The Chinese hold 5 as a lucky number and it is associated with the five elements Water, Fire, Earth, Wood, and Metal. For me, number 5 is purely associated with two elements - Exhaustion and Nausea!!!
Well number 5...this has been the worst one yet and I have 7 more to go!!! The nausea has been horrific, never known anything like it. The violence of the dry retching can only be likened to a scene out of The Exorcist!!! Even the anti nausea tablets didn't really help this time round. Then the vomiting started...power eating my way through this round of chemo has not been an option. I want to eat all my healthy powerful foods but when I do, I feel terrible after 20 minutes of finishing and then have to rush to the bathroom. I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth, my head has hurt every day since the chemo (which is now 9 days ago) and I feel dizzy and exhausted. Strange things have also been happening with my legs...some days they just don't work as they should and I end up shuffling like a little old lady or they just give way completely. Great, wobbly legs to go with my little old lady hands!!!! I'm finding baths are my best friend (very similar to when I was pregnant and full of morning sickness with Madi) and being in water seems to soothe my body and helps with the nausea. Admittedly I end up staying in there for too long, have it way too hot, which in turn then zaps my energy and I struggle to get out of the damn thing....also doesn't help that my 10 kilo kitten insists on trying to share my baths and then lays on the bathmat which I then have to navigate stepping over on my way out because of course, fat cat doesn't move and often swipes at my ankles just to make the exit even more interesting !
Soooooo, I finally succumbed and had my hair cut to chin length, I like it, although I do prefer my lovely long hair but to be honest, it had gotten thin and ragged looking and now it looks way healthier than it did. Don't get me wrong, my hair like me, still struggles on a daily basis but it remains there and I respect it for staying with me along this ridiculous journey. I'm not sure how I made it to the salon last Saturday if I am honest. I woke up feeling HORRENDOUS, but I had to get there as Madi had been gifted 2 tickets to see Swan Lake at the Palma Auditorium for her birthday by my friend Lucy. Such a beautiful and thoughtful gift from her for my girl and I wanted to look great on Saturday night and feel 'normal' for a few hours. Madi was so excited, she had her outfit ready and we were going to have a Mummy/Madi night out. So the goal for Saturday was hairdressers for me, football/lunch for Chris and then home so I could sleep and feel well enough for the ballet. Roxy was out all day at her friend's house with a trip to Pirates and a sleep over - so she was covered (thank you Debbie). We managed it all. I felt terrible the whole day, but went to bed thinking a sleep will make it all better. I didn't even need the alarm that I had set for myself. It was if the nausea truck had driven straight into me - BOOOOOOOM there you go, have another round of this. You have plans to go out with your daughter HAHAHAHA, we don't think so...Chris finds me on my hands and knees in a dark bathroom over the toilet, holding onto it, sobbing into it, throwing up uncontrollably. I feel like a cancer patient for the very first time. My body is raging with pain and sickness. My legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach is on fire from the retching. Thankfully only Chris sees me as Madi is happily oblivious in her bedroom getting ready for her big night out. Chris says lovingly that he will take her. I angrily tell him that I will do this, I am not angry at him, I'm angry at the mess that I am in. He gets me water and tells me I have 45 minutes to get myself ready and that he will take Madi out for a walk and meet me downstairs.
Never underestimate the power of a mother's love, make-up & lots of hairspray! Somehow I manage to scrape myself off the bathroom floor and into a little black dress and killer heels . I meet them downstairs and Madi tells me how wonderful I look, she is non the wiser and off we go to make a beautiful memory together. It was truly a stunning performance from the Moscow Ballet Company. We sit and hold hands all the way through it, she munches on the sweets we bought, whilst I secretly do deep breathing to stop myself from being sick.
So the week pretty much repeats itself like that...exhaustion, nausea, vomit, repeat. Tomorrow is the birthday girl's big beach party and I've made the goodie bags, the games are planned and my gorgeous au pair has sat and made/decorated 50 cupcakes for her. All I need now is for my body to behave and to function normally for a few hours. Not too much to ask.
