her happy memories and she told me "when you told me the cancer had gone"... she then cried and told me that she was scared that I would die. Damn you cancer. Her happy memories should be of a birthday party or a trip to England to see her family or fun with friends, not of cancer !!! I was also angry that we would have this umbrella over our lives for 5 years or more really and that it had intruded my family's life ... anger was quickly replaced with depression. This hit me hard. I wrote about my struggles to leave the house, to continue with life after treatment even struggling once I had been given the all clear, the struggle to find and like this new me. I've written about that, so we do not need to revisit this as it was a dark place.
Acceptance. Well I think I am getting there. It is not a bed of roses but I do think that I am now getting used to this new me. I still have dark days, no where near as frequent as before. As I said in my previous blog, nobody wants to be the new girl in the class but I feel that I'm not so much the new girl now, I feel as thought I have integrated into the class. I know my limits and I'm finally accepting that there are days when I still feel grief for the old me, I still have the occasional cry but crying is good for the soul, it's a release. There are days when all I need to do is to sleep, and this is ok too. I accept that my body is still recovering from something very intrusive and very traumatic. Returning to the gym and regaining body strength has played a very important role in me finding acceptance. Endorphins are my best friend right now. I can finally see and feel the changes in my body, I can feel myself getting stronger both physically and more importantly, mentally. There is a lot to be said about endorphins...go find them if you haven't already!
So we are in May, and it's my biggest little's 13th birthday soon. This time last year, I had the famous episode with the magic liquid and spent the night in hospital tripping my face off...no repeat episode of that this year!
I am thankful that I am here this time this year to see this precious being become a teenager. She still hasn't really spoken to me about the cancer, but I respect her choice not to. She continues to amaze me and I absolutely adore the young lady that she is turning in to. This time 13 years ago, I was 2 weeks overdue and the size of a cow, stuck in a bath tub, wishing she would vacate my body... see things do get better :-)
