DING DING ROUND II

Wednesday 25th March: So here we are, ready for round 2 of chemo. I have to be honest, I did not wake up today full of the enthusiasm (if that is the correct word) like I did for the first one. I am not anxious and although I feel ready to go again, this time I have more information and knew what it would be like and to be honest, I really just don't want to go. As I leave at lunchtime, Roxy struggles a little, she wouldn't let go of my hand as I say goodbye. She told me she didn't want me to go to the hospital again...she looks at me with those BIG BROWN EYES of hers. She is 7, she does not fully comprehend everything that is going on, but she feels it. She is sensitive to me. Bloody cancer!  This round my best friend here, Luisa, asks to take me. Now her and I laugh a lot, we laugh too much, we laugh like teenagers at the most inappropriate things and have often gotten into a little bit of a pickle over the years...normally involving too much wine and too much laughing !!!!  We are both mothers, we both have two little girls each and she is about to become a Mum for the third time in August and I love this woman to the moon and back. I am also very blessed to be godmother to her second daughter. We decide to meet up a little earlier, have some lunch together and head to oncology.  We joke that it is our big day out. I get hooked up and we laugh and talk a lot. I worry about her sitting on a chair for two hours being 20 weeks pregnant and she worries about me using a hospital blanket without a sheet underneath (in case it is not clean)!  I will be honest, I feel it this time, almost straight away, I feel the 'plug' going in and I can feel the chemo, I can taste it again and it makes me instantly sad. Luisa tells me I am brave...I do not feel brave, I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I manage to hold back the tears whilst she is with me but when she goes to collect her daughter from school, I have a few quick tears. Chris arrives, both chemo bags & anti sickness meds finished and I get hooked up to Charley chemo pack again for our 2 day affair at home.

...second round in and already I can not bare to hear that camera lens shutting noise he makes...

So Thursday and Friday are pretty much the same as the first infusion. I feel ok ish. I have nausea again and feel tired. I stay at home. I meditate and this helps with the nausea. I try and rest but do help around the house with cooking and household chores, I need my girls to see me functioning. I get unhooked again on the Friday afternoon and the side effects arrive for the weekend...

...as does Roxanne's stomach bug!!! So here we are at 0330 on Saturday morning and the poor girl is throwing up. She is such an incredible child. She is sick on her own and then comes to tell us!! Chris the superhero, gets up and deals with it and looks after her so that I can sleep. I am unable to go back to sleep and stay awake feeling sick until around 0630 and then he goes to work at 8am. Saturday is a TOUGH day. Emotionally I am a wreck this time, I have no idea why it is hitting me so hard but I am very aware that both of my girls need to see a happy Mummy and I do hold it together. Between Madi and I, we do laundry, hang up washing, sort the animals out, tidy up and look after a vomiting Roxanne. Thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful friends that have said they will take the girls off for me on my treatment weekends, so Madi heads off for a fun afternoon/evening with her friend and Roxy stays with us. For me it is so important that both girls are not dragged down by this. Of course I can not shield them from the fact that their mother is going through this treatment, and they do see me when I return from treatment and they know I am different for a few days, so if they can escape for 24 hours over these weekends then I am very very thankful for that and eternally grateful to my wonderful friends that make this happen for them/us.  The remainder of the weekend is a roller coaster of tears, a little anger, a little fear (a new emotion for me on this journey) and a lot of frustration. I said to Chris that I can not understand how I got colon cancer (as if we ever really understand why we get cancer or any illness). I mean, I eat healthy, I worked out. Of all the cancers out there...colon cancer really would not have entered my mind to worry about!  I actually annoy myself this weekend as I had been so in control of my emotions, I was not worried about the future and almost felt as though I did not really have cancer and more that I was just going through this motion, but this weekend I feel different. I feel shit. My body aches. My head aches. I feel sick. Food does not interest me. I am bored with drinking warm liquids as the neuropathy sets my mouth, teeth & throat into spasms if I have anything other than room temperature or above. The neuropathy is actually going through the roof this time and my hands are so sensitive to anything cold. I can't hold anything and my hands start to seize up. I actually drop a knife, blade down onto ASBO's head on the Sunday (trying to cut fruit), both he and Roxy just look at me...ooops. Thankfully he lives and there is no visible sign of a wound!!

Sunday is just sleeping. Sleeping is good, there is no nausea whilst you sleep. More tears...get a grip Amanda this is not your life, this is just a hiccup you need to deal with, but I can't stop them. Chris and I sit and talk a little on Sunday evening. I get a glimpse of his fears. You see because I know that I am not going to die (well we all die, but immediately I mean), I had not once thought about his fear of me dying. It's a real fear. I am his wife and mother of his children, of course over the past few weeks this thought has entered his mind. We do not really talk about it in depth, its more of a passing comment but it has registered with me.

Monday 30th March starts promising... then just goes downhill. I manage to make lunch for 6 of us, a friend and her little girl come over and I actually manage to get out for the first time since last Wednesday, ok it was only to Mercadona food shopping, but I made it.  Totally wipes me out and I get annoyed at my lost energetic self.

Tuesday 31st March. OH HELLO !!! Yep feeling better, not 100% but better. Managed to have two breakfasts this morning and am determined to get my dolly on and get out in the sunshine for a walk. Easter present shopping for my little girls later this afternoon with the hubby, might even treat myself to a cold drink as the neuropathy seems to be passing, although still present in my hands. The sun is shinning, summer is coming, I have completed round II of chemo, I am feeling so positive today again.  I feel today should be about BIG hair (yes yes it is still intact) and LOTS of lip gloss to celebrate that there are only 10 treatments to go ...

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up 

and NEVER give up.