FINDING SHELTER IN MY STORM

I find myself standing in a full storm now... 

We found out in October that my cancer has unfortunately decided to spread itself to my peritoneum lining and both lungs. When I heard those words in my oncologist's office, I felt all the air leave my body, I had to leave momentarily to try catch my breathe. I looked out of the window as I held the window ledge and shook, trying to breathe. How can this be? How did this happen so quickly? How can this body that gave life twice, now be full of something that will rip me away from those little beings that I gave life to. Chris and I just sat there again, in those same chairs and held hands tightly. Tears falling down his face. Off we go home to tell the littles more bad news. It's their little faces, those big wide watery eyes that tug at your heart and as I fight to hold back my own tears, I sit there and explain that Mummy's cancer is back...but I will fight it. Again. The week following this latest blow, was probably the lowest point through this entire journey. I woke in the morning to hear my husband's heart breaking. At first I thought the noise was one of the dogs, I thought that maybe one had got caught in a door or stuck somewhere... it was my husband sobbing, but not a sound that I had heard before, it was a deep deep sorrow. I turned to him and asked if he had a bad dream, he looked at me and said "no, I woke up". The reality that his soulmate and best friend is now a stage IV cancer patient totally overwhelming him. I felt sick to my stomach. I just held him. We spent a week in limbo, just crying and holding each other. Not knowing what we were to do. Trying to take in the enormity of this situation now. What happens now we asked each other.

We went to Barcelona for a second opinion this time and the specialist sat and explained how cancer begins, how it travels and estimated that it had been in my body 5-8 years before the initial diagnosis back in January 2015. Incredible to think all those aches, pains and Mummy tiredness (or so I thought) was actually my cancer showing itself. Why didn't I go to a doctor back then, why didn't I listen to my body, why did I worry about calling in sick ... how many of us just continue on, we just assume we are tired from working, from running a home and from just general Mummy every day life. We also found out that I have the colon BRAF mutation, not good so I will let you google that (have tissues at the ready).

New regime of chemotherapy was confirmed and the first session ended with me having a severe allergic reaction. I was unable to breathe and after 30 mins they had to stop the treatment. They tried to open my lungs twice, unsuccessfully. I went home feeling deflated. I need this treatment but I'm so very allergic to it! Within days of this first failed treatment, my poor face exploded into the most awful red rash with spots, it felt as though someone had thrown acid onto my face, I can't put into words how excruciating the pain was, it made me cry but my tears felt like acid rain on my skin. It then peels and cracks... I look a dream! My doctor was very excited about this facial rash though as it is a sign that the protein they are using in the chemo to attack the tumours is working. High five at that then (rolls eyes), I have this to look forward to with each treatment.  To combat the allergy, I have been moved to the public hospital to have longer infusions, so that they can monitor the drugs going in and my reaction. This week's session was 12 hours. I felt battered by the time I got home, oh, and Charley the chemo pack is back, so that's 48 hours at home being infused with chemo too. That bloody awful noise of the pump again. This will be every other week until we reach session 5 or 6, then they will scan me to see if the tumours are shrinking. At this time, surgery is not an option, due to the cancer on my lungs, so we hope and beg the universe that this new treatment will work for me.

I continue to do all of my alternative/natural things as before. I juice, my diet is strict, I take my many many supplements and I have found a wonderful clinic here in Palma which offers cell regulation medicine. I visit for a 4 hour session every other week in-between chemo. I will write more about these treatments in a later blog.

So here we are again, Christmas. Last year's Christmas was full of hope and dreams for 2017. We've been through a lot this year. Another tumour was found, rectum removed, permanent colostomy bag, chemo & radiation. We are now ending 2017 with a stage IV diagnosis. I still have hopes and dreams for 2018, I will not be ruled by this cancer. My shelter in this storm is standing right here in front of me. My incredible husband and my ever so brave and beautiful littles. They are my shelter. I as always, will fight through this as gracias as I can. Life continues as before. The littles continue to excel at school and at ballet. They are growing into stunning beings. I adore them. Their strength through all of this is just incredible, they are my inspiration. I feed from their strength, from the love of my little family. They fuel my desire to fight on. Extra thanks to my close circle of friends, without them, their love, their continued support to myself and my family, this journey would be so much tougher.

So I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Take time to be with people you love, hold them close. Make beautiful memories. Time is so very precious and irreplaceable.

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live ~ Proverb