So Wednesday is round 6. Which is half way. Half way to being better. Half way to getting ME back, wife back, Mummy back. Half way is good, although if number 5 is an indicator of how tough it's going to get then I 'd better get myself some bigger Big Girl Pants!!!!!!!
Friday 22 May 2015
Thursday 14 May 2015
INTERLUDE: THE SMALLEST ONE - THE CONVERSATION I DIDN'T PLAN FOR!!
So Roxy and I were in our favourite position tonight, the same position we have been in for the past 7 years of her life...her firmly attached to me. The location of this attachment doesn't really matter, if I am there, she will be firmly attached to me. She is getting better but for years she has been a terribly shy little girl and needs her Mummy at least in view, but preferably with one part of her anatomy glued to me. Roxy was born totally deaf...well she had 10% hearing in one ear we were told and we only found this out when she had started school and was just 3.5 years and suffered with awful bronchitis and then she progressed to pneumonia with hospital stays. Anyway, when we eventually found out she was deaf, they operated and thankful we are at 90% hearing now and with very occasional chest infections. We think a lot of her shyness came from the early years of not being able to hear, but she has transformed from this shy little girl to an outgoing, deeply humorous (very black humour I might add) and a truly loving little girl. She knows that I have been in hospital and she knows that Mummy had an operation and was poorly and she thinks that my chemo port on my chest is my magic button. She understands that I go in every 2 weeks and will ask "oh is it your bag day today?" We never told her the word cancer, mainly because we thought at 7 she just wouldn't understand or be able to process it all.
Tonight that all changed. So we are in our favourite position, attached to each other on the sofa, and out of the blue, she turns to me and asks "Mummy, why did you suddenly go into hospital and stay there for a few days", "well baby, you know Mummy had to have an operation to remove a lump in my tummy", "what sort of lump was it", a tumour I tell her. She does not understand what a tumour is, so I tell her it is lump that grew inside my tubes where all the food is processed and that lump grew badly and had to come out, along with some of the tube (intestines). She looks at me and I can see she is really thinking...I was not expecting this and feel a little panicked if I am honest. "Ok, so the bad lump came out and why do you have the medicine going into your magic button, what is it?" I bite the bullet. She will be 8 in September and not the baby I still hold the image of in my head - ok, she will always be my baby but she is growing up and has her own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Well the medicine is called chemotherapy and they give it to people who have something called cancer. She interrupts me "oh, but Mummy, people, well people with ....". She doesn't finish her sentence, so I ask her what she wants to say to me, she replies "people die from cancer...are you going to die Mummy?" She buries her head into my chest and clings on to me. No tears from her, I fight back my tears. How does my little girl know about cancer and what it can mean??? I can only be honest from here, so I tell her that yes, some people do die from cancer but a lot of people get better and I had very very big plans on getting better. She doesn't talk anymore, she just holds onto me. I put her to bed and we lay together not speaking. She holds my face a lot and just looks at me with those big brown eyes of her...we've always had this kind of connection Roxy and I. We look at each other, she takes her mummy bunny (her sleep comfort that she has had from birth) and wipes it on my neck so she can smell me when she sleeps. I tell her that she must speak to me about any worries or any questions that she might have. She reassures me she will and then closes her eyes.
It has been a pretty tough 48 hours in our house with the littles and conversations. Number 5 chemo is also being pretty tough on me too. We will get through it, I have no doubt about that. I can't help but worry about my littles, we all worry about our littles even during 'normal' times. For the first time, I had a little panic feeling in my stomach tonight...what if (there is the bloody what ifs again)...what if ...!!!
