IT'S IN MY VEINS

Friday 13th March: I have never been superstitious of this date and I did smile to myself that today would be the first time I am disconnected from my Charley Chemo pack. End of my first chemo session. Friday 13th will always stick in my mind now.

I wake at 0600 with an incredible urge to throw up. Boy I have not felt this nauseous since I was pregnant with Madison. I did joke with Chris that if I could have suffered 9 months of morning sickness everyday, then I could suffer 6 months of this!! The feeling of nausea makes me cry as it is so intense and so violent. I tell myself out loud (seems to be my mantra at the moment) "I can do this, Amanda you can do this". I tell myself this in-between big deep breathes. Chris gives me a reassuring squeeze and then makes me a big mug of hot water with lemon & ginger slices.

I manage to get myself up to send some time with the littles at the breakfast table. I can't eat this morning, I have a very strange metalic taste and sensation in my mouth. The littles go to school and I go back to bed...BEEEEEEP BEEEEEP ahhhh the chemo pack has finished, time to go to the clinic to be "unhooked". Again anxious at this first time experience but as before, gorgeous staff at the clinic and it is done within 15 minutes without any discomfort.

Friday evening is spent with some of my girlfriends.  We are having a little tea party for Sarah's birthday. It's great to see them, we have sushi and cake. I have bought the girls some cava and white wine, I drink pots of green tea. Never thought I would see this day... me drinking green tea on a Friday night with my girlfriends and not pregnant!!! We  laugh so much that it makes my new tummy scars ache and I love it.  By 10pm I'm done, seriously exhausted and I have to ask my slightly merry friends to leave. Madi is out for the night (well for the weekend as she seems to be a lot now), our au pair is away for the weekend, Chris & Roxy both snoring, so I am the only one awake. I seem to be awake a lot in the evenings on my own...damn sleep pattern since the surgery. The quiet night times are when I think about all of this. I sit and watch Comic Relief for an hour and have a cry, but this time the crying was for the children that I see on the screen, that go to work on dump sites everyday, that have nowhere clean to sleep, who look for food on these dump sites... really I have it bloody easy don't I? At least I have health care and a clean clinic to go to and am able to receive the treatment I need. I suddenly have this overwhelming feeling of guilt ...

Saturday 14th & Sunday 15th March: they do say that the "shit" times come after you are 'unhooked'. Well they were right about that and I am surprised at how quickly these side effects have kicked in after just one session. I have hardly any energy, my mind is there albeit a bit fizzy but my body is struggling. My arms and legs are heavy. I do not like this side effect. I am energy. Anyone that knows me will know I have a lot of energy. Not much I can do about it, but to eat good, rest and just go with it.

There is not much to differentiate between Saturday and Sunday, other than Saturday was dark and rained most of the day and Sunday there were the occasional glimmers of sunshine... mirrors well how I was feeling this weekend. Both days start violently at 0600 with that nausea, with that comes the crying. The crying in the morning is beginning to piss me off and in turn that makes me cry more. I say my usual mantra and then spend both days on the sofa watching movies. My port a cath is really hurting this weekend and that is pissing me off too. Basically the weekend is a good mix of crying, dry retching, feeling pissed off with my port a cath, pissed off with the chemo side effects, with the f*&king inconvenience of all of this ridiculousness and then something I say or do (normally this is something to do with excess air...that will be covered in a seperate chapter!) will make both Chris and I laugh and everything seems ok again. Every now and then I take myself to one side mentally and give myself a good talking to. This is only the first one Amanda, get a grip and find your balls.

Monday 16th March: waaaaaaaaaa arrrrrghhhhhhh morning, there it is, the retching. Really tired today. Nothing much gets done. I manage to shower and get into clean PJs and make lunch for the girls. Madi announces that she has a pain in her chest, I feel she has a chest infection, so her and au pair go off to the clinic on the way back to school in the afternoon. Apparently she was seen by a really vile doctor at Clinica Rotger that told her she was not sick or looked sick and said it was a muscle pain. I naturally assume she must have pulled a muscle at the fair the day before. We just dose her up with pain killers and reassure her she will feel better tomorrow.

OH HELLO TUESDAY 17TH MARCH: I am back in the game !!!!!!! I feel fabulous - ok not absolutely fabulous, but soooooo much better and well enough to wash and dry my hair (it's still on my head, no loss yet) and I put make-up on. There she is.  No nausea this morning and I have a lot more energy. Wow, what a difference it makes to your mental well being too. I feel I could conquer the world this morning. Am greeted with a very poorly looking Madi, home duvet day for her. She sleeps, eats, sleeps. Scruffy is also ill, the back terrace indicates to me that he has a tummy bug. So there I am, in my PJs and flip flops with baby wipes and mop in hand, clearing up his bottom which is now covering a good 20% of the terrace. This is what happens when I get smug and feel better!!! Not much improvement from Madi as the day goes on,  so off to Juaneda she goes with Chris. Text message beeps, ¨she has flu¨. My immediate reaction is OMG poor girl and she has her RADA ballet exam tomorrow, Chris´s first reaction is worry for me. I have just finished my first round of chemo and my white blood cells will be low, I can not get sick or I will not be able to have my next treatment. Seriously, my girls are super healthy and the one time we need them to continue to be super healthy and one of them goes and gets the flu!! How selfish ;-)  Madi announces that she will be attending her ballet exam tomorrow even if she has to just turn up to dance and get a pass. We'll see about that in the morning.

Wednesday 18th March: Oh I am feeling good, Im feeling good....oh Madi you look like shit! Poor kid, she looks horrendous, hot and so full of the flu. She has a few tears (get them out girlfriend, I am all for tears) and she announces that she WILL be doing her ballet exam today. My warrior child. Both of the girls have exams today, so we head off and they get them done. A celebratory bacon sandwich seems to be in order for the littles afterwards...bacon makes everything right - well apart from me at the moment, my most favourite thing in the world tastes awful right now...I'm giving meat a miss until my treatment has finished and trying to eat super clean BUT I MISS BACON, OH HOW I MISS YOU AND YOUR RED KETCHUP COVERING.....!!!!! I am feeling super proud of my littles today, they are, in my humble and biased opinion, just amazing. Madi warrior child just takes herself back to bed. She did what she needed to do, she then refuelled and now she will rest. How can you not be in awe of a child like that!

ALERT: 2nd child down with the flu. I now have 2 children with flu and a dog with diarrhoea. I can only be thankful that this is all happening whilst I am in my 'good' cycle. Ok, so if we can just ensure that any more family illnesses fall on the 5th day after my chemo session please, then all will be ok! I am standing in the kitchen with various kids medicines, hot water bottles, dog looking at me because he wants to eat and I am starving him until his tummy is better, ASBO the maniac monster kitten running wild and attacking anyone and everyone and trying to make a super healthy vitamin packed dinner for us all and I can't help but laugh at this situation. In the madness of the last 5 weeks and yes it is only 5 weeks, I am here having a very real moment with people that need me...my family.

Then they come again, those tears. This time angry tears. The anger is what will get me through this journey...because I am angry now that this has gatecrashed my life's party...