Tonight that all changed. So we are in our favourite position, attached to each other on the sofa, and out of the blue, she turns to me and asks "Mummy, why did you suddenly go into hospital and stay there for a few days", "well baby, you know Mummy had to have an operation to remove a lump in my tummy", "what sort of lump was it", a tumour I tell her. She does not understand what a tumour is, so I tell her it is lump that grew inside my tubes where all the food is processed and that lump grew badly and had to come out, along with some of the tube (intestines). She looks at me and I can see she is really thinking...I was not expecting this and feel a little panicked if I am honest. "Ok, so the bad lump came out and why do you have the medicine going into your magic button, what is it?" I bite the bullet. She will be 8 in September and not the baby I still hold the image of in my head - ok, she will always be my baby but she is growing up and has her own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Well the medicine is called chemotherapy and they give it to people who have something called cancer. She interrupts me "oh, but Mummy, people, well people with ....". She doesn't finish her sentence, so I ask her what she wants to say to me, she replies "people die from cancer...are you going to die Mummy?" She buries her head into my chest and clings on to me. No tears from her, I fight back my tears. How does my little girl know about cancer and what it can mean??? I can only be honest from here, so I tell her that yes, some people do die from cancer but a lot of people get better and I had very very big plans on getting better. She doesn't talk anymore, she just holds onto me. I put her to bed and we lay together not speaking. She holds my face a lot and just looks at me with those big brown eyes of her...we've always had this kind of connection Roxy and I. We look at each other, she takes her mummy bunny (her sleep comfort that she has had from birth) and wipes it on my neck so she can smell me when she sleeps. I tell her that she must speak to me about any worries or any questions that she might have. She reassures me she will and then closes her eyes.
It has been a pretty tough 48 hours in our house with the littles and conversations. Number 5 chemo is also being pretty tough on me too. We will get through it, I have no doubt about that. I can't help but worry about my littles, we all worry about our littles even during 'normal' times. For the first time, I had a little panic feeling in my stomach tonight...what if (there is the bloody what ifs again)...what if ...!!!
Wednesday 13 May 2015
MY BIG LITTLE GIRL
So number 5 chemo was very important to me. You see it's my big little girl's birthday on 24th May - Madison will be 12. I have to plan everything around my chemo sessions, so because we thought number 5 would have been last week, we planned for her birthday party to be this coming Saturday ... of course, that all went tits up when last weeks chemo was cancelled due to low platelets, so we moved it forward to Saturday 23rd May and just kept our fingers crossed that the chemo went ahead today so that next week I'll feel good again for her beach picnic. So I am VERY thankful to be sat here in oncology attached to the usual two bags with the beeping machine.
Madi is a special little being. She is truly beautiful inside and out. Life didn't start too beautiful for her, she was just over two weeks late, induced and they had to use forceps and ventouse to remove her from her safe little cave, she obviously just felt very comfortable there and was in no rush to leave!! She was a funny looking baby, ok a forced delivery didn't help matters and she sported a cone shaped head for a while, along with forcep marks and being extremely long in length with no hair, she really was a bizarre looking baby. Chris said she looked like a golf club as her feet were enormous at the end of her never ending legs! I made her wear hats for the first 12 months as there was little sign of hair and she only got her first tooth at nearly 8 months old! She was and still is an easy child. She was a very happy contented baby and showing a strong creative mind from a very young age... I would often find her with strange bags & buckets on her head, this progressed to fully designed outfits with accompanying floor show (much to the delight of many of our au pairs) to her unique taste in clothes now. She is effortlessly stylish and in my humble opinion, just stunning to watch and look at. She is kind & caring and has an amazing empathy about her.
Our relationship is being tested right now. She is going through the usual changes that most nearly 12 year olds go through and on top of that her Mummy has cancer. We have the usual ups/downs/moods that accompany most pre-teenies, we chat when she allows me about body changes and how she is turning into a young woman...these conversations are often quickly changed and we go back to talking about ballet and school. We do not talk about my cancer. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just changes the subject or gives me an awkward look. She was angry and hurt when Chris and I sat her down, told her I had it and would be having chemotherapy. I could see her safe world was momentarily destroyed. She cried so hard, that I felt my heart hurting on that night. We had another heart hurting moment last night. You see Madi hasn't told any of her friends or anyone that her Mum has cancer, this is completely her right and although we have tried to talk to her about this, the response is always the same "I don't know, I just don't want to". So occasionally, I bump into her friends parents or as in last night's case, a grandfather and we talk and it comes out that I am having chemo and I tell them why. I could see he was shocked and didn't really know what to say, this I am ok with, it's a normal reaction. I told Madi I had told him and she looked at me as though she was a bit pissed off. I ask her again, why did she not tell anyone...is she embarrassed? I want to understand how my big little girl is feeling, what is going on in her head, why wont she speak to me...to anyone! We exchange some words and both end up in floods of tears...big tears, she is sobbing, I feel awful that I have made her cry, we hold each other very tightly and I say sorry to her. I am so sorry that we are in this revolting situation, that cancer has dared to come into our family. I want her to open up to me, but I can't force this can I? I have to accept and respect that this is her way of dealing with it but I can't help but feel like I'm knocking on her door but she wont answer me, she won't let her Mummy in and this makes me so sad...I do not want her to feel alone in this journey, because we are all on this journey together, all four of us.
So in the meantime, we plan for next Saturday, we will celebrate our gorgeous girl's 12th birthday on a sunny beach here in Mallorca with all of her friends and their parents and hopefully next Saturday I'll be fully in the 'good' cycle and can at least be a normal mum on her special day and as the Urban Dictionary quite rightly quotes:
Madison ~ An amazing, beautiful, intelligent and simply perfect girl. Madisons are perfect friends. Madisons are great dancers, and can do anything they set their mind to. Madisons will do anything for their friends and will always be there for them no matter what. They are perfect in every way.
Madi is a special little being. She is truly beautiful inside and out. Life didn't start too beautiful for her, she was just over two weeks late, induced and they had to use forceps and ventouse to remove her from her safe little cave, she obviously just felt very comfortable there and was in no rush to leave!! She was a funny looking baby, ok a forced delivery didn't help matters and she sported a cone shaped head for a while, along with forcep marks and being extremely long in length with no hair, she really was a bizarre looking baby. Chris said she looked like a golf club as her feet were enormous at the end of her never ending legs! I made her wear hats for the first 12 months as there was little sign of hair and she only got her first tooth at nearly 8 months old! She was and still is an easy child. She was a very happy contented baby and showing a strong creative mind from a very young age... I would often find her with strange bags & buckets on her head, this progressed to fully designed outfits with accompanying floor show (much to the delight of many of our au pairs) to her unique taste in clothes now. She is effortlessly stylish and in my humble opinion, just stunning to watch and look at. She is kind & caring and has an amazing empathy about her.
Our relationship is being tested right now. She is going through the usual changes that most nearly 12 year olds go through and on top of that her Mummy has cancer. We have the usual ups/downs/moods that accompany most pre-teenies, we chat when she allows me about body changes and how she is turning into a young woman...these conversations are often quickly changed and we go back to talking about ballet and school. We do not talk about my cancer. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just changes the subject or gives me an awkward look. She was angry and hurt when Chris and I sat her down, told her I had it and would be having chemotherapy. I could see her safe world was momentarily destroyed. She cried so hard, that I felt my heart hurting on that night. We had another heart hurting moment last night. You see Madi hasn't told any of her friends or anyone that her Mum has cancer, this is completely her right and although we have tried to talk to her about this, the response is always the same "I don't know, I just don't want to". So occasionally, I bump into her friends parents or as in last night's case, a grandfather and we talk and it comes out that I am having chemo and I tell them why. I could see he was shocked and didn't really know what to say, this I am ok with, it's a normal reaction. I told Madi I had told him and she looked at me as though she was a bit pissed off. I ask her again, why did she not tell anyone...is she embarrassed? I want to understand how my big little girl is feeling, what is going on in her head, why wont she speak to me...to anyone! We exchange some words and both end up in floods of tears...big tears, she is sobbing, I feel awful that I have made her cry, we hold each other very tightly and I say sorry to her. I am so sorry that we are in this revolting situation, that cancer has dared to come into our family. I want her to open up to me, but I can't force this can I? I have to accept and respect that this is her way of dealing with it but I can't help but feel like I'm knocking on her door but she wont answer me, she won't let her Mummy in and this makes me so sad...I do not want her to feel alone in this journey, because we are all on this journey together, all four of us.
So in the meantime, we plan for next Saturday, we will celebrate our gorgeous girl's 12th birthday on a sunny beach here in Mallorca with all of her friends and their parents and hopefully next Saturday I'll be fully in the 'good' cycle and can at least be a normal mum on her special day and as the Urban Dictionary quite rightly quotes:
Madison ~ An amazing, beautiful, intelligent and simply perfect girl. Madisons are perfect friends. Madisons are great dancers, and can do anything they set their mind to. Madisons will do anything for their friends and will always be there for them no matter what. They are perfect in every way.
I am so very proud to be your Mummy
Wednesday 6 May 2015
INTERLUDE: THE HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH so no bloody chemo session number 5 for me today as my white blood cells are unbelievably low. I kind of knew this going in there today as I had been feeling so exhausted the past week or so. Uff. I now have to wait until next Wednesday. This is not acceptable. I have to plan my life, my family's life around this ridiculous illness anyway and it is Madion's birthday coming up and I had to bring it a week forward as it was and now the whole time plan is out of sync. I am so angry. I had a complete Verruca Salt moment at the oncology department this afternoon, eyes filled with angry tears after they told me and had to physically stop myself from stamping my feet in frustration!!!!! Is it not enough that I have to endure this shitty cancer and the treatment that goes with it. I do it without complaining and with grace most of the time, the least it can do is respect me and my family.
There is not much I can do for a low white blood count. I have to wait. Normal range is between 150-450 and mine at round 4 (2 weeks ago) was 108 and today it is 74. According to Google, when you have a low white blood count you must not do any dangerous full contact sport, so no cage fighting for me this week - although I feel as though I could go head to head with myself right now - I feel disappointed, angry and frustrated with myself, although I know it is the one thing I have no control over and that frustrates the hell out of me.
OK rant over. Come on you Whites, we need a back of the net moment next week !!!!!
Monday 4 May 2015
ROUND 4: PRAWNS, TEARS & DORA BRAIN
Round 4 went very well, surprisingly well. I had minimal side effects apart from the bloody neuropathy and tiredness, both of which are rocketing to a new level. I seem to have no control of my hands, they do as they please on treatment days and a couple of days after. I was talking to Madi and she said "Oh Mummy look at your hands" and we both stood there and stared at how my thumb had somehow managed to get stuck over the index finger and the ring finger was over the top of my pinky and I hadn't felt a thing!! I'll be typing and all of a sudden they will just stop working and freeze into the most bizarre positions and I have to gently knock them on the table to try and get them back into a normal position, same will happen when I have a knife in my hand much to the alarm of my family... my husband often shouts out "I'll cut that"! much to the relief of the littles. I've dropped/smashed glasses, things slip from my fingers and generally it is hit and miss on them functioning properly around this time. The same for my toes, they have started acting strange, along with my calf muscles that give up at the most inopportune moment, ...like getting up to go to the toilet in the night - I end up shuffling like an old lady to the bathroom and these spasms hurt at times, BUT apart from that and the incredible tiredness, it has been ok ish.
Another interesting side effect is the chemo brain. Now the majority of chemotherapy patients will understand what this is. Basically you forget everything. You have the attention span of Dora from Finding Nemo and the inability to do anything in a logical order. For example a day last week: I started to clear the kitchen, got distracted and went to talk to Roxy in her bedroom - the au pair then found a tea strainer and spoon on Roxy's shelf. I then decided that I would clear out Roxy's wardrobe of her old clothes and sell on my chocolate crocodile facebook page - piled up the clothes on my bedroom floor - decided to go make lunch - got distracted by phone call - forgot lunch - went back to pile of clothes to take photos and upload onto FB - shit LUNCH, rush back and finish that in time for the littles to get home from school - stood in kitchen and couldn't remember what I was doing in their first thing, AH YES clearing the dishwasher. This cycle continues on a daily basis. I forget words, everyday words and replace them with quite random words MUCH to the amusement of my children. I find myself now stopping mid sentence and struggling to find the right word to use which is annoying the hell out of me. I've developed a slight stutter in these situations whilst I am frantically searching my cloudy brain for the word. I've even gone to Mercadona with Madison and stood there and asked her why I'm there! Sooooo, it should come as no surprise then that I managed to give Chris and I food poisoning on the Sunday night. Gorgeous salad with prawns, I proudly announce to him. Did I notice that the prawns required cooking, no of course not, logic in my brain did not realise that because of their slight grey opaque appearance that I should have cooked them before use. As I was eating it, I thought to myself, these prawns taste different... OMG Chris they are raw!!!!!! Panic sets in, I can't get food poisoning, my reduced colon can't cope with this, nor can my decreased platelets (yes blood platelets are down this time round). So I prepare myself for the worst. Chris on the other hand seems not too bothered by this. To be honest, that guy does have the constitution of an ox, he can eat things which would send most of us on a bathroom holiday for days! Prawns are full of bacteria and it can take 2/3 days before you feel the full effects of the poisoning but within 2 hours I am firmly in the bathroom, a few more trips in the night and by Monday morning I am feeling OKish. Chris has full blown food poisoning by Monday, poor guy both ends. He suffers for a couple of days. He groans at me that he knows now how I feel after my treatments...not a bad thing to experience it for a couple of days I guess (sniggers slightly like a wicked witch). I'm sure the only reason I got away so lightly is because I am so full of poison myself that the prawn bacteria had no chance...a bit like the mosquito that feasted on me the other night...didn't hear that f*&ker buzzing again!!! Maybe I can rent myself out as a mosquito repellent this summer.
So I manage lots of lovely things on this cycle and we have things to celebrate. My warrior child Madi got a distinction in her ballet exam even though she had full blown flu and a raging temperature and Roxy got a distinction in her exam and came joint top of her class. Super proud Mummy moment. I attend a great workshop about juicing, I meet friends for coffees, birthday lunches, shopping, lots of valuable family time, have Madi's friend stay over and even manage to help a friend move some things into her new house. I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are doing fantastic things for me. I feel very loved and looked after. So why the tears? So many tears this time. So emotional. I find myself crying in the strangest situations, for example, walking to Santa Catalina to meet my friend to go to the juicing workshop last week. OK admittedly I'd had a bad night of being up feeling sick and struggling to sleep but I was so looking forward to meeting up with some girlies and going, but on the walk over there (20 minutes from my house) I find myself suddenly welling up and a face full of hot tears?????? This happens all week. I feel completely overwhelmed with these waves of sadness. I was in Corte Ingles shopping and to be honest, I had probably over done it and been out of the house for too long, the tiredness hit me, I suddenly panicked as to how I would get home and home is only a 15 minute walk. Again the tears, but this time I know they were out of frustration at the ridiculousness of all of this and the loss of my energy. I somehow make it home but completely wiped out. I cry at home when I look at the girls. I picked up Roxy to give her a big Mummy hug and we snuggle into each others necks and as I smell her, I can feel those bloody hot tears again...I can't stop them. I have a moment with Chris this weekend (girls were in bed), we talk about what if the Trevor comes back, what if I get the all clear in September but then it comes back. What if, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF - I hate the what ifs. I am positive and I know that I'm beating this but you can't help occasionally with the what ifs because non of us know what the future has in store for us, I guess it's how we deal with these what ifs that makes the difference.
So, number 5 this week. I am as always ready for it. Not wanting it but ready for it. Nearing the half way mark which will require some sort of celebratory moment I feel. Well the half way mark falls on Madison's 12th birthday week. Two fantastic reasons to celebrate. So in the meantime, I shall....
Another interesting side effect is the chemo brain. Now the majority of chemotherapy patients will understand what this is. Basically you forget everything. You have the attention span of Dora from Finding Nemo and the inability to do anything in a logical order. For example a day last week: I started to clear the kitchen, got distracted and went to talk to Roxy in her bedroom - the au pair then found a tea strainer and spoon on Roxy's shelf. I then decided that I would clear out Roxy's wardrobe of her old clothes and sell on my chocolate crocodile facebook page - piled up the clothes on my bedroom floor - decided to go make lunch - got distracted by phone call - forgot lunch - went back to pile of clothes to take photos and upload onto FB - shit LUNCH, rush back and finish that in time for the littles to get home from school - stood in kitchen and couldn't remember what I was doing in their first thing, AH YES clearing the dishwasher. This cycle continues on a daily basis. I forget words, everyday words and replace them with quite random words MUCH to the amusement of my children. I find myself now stopping mid sentence and struggling to find the right word to use which is annoying the hell out of me. I've developed a slight stutter in these situations whilst I am frantically searching my cloudy brain for the word. I've even gone to Mercadona with Madison and stood there and asked her why I'm there! Sooooo, it should come as no surprise then that I managed to give Chris and I food poisoning on the Sunday night. Gorgeous salad with prawns, I proudly announce to him. Did I notice that the prawns required cooking, no of course not, logic in my brain did not realise that because of their slight grey opaque appearance that I should have cooked them before use. As I was eating it, I thought to myself, these prawns taste different... OMG Chris they are raw!!!!!! Panic sets in, I can't get food poisoning, my reduced colon can't cope with this, nor can my decreased platelets (yes blood platelets are down this time round). So I prepare myself for the worst. Chris on the other hand seems not too bothered by this. To be honest, that guy does have the constitution of an ox, he can eat things which would send most of us on a bathroom holiday for days! Prawns are full of bacteria and it can take 2/3 days before you feel the full effects of the poisoning but within 2 hours I am firmly in the bathroom, a few more trips in the night and by Monday morning I am feeling OKish. Chris has full blown food poisoning by Monday, poor guy both ends. He suffers for a couple of days. He groans at me that he knows now how I feel after my treatments...not a bad thing to experience it for a couple of days I guess (sniggers slightly like a wicked witch). I'm sure the only reason I got away so lightly is because I am so full of poison myself that the prawn bacteria had no chance...a bit like the mosquito that feasted on me the other night...didn't hear that f*&ker buzzing again!!! Maybe I can rent myself out as a mosquito repellent this summer.
So I manage lots of lovely things on this cycle and we have things to celebrate. My warrior child Madi got a distinction in her ballet exam even though she had full blown flu and a raging temperature and Roxy got a distinction in her exam and came joint top of her class. Super proud Mummy moment. I attend a great workshop about juicing, I meet friends for coffees, birthday lunches, shopping, lots of valuable family time, have Madi's friend stay over and even manage to help a friend move some things into her new house. I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are doing fantastic things for me. I feel very loved and looked after. So why the tears? So many tears this time. So emotional. I find myself crying in the strangest situations, for example, walking to Santa Catalina to meet my friend to go to the juicing workshop last week. OK admittedly I'd had a bad night of being up feeling sick and struggling to sleep but I was so looking forward to meeting up with some girlies and going, but on the walk over there (20 minutes from my house) I find myself suddenly welling up and a face full of hot tears?????? This happens all week. I feel completely overwhelmed with these waves of sadness. I was in Corte Ingles shopping and to be honest, I had probably over done it and been out of the house for too long, the tiredness hit me, I suddenly panicked as to how I would get home and home is only a 15 minute walk. Again the tears, but this time I know they were out of frustration at the ridiculousness of all of this and the loss of my energy. I somehow make it home but completely wiped out. I cry at home when I look at the girls. I picked up Roxy to give her a big Mummy hug and we snuggle into each others necks and as I smell her, I can feel those bloody hot tears again...I can't stop them. I have a moment with Chris this weekend (girls were in bed), we talk about what if the Trevor comes back, what if I get the all clear in September but then it comes back. What if, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF - I hate the what ifs. I am positive and I know that I'm beating this but you can't help occasionally with the what ifs because non of us know what the future has in store for us, I guess it's how we deal with these what ifs that makes the difference.
So, number 5 this week. I am as always ready for it. Not wanting it but ready for it. Nearing the half way mark which will require some sort of celebratory moment I feel. Well the half way mark falls on Madison's 12th birthday week. Two fantastic reasons to celebrate. So in the meantime, I shall....
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